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Penniless Outsider Who Adapted Well To A Life Of Great Wealth And Privilege
But could have had a career in the navy instead...
Sincerity Rears Its Ugly Head
Red Hand of Ulster, caught in the till.
Town Slightly Nearer To Dublin Looks Down On Neighbouring Town
Not just a 'bend in the road'.
There Is No Such Thing As Luminous Prose, Man Screams At The Irish Times
Still no word on the manuscript then...
Man Drinking In Airport Bar Has Seen Things He Doesn’t Want To Talk About, Ok?
Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot?
Don’t Make Same Mistakes I Made, Says Alcoholic Who Can’t Recall The Mistakes He Made
Reckons he probably did it his way but not entirely sure about that...
And Then I Told The NHS It Was The Best We Could Do!
Angels don't need money.
We May Never Know The Truth, Says Minister Feeding Documents Into Paper Shredder
Rejects suggestion the Green party is "just Fine Gael on bikes".
Harry To Oprah: ‘I Have No Idea What Our Dreams Are, Only Meghan Knows’
Meghan details couple's extensive wish list.
Oh No I’ve Ruined It, Says Mom Trying To Tell Joke
It's the way you tell 'em.
Queen’s Joke “Proves” She Hasn’t Lost Her Sense Of Humour
Judging by unconvincing tabloid accounts of its 'famous' sharpness.
Former Governor Of Bank Of England Would “Rather Be Seen In Prison Than In Pontins”
Prison looks more comfortable.
Eamon ‘Skullduggery’ Ryan FTW
Members feeling 'green about the gills' over museum row.
Local Man Would Really Like To Punch HR Guy’s Lights Out
Who wouldn't.
Now Look What You Made Me Do, Man Screams At Wife
Forty going on four and a half.
We Used To Have An Empire Says Man Whose Car Won’t Start
But then everyone 'Brexited' from it!
83% Of Nurses Who Work In Empty Hospitals Don’t Believe In The Virus
Difficult to reach group raising concerns.
Single Woman Who Likes A Good Cry, Looking Forward To Bawling Eyes Out On Valentine’s Night
Planning to call her mother first and get that out of the way early.
If The Deep State Really Exists, Then Why Couldn’t It Prevent Trump Impeachment Trial
Deep state of disbelief required.
UK Aghast Weapons It Sold To Pariah State Used In Coup
Shaken but not stirred.
Vaccinated Woman Claims Zombies Just Run Past Her Now
Doesn't realize they're just maskholes.
Court Spares Man Who Has Whole Life Of Racism In Front Of Him
Judge doesn't know Wright from wrong.
Nobody Knows What Colour The Sky Is, On Marjorie Taylor Greene’s World
Could she be the new Trump?
AstraZeneca CEO Says It’s Amazing What You Can Find Down The Back Of A Sofa
From the millionaire who criticised 'me first' attitude of some.
Castlebar Man Not Sold “A Gay Computer”
Beaton around the bush.
Patriarchy Objects To Stereotyping By Women Who Should Be At Home Rearing Their Children
If it really has to be said.
Boris Voted Britain’s Biggest Cockwomble
Seen as a clown, not a Churchill.
QAnon Renames Itself QOnan After Poll Of Members Favourite Activity
Members advised they can 'stop when they need glasses'.
Five Years Sober. Can I Bore The Hole Off You About It?
It just feels longer.
The Special Meaning Behind Biden’s Inauguration Outfit
One that sent a powerful message to the world.
White House Pardons All Of Trump’s Allies
Insiders say White House photocopiers were printing pardons late into the night.
The Guy Did Something Like That In The Bible Once?
And everyone said he was legend.
Is It Wrong To Say Miss Bum Bum Has ‘One Hell Of An Ass’?
It's not easy being a bum, especially in this contest.
Martin Addresses Covid Issue On Everyone’s Lips: St Patrick’s Day Trip To White House
News pushes covid death toll off the front pages.
Try This Simple Trick To Eliminate Dust – Turn On The Vacuum Cleaner
It works every time!
Maskhole “Just Wants To Know What They’re Not Telling Us?”
Why won't they tell us what they won't tell us?
Man Whose Wife Told Him ‘You’re Not Getting Pulled Chicken’, Wants To Know If They’re Still Talking About Food
Because if not, that wouldn't be funny.
Habeas Brexit
Produce the 'sunny uplands'.
Gardai Say It Was ‘Only Fair’ To Shoot Man Without Gun, With Weapons They Were Given To Deal With Armed Criminals
Racism 'played no part' in decision to execute black guy who wasn't carrying a firearm.
Harder To Dispose Of A Body Over The Festive Season Than You’d Think, Wife Tells Best Friend
The first cut is the deepest.
Man Planning Selfless Act Surprised By How Much Self He Actually Has
But still, probably much less than most people...
The State’s Next Apology
Smear test?
The Carry On Cockney Pearly Queen With A Heart Of Gold Who Shagged A Kray And One Of The Bee Gees
The Barbara Windsor I knew zzzzzz.
Woman Beating Man At Something In Movie, As Unexpected a Twist As The Kid Who Has Cancer Being Elected Class President
You just never see that on tv?
WWII Bomber On Moon Stolen By China
Trump said to be incandescent - even if he can't spell it.
Unionist Outraged At Being Reminded NI Not British
The Looney from Kilclooney.
No Hurry With Moon Rocks, World Tells China
Take all the time you need!
Manufacturing Happy To Continue Rape Of Earth So Your TV Snacks Come Individually Wrapped In Plastic
Those worms that eat plastic will sort it all out, won't they?
Celebrity Chefs Race To Be First To Cook New Species Of Monkey
Natives say the meat on this monkey's ass tastes better than the meat on all the other kinds.
“Is This A Hill You Want To Die On?” Priest Asks 5-Year-Old Playing Centurion In Nativity Play
Because acting isn't hard, dying is hard.
Woman Was Under The Impression She Owned A Waterproof Jacket
It ain't called driving rain for nothing.
Post Trump Stress Disorder Sweeps America
The Orange Order is over but its effects will long be felt.
Giuliani Calls Narnia For Trump
Says its 2,141 electoral college votes will carry him over the line.
Varadkar Appears In Zorro Costume For Dáil Statement
Vows he will apologize to no one for his own humility.
Ireland Says Thanks For Putting Us Back In Lockdown, Conspiracy Dicks
Give yourselves a big pat on the back.
Tell Me Again The Difference Between Homiesexual, Homosexual and Metrosexual, Mother Asks Teenage Son
Because you can be anything you want?
Man Wearing Mask Under Nose Blames Students For Spread Of Virus
Also convinced the gov is clueless.
It Isn’t. Are You?
The 'lapdog Lebedevs' should be Putin jail.
Dog Dragging Its Balls Along Carpet ‘Understands Every Word Woman Says’
It's called 'scooting'.
Paris Hilton Campaign To Prove She’s “Not An Airhead” Has Some Way To Go
Main stumbling block is its subject.
Coronavirus Moved By Support Received In Fight Against You-Know-Who
Too early to tell if it will be successful.
Second Confirmed Case Of Coronavirus In A Pig
GOP thought to be at particular risk of developing porcine respiratory coronavirus.
Viable Device Found By Husband Who’s Not
Ordinance surveyed.
Trump’s Biggest Lie Visible From International Space Station
He couldn't lie straight in bed.
Soldier Recalls Iraqi Kids He Gave Chocolate To Had ‘Ugly Sense Of Entitlement’
In the end, it just makes you bitter.
Woman Who Thinks “World Would Be A Much Better Place, If We Were All Just A Little Bit Nicer To Each Other”, Not Somebody You Want To Want To Get Stuck Next To On A Train
'Money won't make you happy' & and other excruciating banalities.
EU Country Says If EU Was Planning To Blockade Part Of It Then EU Country Would Probably Know About It
Pinocchio PM strikes again!
Boy Dangling From Fifth Floor Window Can’t Wait To See Which Superhero Saves Him
A boy can dream, can't he!
Man Who Looks Like Shroud Of Turin Has No Idea Why He’s Stopped And Searched So Often
This blue 'line' is pretty thin.
Deputy Noel Grievance ‘Still Waiting’ For Clarification On Inaccurate World Bank Figures
Unable to sleep with worry.
Donald Tantrum Strikes Again!
He 'never lies'?
Wife Cancelled Date Night Even Though Husband Had Already Brushed Teeth
Romance has broke down.
Parish History Omits Time Fr Mike Blew The Bingo Fund At The Galway Races
The Lord works in mysterious ways, the bastard.
Ed Sheeran Announces Arrival Of First Hobbit Born In Captivity
World first for Britain.
Incredible New Anti-Snoring Device Takes Ireland By Storm
Why not try it on your husband tonight?
Gov Using A Torch To Search For Darkness
Public being treated like mushrooms...
New Trumpadvisor Site To Rate President’s Lunacies
Top Ten Things To Do To Stop Him.
Asian Couple Name Son “CEO Amir Patel” To Give Him ‘Headstart In Business’
A little push never hurt anyone.
Doheny & Nesbitt School Of Economics, Badly Hit By Economics
Fashionable Dublin 2 watering hole, no longer watering holes like it used to.
Eamon ‘I, Robot’ Ryan
Whatsapp group also dubs Green leader 'Autopilot Eamon'.
Loyalists Confuse EU Flag With Isis Flag…Again
Ulster says "you'll no believe it".
Trump Support Among Married First Cousins In Freefall
Never upset people who can count to 11 on their fingers.
Man Singing ‘My Heart Will Go On’ Suffers Cardiac Arrest
It only goes on until it doesn't.
UK Like ‘A Leper Threatening To Shun Flu Victims’
Or the Black Knight saying 'None shall pass' in the Holy Grail.
For Once, Boris Pulls Out!
There's a first time for everything.
Given Rape Is No Longer An Offence In England & Wales, Is There Any Chance A Cell Could Be Found For A Sex Pest MP?
Because there ought to be plenty of room...
Mayor’s Job “One Step Up From Being Town’s Most Colourful Drunk”
Virtual mayoralty even worse than actual mayoralty.
New Doctor First Black Man To See Woman’s Tits
Private lives and high fives of Galway's suburban housewives.
British Democracy Safe Johnson Says Because “I Never Let A Woman Urinate On Me Like Trump Did”
Fat cats (pictured) say democracy in Moscow-on-Thames, safe as their off-shore accounts.
Stephen Collins Accuses Newton Emerson Of Being ‘Soft On Sinn Féin’
High ground vs high horse.
Turns Out Mass Death Is Worse For Economy Than Mass Unemployment
Who'd a thunk it!
Scotland ‘Top Target’ For Political Interference By Johnson Regime
Johnson's cult of personality brooks no opposition.
North Korea Furious As America Retakes No 1 ‘Joke-Leader’ Slot
Decisive win for Trump over 'barking' North Korean leader, after extended period of leapfrogging in international ratings.
No Accountant Was Harmed In The Making Of This Movie
For which we apologize unreservedly.
Student Who Made Mockingbird Pie ‘In Honour of Harper Lee’, Admits He Never Read The Book
But still doesn't understand what all the fuss is about.
Cowen Forced To Deny He Was Man Gardai Found Being Whipped On Buttocks
Says he wasn't the man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo either.
Foster Urges Loyalists To Move Their Sectarian Hatred Online In Order To Meet Virus Restrictions
We must move forward without forgetting the past.
It’s All Over For Big Jack Who’s Headed Home After Final Whistle Blown On Game Of Two Halves That Went Into Extra Time It Is Now
The Jack Charlton I knew off the telly.
Black Lives Matter Ennis Threaten To Make Town ‘Ungovernable’ If America Does Not Change
Ennis says no to 'status quo'.
Amber Heard Found Guilty Of Witchcraft
Explosive Sun trial revelation!
Cowen ‘Profoundly Sorry’ He Got Caught
In all sincerity.
Committee Set Up To Establish Which Part Of Ireland Kanye West’s Ancestors Come From. Just In Case, Like?
Probably somewhere near Birr.
Roger Would Be So Disappointed – Elizabeth Ailes
Predatory advances?
Big Oil Wants You To Know It’s Hurting Too
So maybe it's time to talk about 'supporting democracy'?
America Paid Militants To Kill Soldiers But That Was, Like, Back In Olden Times?
Remember these guys?
Fuck The Lot A Ye, Screams Mary Coughlan
Only kidding, says Shantalla chanteuse.
Man Usually Gets His Wife’s Way In The End
Father's Day confession.
Man Arrested For Calling 999 To Report Theft of Air Guitar
The road has a way of making you crazy.
Boris Killed Londoners Faster Than Hitler
Churchill wannabe worse than Adolf.
GOP Unable To Come To The Phone Right Now
They have a thing going on?
‘Normal People’ Pollution Reaches Earth’s Last Wilderness
Which character are you & other idiotic toss.
My Nine Year Old Son Is Depressed In His Bedroom. Should I Let Him Out?
Parenting during the lockdown
I Like To Think Of Us As One Big, Happy Family, Says CEO Who’s About To Fire Everyone.
Is it one of the hardest things he's ever had to do? We may never know.
Quarantine Means “The Terrorists Have Won”
PandeMick O'Leary is really quite sweary.
Man Who Gets Hard-On Every Time A Woman Cries, Can’t Break Up With Girlfriend
It's called Dacryphilia
Meat Loaf Told ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ Not Appropriate As Charity Single For Covid Research
Singer considering legal action.
“Call The Midwife,” Screams Constipated Castlebar Man
"I'm crowning," he sobbs.
New Press Secretary Caught Lying On First Day
But keeps a straight face
Woman Singing ‘Private Dancer’ Confident She’d Make An Excellent Prostitute
If she absolutely had to?
“Have You Tried The Wire Brush?” Trump Asks Birx
You need to get it before the other two guys.
Trump Jr. Rips Son For Asking “What Did You Do In The War Daddy?”
Ask not what he did for his country...
Breda O’Brien: Sometimes I Have Impure Thoughts About Pope Francis
That neither of us, would ever act upon.
Queen Praises Britain, Britain Praises Queen
That's how it works.
Are You On Vodafone’s ‘Pray As You Go’ Plan?
Because we care.
Turmoil After Covid Rejects A Pig Like Trump But Accepts A Swine like Johnson
He's not hamming it up now though, is he!
“Balcony Bingo? Sure It Writes Itself!” Cackles Roddy Doyle
A licence to print
The Revenue Will Cut You Some Slack But Not Sky
Company's meaningless motto - "Believe in better" - a perfect cipher for the times we live in.
Man Will Lamp Next One To Mention 1918 Flu Pandemic
Or take his own life!
Coronavirus “God’s Punishment” For Letting Gay Couple On DWTS
It can only be a matter of time.
Flood-Weary Farmer Switches To Freshwater Prawn Production
You have to go with the flow.
Hospital Food “Did Not Kill Mouse”
So...not a danger mouse
Why Laboratory Assistants Are Social Lepers
Most live in a social leper colony.
Flat-Earther Makes Earth A Little Flatter
Pilot a hot contender for this year's Ig Noble prize.
Buy A ‘Vagina Candle,’ Woman Tells Ex, Because That’s As Near As You’ll Get
A candle in the wind?
Ireland In Grip Of Democracy Virus
Micheál Martin latest party leader to become infected.
Dominic Cummings Penis Transplant
Another historic first for Brexit
Castlebar Knew Her ‘When She Was Nobody’
And nobody knows it better.
Senator Noone To Raise Awareness That “You Can’t Say Anything”
Not even homo or knacker!
Trump Calls Baghdadi’s Wife ‘Baghmammy’
Mrs Baghdaddi, pictured on the right, out shopping with friends.
Irish Times Amazed By Irishman Living Abroad
"I'm living abroad," he confirms.
Not A Good Idea To Light A Campfire To Pray For Rain, Australians Told.
For the love of Jesus!
Peter Sick Of Being Robbed To Pay Paul
And robbed twice at Christmas.
Where Are Your Children, Don’t You Know The Sally Gap Is Closed?
Emergency services issue advisory notice declaring the incident a 'legitimate excuse to leave work early and get pissed on the way home' event.
Boris: ‘More Than Happy’ To Do Andrew Neil Interview Now.
'As I always said I would'.
If You Break Your Leg Under A Labour Government, It’ll Hurt More, Boris Claims
PM overheard lying to pensioner
‘Michael Jackson Did It All The Time,’ No Excuse For Rubbing Your Balls In Public, Judge Tells Castlebar Man
Claims Princess Diana was a known fan of Jackson's 'crotch grab' manoeuvre.
Boris Johnson ‘About As Convincing As A Hypnotist Who Smokes’
One who wants to know if you've been working out lately?
Man Longs For Day When He Can Resent Intrusion Into Private Life That Fame Brings
It's good to have a dream.
Rapper TI Promises Daughter’s Hymen Check Will Be Biannual From Now On
Public's reaction on a par with the winter vomiting bug.
Fair City Extra Recalls Time Gaybo Completely Ignored Him In A Lift
You couldn't make it up!
Woman Would Definitely Ride ‘The Hot Priest’
Sideways, never mind 'front and back'!
The Gear I Brought Back From ‘The Dam’ In My Ass
You learn a lot about yourself when you have to decide how much of anything you can shove up your rectum.
Man Who Didn’t Suffer Fools Gladly, ‘Just Another Dick’
Prone to pique and pissfits.
Sinead O’Connor Reportedly Strong Enough To Contemplate Another Two Week Marriage
The Husbands of Sinead O'Connor group warn against any further expansion of their number without extra funding
Man With No Shoes, Unmoved By Sight Of Man With No Feet
Firmly rejects any suggestion of causal link between other people's disabilities and his own happiness
Without The Alcohol That Prevented Him Realizing All His Ambitions, Man Discovers He No Longer Has Any Ambitions
He's not entirely sure he has a personality either, if he's completely honest.
Navy Seal Will Take No More Female Prisoners
And none were harmed in the making of this commercial.
TD To Ask Dragons’ Den To Invest In His Political Dogwhistle
Because a wink is as good as a nudge.
Apparently Jeremy Corbyn’s Not A Statesman On A Par With These Three Goobers?
All the tory newspapers say so...
Millionth Woman Seeking Validation Asks Mumsnet ‘Am I Being Unreasonable?’
She just wants your honest opinion.
12 Celebrities You Didn’t Know Owned A Green Hat
They may deny it but it's true.
Church ‘No Place For Moralising’
What's next!
Oughterard Campaign To Improve Asylum System Fails
Protestors heartbroken by decision to continue 'inhumane system'
People Who Clap When The Plane Lands Unable To Distinguish Between Paediatricians And ‘Peedeeyafiles’
'Clappers' thought to be in the lower IQ percentiles
Woman Who Married Herself Files For Divorce, Citing ‘Irreconcilable Differences’
In other news, Castlebar man to marry his penis.
Garda Who’s Never Been Asked To Appear On Crimecall, ‘Wouldn’t Go Near Those Donnybrook Queers Anyway’
"Sure they're all riding each other in there".
Annoying Exchange Student Clicks His Fingers To Every Song On The Radio
Even 'Ebony and Ivory'
Man Praying His Wife Won’t Start Speaking ‘On Behalf Of All Women’
Translation: won't somebody think of the children.
Is The Syrian GP Who Makes Your Oat Milk Latte Still Crying About His Drowned Children?
Help him move on by reducing his tip - it's what Margaret would have wanted.
Former CIA Agent Fully Expects To Be Called Out Of Retirement To Solve Some Baffling Crime
Probably something to do with a sniper or a serial killer?
Head Of Tidy Towns Committee Also Dedicated Fascist
You have to get up early to do this job
Man Who Sees Dead People Everywhere Reminded He Works In A Morgue
No one can 'see' him buying a round though
Epstein Cover Up Finds He Hanged Himself
Nothing to see here
What To Do If You Feel Raped After Following A Woman Onto The Upper Deck Of A Bus To Watch Her Breastfeed
You may be suffering from PTSD
Woman Caught Kicking Man Tells Court “It Was Just A Berocca Boost”
And definitely not a kick up the arse.
New Marine Can’t Wait To Torch A Village For America
Because these days, that would pretty much guarantee him a seat in congress.
What To Do When A Himalayan Salt Lamp Doesn’t Cure Your Depression
You can always fall back on 'Feng shui', reiki or 'aligning your chakras'.
Man Disappointed Calendar Of Angels Not The Victoria’s Secret Kind
Be careful what you wish for
Man Carried Same Unused Poop Bag On Every Dog Walk Since 2012
The bag that deflects all suspicion
Man’s Wife Won’t Let Him Be A Coeliac
She won't let him say 'namaste' to indian waiters either.
Hocus Potus Sunk By Scotus
Court rejects his bogus focus
Auschwitz Offers Free Onsite Cremation To Former Inmate Who Died While Visiting Camp
Museum apologises for error
Where’s Wally Publishers To Produce A Where’s Boris Edition
Missing cartoon figure.
Credibility of Irish Times Still Damaged By 2007 Inclusion Of Michael Bublé In “What’s Hot List”
Should have been on the What's Snot list
New Brexit Deodorant Removes The Stench Of Racism
And other common idiocies
Bimbos Evolved “Puppy Dog Eyes” To Communicate With Us
Scientists discover eye muscle that causes 'bimbo erruptions'
“Experts Will Be Asking Us To Believe We’re Descended From Monkeys Next” Warns Gove
Why do they hate us so!
Shatter Makes Play For Sneering Contempt Portfolio.
Family keen for him to spend more time with politics
Coffin Ships Were Early Examples Of ‘Shared Living’
There's no place like home anymore.
The Actor Boris ‘Crikey’ Johnson
The peoples' friend and only champion
Everest Base Camp To Get Pret a Manger Store
Banksy expected any day
Dog Tries To Hump Woman More Than Husband Does
Farts like it's been eating game
Harvey Weinstein To Write Trump Biography
Just in case...
Student Calls Every Black Guy He Meets ‘Man’
Openly describes himself as "an inside out Oreo"
The Freddie Starr I knew Was A Monster
By the hamster who made him.
Baby’s First Proper Dump A Right Royal Success Ma’am!
Archibald will grow up 'just like a normal boy because he won't have a royal title'?
Man Who ‘Loves Books,’ Going To Wait Until The Movie Comes Out
And then he won't have to read it
“There’s No Such Thing,” Woman Shouts At Busker Singing ‘Innocent Man’
Busker wonders if it's an Irish thing
Postman Still Calling It The Gurmet Tart Co
You should hear him trying to pronounce Irish names
Poser’s Ethnic Hat Generating All The Attention He So Clearly Needs
Arts student pretty sure he's giving 'the normos' something to think about
Dead Pig’s Brain To Break Its Silence On David Cameron Initiation Ritual
'Rebooted dead pig' says it expected the future PM to put an apple in its mouth
Hunchback Emerges As Main Suspect In Notre Dame Fire
Public warned not to approach him, even if his face 'rings a bell'.
Little Girl’s Blindness Cured By Saying Michelle Obama’s Name Three Times
Former first lady moves a step closer to sainthood
Finglas Raid – The Monkey Hasn’t Typed A Single Line Of Shakespeare
Despite being given a typewriter on day one.
Finglas Raid – Day Five And The Monkey Still Isn’t Talking
Gardai confident he'll crack before weekend and start to...sing like a bird?
No ‘Pee’ In Chickpea Soup, Waitress Guarantees Castlebar Man
No piss in the pistachio ice cream either.
Teen’s Mother Has ‘No Idea’ How Dark The World Really Is
In a way, it's kinda sweet?
Fabric Of Rural Ireland To Be Turned Into Irish Dancing Costumes
Don't say you weren't warned!
Don’t Go Getting Me Anything Expensive For Mother’s Day, Irish Woman Insists
Sure don't mind me...
Playboy Mansion Haunted By Ghost Of Heffner’s Last Erection
Boner's owner was a greedy loner
It’s ‘Specific’ Not ‘Pacific’, Woman Tells Brexiteer
There's no 'excaping' it.
European Research Group Admits It’s Never Done Any European Research
Could rename themselves the English Research Group...if they actually did any research
It’s All Fun And Games Until Somebody Gets Murdered, Montessori Teacher Warns
It's not all 'Ring a ring a rosie'
I’d Forgotten What A Whore I Was, Says Woman Reunited With Purse She Lost 65 Years Ago
My milkshake brought all the boys to the yard, recalls sprightly pensioner
Win A Magical Weekend For Two At The Red Cow Inn
FREE WIFI included
Warder Has ‘Nothing To Show’ For Urinating In Miscarriage Of Justice Victim’s Food
Prison Officers Association to demand compensation
Woman Agrees To Life Of Premeditated Sex
I do if you do.
Tears Will Be Shed, Hairdressers Thanked
And the Oscar for drunken blubbering goes to...
Turns Out Jackson Actually Was “Really, Really Bad”
Didn't stop till he 'got enough'
Man Eating Beans From Tin, “Taking Back Control”
Better to live free for a day in a poundland Britain than a thousand years under the yoke of EU prosperity.
Mother Keeps Asking To See ‘Pearl Necklace’ Daughter Got For Valentine’s Day
A good necklace is nothing to be ashamed of!
Endless Glamour Of Airline Travel Finally Getting To Ryanair Cabin Crew
She always knew that some day, it would all come to an end.
DUP Sectioned After Warning Of Dangers Of Intransigence
MIND how you go or you may go out of your mind
Commerce Secretary Denies Reports ‘He Pads Around Washington In $600 Embroidered Slippers’
He's usually carried in a sedan chair.
Debasement of Oscars Fetish Starting Earlier Every Year
It’s worth remembering that actors, like prostitutes, were once barred from holding passports. But sadly, those happy days are long gone.
Fruit Sellers Demand End To High Speed Car Chases
Delivery men who carry large sheets of glass, expected to support call.
Teen Suspects ‘Misogyny To Blame,’ After Failing Audition
Because why else would they not pick her?
Man Thinking Of Buying Expensive Notebook In Case It Ever Turns Out He’s A Writer
Or needs to make a note about something really, really, really important.
Nobody Cares Where Journalist Bought First Album
Bar the features editor.
Couple Planning Family Newsletter From Dog’s Point Of View
Nobody will see that coming!
Woman’s Unlucky Streak Of Finding Tiny Imperfections In Restaurant Meals, Continues Unbroken
The face that says you can't eat just yet.
How To Cope With The Lingering Sense Of Bereavement That Follows A ‘Son Of Satan Christmas Shit’
Say hello, wave goodbye
Syrian Man Uses Music To Overcome Challenge Of Living In Leitrim
Haven't they suffered enough...
Your Dog Has Seen Me Naked
And I'm pretty sure he's judging me?
Taxi Driver In Court Over ‘Wee Wee Tax’
They're not called 'the wee small hours' for nothing
Man Who Fled Sex Trial, Willing To Give Jury Benefit Of The Doubt
Defendant is such an ugly word
“I Like People Who Weren’t Shot Down,” Trump Says After Bush Funeral
A commander-in-chief who is strong on offence
Call Me If Anyone Says Something Funny About Trump
Otherwise, oncologist warns, I'm not to be interrupted
Man Breaks Long Silence To Reveal He’s Totally Off His Tits
Announcement followed prolonged period of chin stroking
Shane McGowan’s Wedding Diaper: First Photos
If you're happy in your ethical diaper, clap your hands...
Man Thinking Of Giving Up Alcohol For November Soon
It's never too late until it is.
Queen Eithne Mooney To Meet Doctor Decky Sheehy After School, In Lidl Carpark Dance Off
The Queen disses, while the Doc dispenses, ahead of 'make or break' show down
Woman Prepares Best Non-threatening Smile For Office Photo
The smile that says 'Don't worry, I'm just like you!'
DUP Want UK To Withdraw From The Enlightenment
Party of the 'frozen chosen' also suspicious of the New Testament
Anything Man Knows About Women He Learned The Hard Way
No pun intended
Re-enactment Society Just Cover For Bondage Club
We may never know whether or not they had 'furries' in medieval times
It’s All To Play For, Man Warns Ahead Of Sunday’s Match
Team 'waiting in the long grass' for opponents
We Built This City On Rock’n’roll Defence Ruled Inadmissible In Court
Judge finds music played no part in building's collapse
Brexit Secretary Fought The Facts And The Facts Won
It is what it is and we are where we are, so it means what it means
Coveney Rock-Hard After Meeting Minor Royal
Royal Cork Yacht Club members 'ready to pop,' as they await minister's account of meeting
If America’s At A Crossroads Again Who Has The Goddamn Map
Must be the satnav
Man Singing In Shower Pretty Sure He’s Multitasking
But forgets to wash the soap out of his ass
I Am Lord Ross Of Enniskerry
I'm partial to a glass of sherry
Actress Whose Mother Is Her Best Friend, Tells All
Macnas torchbearer's acting, described as 'luminous'
Sean Gallagher Accused Of Stirring Up Apathy
Public failed to notice his absence or presence during presidential debates
Man Who Slept With ‘No More Than 30 Women,’ Hugely Expands His Contacts List
Don't cry for me, the truth is, I never left you
Entourage Of Sycophants Helping Actor ‘Keep It Real’
Fair City actor's band of fart-catchers
Woman Just Putting That Ballymaloe Sauce On Everything Now
The sauce that's even better than drugs.
DUP Adopts “We Don’t Have To Take Our Clothes Off To Have A Good Time,” Ahead Of North’s Abortion Referendum
Song 'perfectly encapsulates' party's attitude to dancing
Cage Fighting Is The Loser In The End
Nobody in pub wants to win 'the McGregor way'
Institute Of Axe Grinders Warns Against Bringing The Profession Into Disrepute
Peter Casey accused of 'trying to take the axe out of Irish politics'
May Won’t Countenance Dividing The UK, The Way The UK Divided Ireland
But the 'Dancing Queen' would love to partition the Tory party
All Aboard The Glug, Glug, Gluas!
Galway Light Rail clearly visible in the bottom of your glass
Rabid Fianna Fáiler Convinced He ‘Wouldn’t Be Your Typical Fianna Fáiler Now’
The 'willing suspension of disbelief,' suspended willingly
Nobody Gave Me A Handout When I Was On Welfare
Welfare tourists block O'Connell St
Behind My Back, My Mouth Was Working For The Prosecution
Verdict is 'PC gone mad'!
Never Mind About Syria’s Butchered Children, The Sun Has Rescued A Donkey
Paper saves Murdoch's ass
As A Mother-Daughter-Sister-Lover-Woman, Should I Order You One Pint Or Five?
Because you're also a library card holder and a cyclist?
Biden: I’ll Bet Tony Scott’s ‘Trademark Red Hat’ Is a Lot Redder Now
Veep's leaked response to news of 'Crimson Tide' director's 2012 death
Slithery Hoors Outraged By Equally Slithery Hoors
Claims 'this would never have happened under Bertie'
War On Thrugs To Continue
If you're not careful, you'll end up on tobacco?
Camping In Barna Woods Not The ‘Rainforest Holiday’ Woman Was Promised
Rainy forest not the same as 'a rainforest'
Poll Finds All Politicians Hate The Public
Support for the public at at it's lowest since polls were introduced
Supermac’s To Meet Cost Of Forged Letter Cover Up
Already agreed to cover the cost of forging the letters
Man Relieved He Has ‘Boner Fider’ Boner
Turns out the 'top heavy' kid on daughter’s swim team over 18 after all
Halfway Through Famine Report, Newsreader Expresses Alarm Over Dry Skin
Popular anchor's dermal disaster.
Attendant Can’t Wait For Gallery To Close, To Begin Licking Exhibits
After a long day spent telling people not to touch the art, she really needs that
Lying, Racist, Morally Bankrupt MP, Surprise Favourite To Lead Tories
Bookies astonished party set to pick another pig to lead it
Man ‘Totally Guarantees’ Fitness Instructor, There Will Be No Gratuitous Nudity In His Screenplay
Promises any intimate scenes will be 'integral to the storyline'
Senior Using Divider At Checkout Wise To Your Game, Buddy!
Keep looking for a mark, mister, because you've struck out here
Good Irish Times Review Ruins Another Restaurant
Your bouche won't be 'amuse' when you see the bill
Gov Urges Public To Enjoy Orgy Of Drinking & Gambling, Responsibly
Sales of Supermac's 'shnack box' expected to set new record
Editor Praying Summer School Will “Pull Something Out Of Its Arse,” In Time For Six O’Clock News
Extremely rare sighting of 'Black seagull' turns out to be a crow
Candidates Flee Higgeldy Piggledy, From Aras Race With President Miggeldy
Noel Whelan gets all niggledy
Mansplaining Continues, Despite Rising Panic In Woman’s Eyes
Legendary Galway bore, 'the preacher of platitudes,' strikes again
Woman Stirs Tea ‘Like A Lioness’
Men 'just can't handle it'
Man Whose Wife Is His Best Friend, “Definitely Having An Affair”
Neighbours agree this type of guilt-fuelled gush, a surefire give-away
Man Who Spent Career Dodging Questions, Spends Evenings Demanding Answers
Ivan 'the terrible'
‘Awful’ Irishman Makes Mr. Bean Cry
Bean there
Fucking Your Kids Up, Still No 1 Parenting Mistake
You didn't mean to but you did.
Hollywood To Remake Dunkirk As American Success
Battle of Britain next in line to receive the same treatment
“Why I’ll Always Be A Straight Talker,” By The Actor Boris Johnson
Nothing, if not a man of his word
Shooting Fish In A Barrel Takes America By Storm
Fish were stalked under the relentless glare of artificial strip lighting
Obama’s Pussy Riot Plea: “At least Free The Hot Chick?”
2012 transcript shows president argued "Jail ain't no place for fine laydeez"
Cancer: My Battle With Gay Byrne
The disease says its been overwhelmed by messages of goodwill & support for its struggle
Dolores Taught Me How To Make Wings Out Of My Own Dandruff
And then she drank my flagon of cider.
Taxi Driver’s Fridge Magnet Wisdom Only Good For Five Minutes
Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor
Mary Lou Gives Martin A ‘Sick Burn’
FF leader's condition not thought to be serious, after undergoing tests in the burns unit
America Would Prefer A Faster Microwave To A Mars Mission
Why does America have to pay for everything?
Healy-Raes Launch ‘No Drink Left Behind’ Initiative
Brothers forced to deny 'pig-in-the-parlour' pronunciation, is an electoral gimmick
Lifelong Marxist Struggling To Cope With Mainstream Approval
My enemy's anomie, is my friend
Scientists Prove That If A Tree Falls In Trinity, It Makes Noise At Cabinet Table
Trinity graduates around the world make traditional preening noise, at mention of alma mater
‘Mission Accomplished,’ Man Who Never Courted Popularity Told
Colleagues unanimously agree, retiring co-worker totally nailed that one
Teen Explains ‘Lesbian Jesus’ To Granny
Observers say Mrs Maher Snr's eyes remained glazed throughout first communion lunch
Marriage Is ‘A Controlling Relationship’
But you have to work at it...
Man Shat So Hard, He Changed His Mind About Referendum
Cathartic experience led to decision
The Internet Says You Have Cancer
Or else you're pregnant?
Stones Admit ‘Satisfaction’ Will Be Used To Advertise Viagra
Little Red Rooster belatedly confirms band is in bed with 'little blue tablet maker'
Jagger Denies ‘Satisfaction’ To Be Used In Viagra Commercial
Not selling Sympathy for the Devil to The Church of Satan either, publicist says
Family ‘Thrilled’ Daughter Has Lost Her Irish Accent
"I no longer think of myself as Irish," 22 year old who moved to London six weeks ago simpers, "I now regard myself as English!"
Ram Jam Bromance
On This Day...Nov 6, 2017 Canadian Premiere Justin Trudeau and Leo Varadkar discussed how to ram free trade deal through
‘Ruthless’ Rubber Bandits Behind Mitsubishi Collapse
Gardai also say the ‘horse outside’ failed a drug test on its way home on the night in question
Anyone Pretending To Be A Garda Commissioner Reporting A Missing Phone, Will Be Fined
The 'thin blue line' has gone dead...
He Told Them He Was Finished But Then They Asked Him To Do ‘One Last Job’
Maintains he was cultivating orchids when trouble came looking for him
Palestinian Extremists Stooping To Non Violence
Destruction of Israel 'narrowly avoided' by shooting peaceful protestors
Dog Shunned By Partner For Trying To Do It ‘Human Style’
Therapist says dog's mate feels demeaned by 'unnatural' request
America Remembers Last White Guy Who Could Cancel A Riot
The night America burned
Kid Who Had To Wait A Year For A Wheelchair, Would Probably Have Grown Out Of It By Now Anyway
Minister says delay is a 'swings and roundabouts' scenario that will 'save money' in longterm
Watching TV With The Curtains Open, Voted Ireland’s Pet Peeve
Watching 'the family Fritzl' way, judged deeply disturbing
Priest With A Twinkle In His Eye, Refuses To Say How He’s Going To Vote
Everyone knows how he's going to vote, parishoner confirms, but it's 'gas altogether' the way he won't say how
Taylor Swift To Record Banjo Album Of Marvin Gaye Covers
Critics dismiss singer's banjo based version of 'September', as "worse than Take That's cover of 'Smells Like Teen Spirit'"
NASA Engineer Admits Programming Mars Explorer To Carve His Initials Into Rock
Disgraced rocket scientist admits, 'It's not exactly rocket science'
Ireland In Danger Of Missing Out On Another World War
MEP warns 'we could miss out on all the action, next time the balloon goes up'.
Zuckerberg: “It Was Like That When I Got Here”.
Tells Congress 'Look, I'm a victim in all this too, ok??'
Irish Language Act Would Force Protestant Men To Give Their ‘John Thomases,’ A Gaelic Name
On the 20th anniversary of the GFA, Arlene Foster says Sinn Fein tried to 'force Irish down my throat'.
Actress Who Stopped Shaving Her Legs, Secretly Delighted At ‘Death Threats’
Last week she couldn't get arrested but this week she can get a table anywhere in town.
Shock As Democrats Choose Another Wealthy Irish-American With A Great Shit-Eating Smile
Democratic voters stunned party has chosen a candidate who's regularly described as 'Kennedyesque'.
Wedding Planner Referring To Guests As ‘Civilians’
The public know they can sleep soundly at night because the dedicated professionals who serve & protect them, have proper correspondence course qualifications.
Corporate Ireland The Original “Dead Poet’s Society”
Romantic Ireland's still dead and gone.
HSE Reports Spike In Panic Attacks, Following €65m Cannabis Seizure
An anxiety attack stems from the fear that your supply may be interrupted, whereas a full blown panic attack flows from the knowledge that it has been.
‘I blame The Parents,’ Says Alcoholic Woken By Crying Baby
Child should be at home in its bed, instead of waking ordinary decent citizens in broad daylight
No Animals Harmed During Making Of Movie But Three Barbecued Shortly Afterwards
I treated them like my own children, producer explained, right up until I didn't.
Bojo’s ‘Hitler Olympics’ Claim, Prompted By Fear Of Rees-Mogg’s ‘Dickensian Landlord’ Appeal
The actor Boris Johnson is said to be worried he's been eclipsed as the Tory party’s favourite caricature.
Wife Telling Husband She’s ‘Just As Bad A Communicator’ As He Is, Pretty Fucking Sure She’s Not
Privately, says a ‘talking horse' could communicate better than her husband,
Irish Emigrant Wonders If He Might Be Needed Back Home Anytime Soon
Reflects on pose he should strike, if Irish Times contacts him about emigration.
Woman Who Stepped Out Of Her Style Comfort Zone, Nominated For Bravery Award
Friends of 26 year old Laura Bradley cleared to reveal details of a 'daring' new black dress
Man On High Fibre Diet, ‘Really Laying Cable’
Coworker agrees it's hard to beat a good shit, especially when you've been 'cooking it for a while'
RTE’s Perfect ‘Lovely Bottoms’ Moment
Cream of Irish comedy ecstatic at station's 'inadvertent tribute' to Dermot Morgan, on 20th anniversary of his death
Woman Refuses To Accept Belief In Aliens And Astrology Incompatible
Insists planetary orbits within our solar system, govern daily life in distant galaxies
Man Hoping Prosthetic Hand Will Feel Like Somebody Else’s When He Jacks Off
Transplant hopeful 'cautiously optimistic' about a potential side effect of receiving a ‘new’ hand.
Indian Waiter Faints After Customer Orders Dessert
Manager confirms unprecedented event
We Are All Guilty In Kerry Babies Case, Say People Who Were Actually Guilty
In the fullness of time and with the benefit of hindsight, the people who actually caused this diabolical screw up, would now prefer if you agreed it's as much your fault, as it is theirs.
Nation Fully Backs Hysterical Response To Weather Forecast
Polls finds 81% of PAYE sector thinking of ordering a curry
Man Pretending Not To Be SF Supporter, Replies To Man Pretending Not To Be SF Opponent
Responding to a simplistic newspaper analysis, Sinn Fein supporter Frank Moran calmly pointed out its obvious flaws, while pretending to accept it was sincerely offered.
Kevin The Carrot Breaks His Silence
Star of Aldi’s Christmas TV commercial reaches out with emotional plea, following Advertising Standards Authority Ban
Man Admits That When He Said There Was Good News And Bad News, There Was Only Bad News
Newly wed Brian Feeney earlier moved to correct record over failure to do 'the one little thing he was asked to do'.
Gov To Double West’s Share Of Unfulfilled Infrastructure Promises By 2025
Because you're worth it, Taoiseach tells the West.
“You Won’t Feel It Now Till The Races,” Galway Old Timer Says
The Galway crawl.
No Matter How Much Weight Susan Boyle Loses, She’s Never Going To “Look Like A Model”
Consensus is, she's no 'silk purse'.
I Hope I Die Before Celine Dion Does
Failing that, he hopes she lives for ever.
Female Genital Mutilation In Ballinasloe
Portly Nightclub Bouncer Mick Glashan claimed he narrowly avoided a case of 'female genital mutilation' when an unhappy customer 'took a violent swing' at his groin with a large 'clutch bag'.
Study Finds Most Americans Killed By ‘Acts Of God,’ Live In Bible Belt States
God prefers to kill them all and let Himself sort it out later.
Keith Richards Never Had To Throw A Flat Screen TV Out Of His Hotel Window
Commenting on the challenges facing wanna-be Rock'n'Roll legends these days, veteran roadie Dave Griffin reflected on a 'simpler time' when you didn't need 'a goddamn ladder' to reach the telly.
Student Joins Poetry Society After ‘Falling In With The Wrong Crowd’
"NUIG have told me I must accept he'll probably never become a productive member of society," his mother sobbed.
Medical Card Will No Longer Cover ‘Pain Of The Blues’
Not even the Bullfrog blues!
Barman Curates Drinks Order
In a way that validates the originality of the customer's overall vision.
Dawkins: I Refuse To Believe In A God That Would Allow Crystal Swing To Exist
Claims any God that could countenance such horror, would be utterly devoid of all mercy.
Spanish Woman’s Pubic Hair Growing So Fast, It’s Not Worth Her While Getting A Brazilian
Claims she has a mullet.
Bored Teen Looking For Twitter Lynch Mob To Join
Then he's going to start a homework essay entitled, 'What it means to be a moral citizen'.
City Stunned By Teen’s Refusal To ‘Dress Like A Whore’ For Nightclub Visit
Called out of retirement to cover the sensational development, RTE veteran reporter Jim Fahy was lost for words.
Ombudsman Alarmed By Sharp Decline In Quality Of Police Lies
Spokesman recalls high standards of 'the golden age' of police porkies.
Woman Who Refuses To Follow, Accused Of Failing To Lead
Like Brexit thinktank?
Woman’s Boss Has ‘A Right Flea Up His Hole’ This Morning
Just like every other morning.
Trump’s Shithole Is Hurting Him
Doesn't sit well.
Chronic Attention-Seeker Unfulfilled By Global Scrutiny
It definitely didn't make him any happier.
Man Reveals How ‘Fairytale Of New York’ Was Recorded, To Rapidly Emptying Bar
Legendary Galway bore Brendan Coyne strikes again.
“If You’d Listened While I Was ‘Mansplaining’ How Not To Flood The Engine Honey, You’d Be Home By Now”
Sometimes it's just explaining...
Melania: ‘I Was Just An Innocent Gold Digger Looking For An Average White Millionaire’
An elderly one at that...
Study Showing Dolphins Can Use Words In Correct Order & Context, Rejected By Politician Who Can’t
He can 'speak in tongues' though?
Homeless Man Enjoying Christmas, Unaware He’s Hallucinating
It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!
Obese Hunter ‘Tests His Courage’ Against Distant, Limping, Near Blind Lion
A lion could live off a bloater like that for a whole week...
Minor Award Turns Midlist Author Into Grumpy Bore
I mean, are there any decent reviewers left!
Santa Would Prefer If You Didn’t Sit On His Lap?
Leave a little room for the holy ghost.
Teenager Recalls ‘Golden Age’ Of Twitter
More in sorrow than anger.
Hollywood Narcissists Split Up, Citing Wisdom Gained From Short, Bitter Marriage
They wish they didn't know now, what they didn't know then?
Horse Eager To Distance Itself From Asshole Who Rode In On It
Not keen on sharing traditional reward suggested for assholes who ride into town on horses.
Demand Surges After Ferris Wheel Breaks Down
The experience of a lifetime.
Man Laughs Insanely As He Buys ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’ CD For ‘Bastard Brother-In-Law’
Christmas party spirits.
Roscommon Gardai Close To Solving 4FM’s CLASSIC SONG INVESTIGATION
It was 'pure murder' to solve.
‘Orange Snow’ Riot In Connemara
More Billy Connolly than Ballyconneely.
Varadkar : “Telling The Truth Is Mandatory But Not Compulsory”
Secrets & lies?
Taxi Driver Unsure Exactly Which Mansion Asylum Seeker Lives In
But it was 'somewhere out in Howth'...
Newly Qualified First-Aider Hanging Around Dublin Airport ‘Just in case?’
Just an ordinary wannabe-hero.
I’ll go inside my own brain to find out the truth
Halligan will have to go!
Merkel Calls PM ‘A Major Buzzkill’
The girl who never gets asked to dance.
Newton Optimist: I can make anything ‘look bad’ for Sinn Fein
"A high Protestant on a high horse."
Man’s Penis Feeling More Like A Swinger Than A Soulmate Tonight
Leave the light off for me?
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