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Peace in our time!
A chip on both shoulders?
Because the evidence may never turn up?
Comes a time in a man's life...
"We'd like to see him in slippers," a spokesman said.
Both are murder.
Make Aderall Great Again!
AKA the 'sunlit uplands'.
Move expected to create a 12 hour buzz.
The once-and-future pardon.
Root canal territory.
Can't blame him for trying.
Because I'm worth it?
Reasonable doubt about their safety?
'Defendant' is such an ugly word...
And there's so much work left to do?
"Either way, God wins!"
You can have any colour you like, so long as it's blue?
It's the principle of the thing.
Just another pig in the wall.
As opposed to poetic license!
And it was right and fitting!
Can we take that to the bank?
It's a key stage of development on the road to adulthood.
Never more than a heartbeat away from sobbing about something.
Justice is blind!
To walk amongst you, once again!
And not much inclined to either?
No questions were asked about the missing £350ml a week for the NHS.
Cuts him to the bone.
Gotta love them small towns!
The past is a different country.
Can he get a hallelujah?
Food, Glorious Food?
It's really about spiritual love?
Mohammed bin Slaughter?
Because that's so not what Hollywood is about?
Ask A Man!
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road...or not?
Mission Improbable, more like!
There's no such thing as 'a Reno'!
Froggy went a-courting a he did ride, M-hm!
Like the students, they need 'near perfect conditions'.
Let's see if it can do any better.
Goodbye seems to be the hardest word.
Story embargoed until further notice!
Says he may never be able to go to the cinema by himself again!
Somewhere in Belarus, there's one with Prigozhin's name on it!
Stop, listen, what's that sound?
This will not stand!
He told 'white lies' too!
It's called a 'rage-swipe'?
Does that sound like me?
It's how he wanted to go...
Just waiting for the New York Times to call.
Is that too much to ask??
People are in that electrical condition known as, 'a state of shock'.
A rose by any other name...
Can't wait to see the movie!
You have been warned!
Apparently "guns are not the problem"!
Which is how your mother met your father.
If you have to say it, then it isn't true...
But you won't read that in the meeja!
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs...
Is that really too much to ask?
Once upon a time there was "no place in politics for this kind of character assassination".
Either way, balance is important.
Anytime she goes away.
And as much toast as you can eat!
Tipperary Peace Award my ass!
It's a cynical betrayal of all those who died during the pandemic.
What did you just say?
Apparently she must.
You know it makes sense?
The Pink Scare.
If former editor Conrad Black were dead, he'd be turning in his grave!
Fist of funk?
Signals intel just signalled stupidity.
Can I get that to go??
We may never know.
I feel quite unwell.
What a sicko!
The ancient art...
"Crikey," he said afterwards.
Sadly, he's absolutely right.
The future's so bright, he's gonna need shades.
You know it makes sense!
The Minister for Hubris?
I was here first!
He's not called the 'dirty digger' for nothing...
You'd need a heart of stone not to laugh.
That was before they made us wear seatbelts when we were still free?
The idiot-savant of twattery.
What was in it for him?
Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb?
The "learned Mr. Tate".
The hardest pill to swallow?
Blue skies thinking?
Won't somebody think of the party!
Biden acknowledges pain caused by "unprovoked assault" that Emily in Paris constitutes.
Now look what you've made HIM do!
Van the man won't be happy.
"Working together for a safer London".
"The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" - Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Turn left at the Office for Foot Dragging and Kite Flying?
They could be watching us right now!
He's never experienced so much freedom!
If he'd had a girlfriend, he could have shown her?
Or involuntary celibacy...
Just another winter's tale!
Somebody should tell his face?
Anyone for Liar's Poker?
We watch everyone, so you don't have to!
Remember, a tree is just for Christmas, not all year round.
Cold, cold Christmas?
Because it's better to give (them as presents) than to receive (them as presents).
It's very emotional?
They don't make it easy!
We can't afford to play into Putin's hands!
Back of the net!
Won't somebody please, think of the children?
Public said to be poll axed.
He ain't called 'selfie' for nothing!
Meanwhile, back at Mar-a-Lago...
It's "part of what we are"!
It's the lies he can't stand.
Perpetual home of the 'soft day'.
At play in the fields of God?
Everyone Qatarred with the same brush.
Cost overruns every bit as certain as death, taxes.
Ain't poverty a lark!
The cream carpet crowd, strike again!
Or maybe one of those 24 hour bug things?
Trump appears glazed after results.
Analysts say he's declared war on politics.
He didn't rule out some more barechested horse riding either.
HQ denies McShirty's departure has raised the party's IQ.
"He's left me no option," he told reporters, "he's pure thick!"
A little vomit can sometimes help to rebalance a relationship?
In space, no one can hear you squeal.
"But I wasn't good and I wasn't old!"
The PM's 'holiday from reality' is well and truly over now.
Because sometimes you simply have to be prepared to do the easy thing?
But fans say "Something very sinister is going on!"
Until they move to a bigger station?
Wrap yourself in the flag if you're not warm enough.
Accidents will happen? He's said it often enough...
They said we were crazy when we proposed Brexit and look at us now!
Makes you think.
Basically, the place is a giant pin cushion?
They never tell you who came second, do they?
Is that too much to ask?
I think we should be told!
Because you wouldn't forget a thing like that...
President of Shetland Islands golf club responds by issuing Putin with a 'lifetime ban'.
More than 400,000 discharges of untreated sewage in one year.
Aka the 'something must be done' award
Has it really come to this?
It's a fair question.
And he'd like to sincerely thank them for helping him get his affairs in order.
Detest the sin, love the sinner? Who came up with that beaut!
And their 'ethical extortion" rackets!
Truly the gift that keeps on giving...
Land of Woke and Tory?
Churchill was never accused of that!
Staycation plus inflation, leads to deflation.
Things will never be the same again. At least not until the next time.
And forget the footwear fetish?
What about Joe Manchin, are we being unfair to Joe?
Those whom the Gods love, die young.
And that's not a shaggy dog story.
Research shows graduates thought NUIG stood for Nobody Understands Its Governing Body.
Info taken from FG's 'Secret Dossier'.
Says "Mission accomplished!"
Just like sandcastles?
The gov's pain in the Áras.
Nobody saw that coming!
Consensus is, you can't put lipstick on a pig, never mind a 'greased piglet'.
Reluctantly and not without major reservations!
No matter how many chase after a greased piglet, it can never be accused of leading them.
They were wearing thin anyway?
Things like a Tayto Cheese & Onion sandwich?
"I call him 'the Donald'," Musk revealed. "True story!"
Depp: "I'd buy tickets to that!"
It's 'a moment,' ok?
Rees-Mogg worried Patel will oust him from his current position as the Tory party's monster-in-chief.
They're on the starboard bow!
But the ban on burning turf in areas where turf is not burned, to go ahead.
Biden responds with awesome take down.
When all else fails...
After the weeping has stopped, obviously.
Who can't handle the truth?
So that's three times a lady.
"The thing about Boris," a former admirer said, "is that he'll always let you down."
It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it?
And what it might do to me.
You can't trust them!
I shall never surrender.
Donaldson & Beattie go on military manoeuvres.
National Federation of the Blind denies it has offered to teach him braille.
It's all water under the bridge now.
Both have been filmed shirtless.
He's not going to play Russian roulette either.
But say it very quietly...
Biden said to be amused by PM's 'novel stance'.
He really is a 'member'.
"It's not a disability, it's a gift".
It's absolutely gas
"Fuck off," Michael O'Leary explained.
Or the Vatican either, for that matter.
Whither unionism now?
Healy-Rae fails to make hay.
He should be Putin jail.
Laughing just to keep from crying.
And you can take that to thee, ah, thee bank, as it were.
They got more money than a horse has hair!
As Queen gives him the finger.
But no guarantee he'll accept it.
She's 'part of what we are'.
Husband 'seriously' doubts that.
He's found the greatest love of all, inside of him.
Nation in shock!
For the countaaay!
Curiously unengaging performance from two industry veterans.
But it's all over now.
Get your motor running...
We didn't deserve him. (We really didn't!)
What are the odds?
Or any of those "beats working" jobs, for that matter.
Spoiler alert: Everyone dies but they win in the end.
Consumerism's all about instant gratification.
No point in playing the blame game.
Shoot me now and get it over
And the terrorists will have won?
One less Trump voter?
Famously tight-lipped about their paternity.
How could it have been wrong when it felt so right?
As consistently inconsistent, as ever.
In a way, it's progress?
Because we need to know.
It's meritocracy, basically.
With a Yeee and a hawww.
But only one of us is taking the trophy home?
And I'm as sceptical as the next guy.
Spat On is an anagram of An Post, btw?
It's a gut feeling.
Say what you like but whatever you say...
"Beat it," judge tells defendant.
Feared he not to tilt at windmills.
That'll show the bloody French!
...the one-eyed man is king!
It's more of a principle, really.
For the truth shall set ye free...
May also be to blame for El Niño.
Otherwise known as the homelessness crisis?
In Gahd they trust?
Our friends in the north.
Their noses are out of joint.
Biggest anus in history, says Vatican.
Because it's "not her truth"?
She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie...methane!
The Democrats won't lift a hand to defend the Almighty!
Like, why would a man who is nearly 90, just die like that? The Clintons were probably behind it.
An embarrassment of riches??
It's thought she'll break the habit of a lifetime and have a second Babycham.
Now that would really kill on Oprah.
And he shall reap the bitter fruits.
More naked hypocrisy .
Sunset for the Dirty Diggers dodgiest daily?
Six All Irelands in a row 'gone to their heads altogether'.
But it would be in very poor taste to point that out.
And then lorry down a naggin of vodka...
Some things never change.
Jurassic arse sparks larks.
If he knows what's good for him.
They say it best, when they say nothing at all...
Growing fears it may have been sold...
Holy guacamole, this gringo's feeling lowly.
Did the president call?
No-show Bojo, continues to lie low.
Whether they want it or not!
On Mars, there won't be any "Life on Mars".
In keeping with best international practice.
But could have had a career in the navy instead...
Red Hand of Ulster, caught in the till of protestant probity.
Not just a 'bend in the road'.
And none were harmed in the making of this commercial.
Still no word on the manuscript then...
Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot?
Reckons he probably did it his way but...not entirely sure about that either?
Angels don't need money.
That was a close one!
Rejects suggestion the Green party is "just Fine Gael on bikes".
Meghan details couple's extensive wish list.
It's the way you tell 'em.
Judging by unconvincing tabloid accounts of its 'famous' sharpness.
Prison looks more comfortable.
Members feeling 'green about the gills' over museum row.
Forty going on four and a half.
But then everyone 'Brexited' from it!
Difficult to reach group raising concerns.
Planning to call her mother first and get that out of the way early.
Deep state of disbelief required.
Shaken but not stirred.
Doesn't realize they're just maskholes.
Judge doesn't know Wright from wrong.
Could she be the new Trump?
From the millionaire who criticised 'me first' attitude of some.
Beaton around the bush.
If it really has to be said.
Seen as a clown, not a Churchill.
Members advised they can 'stop when they need glasses'.
It just feels longer.
One that sent a powerful message to the world.
Insiders say White House photocopiers were printing pardons late into the night.
And everyone said he was legend.
It's not easy being a bum, especially in this contest.
News pushes covid death toll off the front pages.
It works every time!
Why won't they tell us what they won't tell us?
Because if not, that wouldn't be funny.
Produce the 'sunny uplands'.
Racism 'played no part' in decision to execute black guy who wasn't carrying a firearm.
The first cut is the deepest.
But still, probably much less than most people...
The Barbara Windsor I knew zzzzzz.
You just never see that on tv?
Trump said to be incandescent - even if he can't spell it.
The Kilclooney looney.
Take all the time you need!
Those worms that eat plastic will sort it all out, won't they?
Natives say the meat on this monkey's ass tastes better than the meat on any other type of monkey's ass.
It's called special pleading.
Because acting isn't hard, dying is hard.
It ain't called driving rain for nothing.
The Orange Order is over but its effects will long be felt.
Says its 2,141 electoral college votes will carry him over the line.
Vows he will apologize to no one for his exceptional humility.
Give yourselves a big pat on the back.
Because you can be anything you want?
Also convinced the gov is clueless.
The 'lapdog Lebedevs' should be Putin jail.
It's called 'scooting'.
Main stumbling block is its subject.
Too early to tell if it will be successful.
GOP thought to be at particular risk of developing porcine respiratory coronavirus.
He couldn't lie straight in bed.
In the end, it just makes you bitter.
'Money won't make you happy' & and other excruciating banalities.
Pinocchio PM strikes again!
A boy can dream, can't he!
This blue 'line' is pretty thin.
Unable to sleep with worry.
He 'never lies'?
Romance has broke down.
The Lord works in mysterious ways...the bastard!
World first for Britain.
Why not try it on your husband tonight?
Public being treated like mushrooms...
Top Ten Things To Do To Stop Him.
A little push never hurt anyone.
Fashionable Dublin 2 watering hole, no longer watering holes like it used to.
Whatsapp group also dubs Green leader 'Autopilot Eamon'.
Ulster says "No?"
Never upset people who can count to 11 on their fingers.
It always goes on until it doesn't.
Or the Black Knight saying 'None shall pass' in the Holy Grail.
There's a first time for everything.
Because there ought to be plenty of room...
Virtual mayoralty even worse than actual mayoralty.
Private lives and high fives of Galway's suburban housewives.
Fat cats (pictured) say democracy in Moscow-on-Thames, safe as their off-shore accounts.
High ground vs high horse.
Who'd a thunk it!
Johnson personality cult brooks no opposition.
Decisive win for Trump over 'barking' North Korean leader, after extended period of leapfrogging in international ratings.
For which we apologize unreservedly.
But still doesn't understand what all the fuss is about.
By Fintan O'Tool.
Says he wasn't the man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo either.
We must move forward without forgetting the past.
The Jack Charlton I knew off the telly.
Ennis says no to 'status quo'.
Explosive Sun trial revelation!
In 'all sincerity'.
Probably somewhere near Birr.
Willie O'Dj plays the blues.
But Fox News is the real victim here.
So maybe it's time to talk about 'supporting democracy'?
Remember these guys?
Only kidding, says Shantalla chanteuse.
Father's Day confession.
The road has a way of making you crazy.
Churchill wannabe worse than Adolf.
They have a thing going on?
Which character are you & other idiotic toss.
Parenting during the lockdown
Is it one of the hardest things he's ever had to do? We may never know.
PandeMick O'Leary is really quite sweary.
It's called Dacryphilia
Singer considering legal action.
"I'm starting to crown!"
But manages to keep a straight face
If she absolutely had to?
You need to get it before the other two guys.
Ask not what he did for his country...
It's a cover up!
That neither of us, would ever act upon.
That's how it works.
Because we care.
He's not hamming it up now though, is he!
A licence to print
Company's meaningless motto - "Believe in better" - a perfect cipher for the times we live in.
Or take his own life!
The British Fraudcasting Corporation?
Same as it ever was.
It can only be a matter of time.
You have to go with the flow.
So...not a danger mouse
Most live in a social leper colony.
Pilot a hot contender for this year's Ig Noble prize.
A candle in the wind?
Micheál Martin latest party leader to become infected.
Another historic first for Brexit
And nobody knows it better.
Not even homo or knacker!
Mrs Baghdaddi, pictured on the right, out shopping with friends.
"I'm living abroad," he confirms.
Hear her call
For the love of Jesus!
And robbed twice at Christmas.
Emergency services issue advisory notice declaring the incident a 'legitimate excuse to leave work early and get pissed on the way home' event.
'As I always said I would'.
PM overheard lying to pensioner
Claims Princess Diana was a known fan of Jackson's 'crotch grab' manoeuvre.
One who wants to know if you've been working out lately?
It's good to have a goal.
Public's reaction on a par with the winter vomiting bug.
You couldn't make it up!
Sideways, never mind 'front and back'!
How DOES she do it!
On a knife edge
You learn a lot about yourself when you have to decide how much of anything you can shove up your rectum.
Prone to pique and pissfits.
The Husbands of Sinead O'Connor group warn against any further expansion of their number without extra funding
Firmly rejects any suggestion of causal link between other people's disabilities and his own mood
He's not entirely sure he has a personality either, if he's completely honest.