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What are the odds?
Or any of those "beats working" jobs, for that matter.
Spoiler alert: Everyone dies but they win in the end.
Consumerism's all about instant gratification.
Gardai playing the blame game.
Shoot me now and get it over
And the terrorists will have won?
One less Trump voter?
Famously tight-lipped about their paternity.
How could it have been wrong when it felt so right?
As consistently inconsistent, as ever.
In a way, it's progress?
Because we need to know.
It's meritocracy, basically.
With a Yeee and a hawww.
But only one of us is taking the trophy home?
And I'm as sceptical as the next guy.
Spat On is an anagram of An Post, btw?
It's a gut feeling.
Say what you like but whatever you say...
"Beat it," judge tells defendant.
Feared he not to tilt at windmills.
That'll show the bloody French!
...the one-eyed man is king!
It's more of a principle, really.
For the truth shall set ye free...
May also be to blame for El Niño.
Otherwise known as the homelessness crisis?
In Gahd they trust?
Our friends in the north.
Their noses are out of joint.
Biggest anus in history, says Vatican.
Because it's "not her truth"?
She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie...methane!
The Democrats won't lift a hand to defend the Almighty!
Like, why would a man who is nearly 90, just die like that? The Clintons were probably behind it.
An embarrassment of riches??
It's thought she'll break the habit of a lifetime and have a second Babycham.
Now that would really kill on Oprah.
And he shall reap the bitter fruits.
More naked hypocrisy .
Sunset for the Dirty Diggers dodgiest daily?
Six All Irelands in a row 'gone to their heads altogether'.
But it would be in very poor taste to point that out.
And then lorry down a naggin of vodka...
Some things never change.
Jurassic arse sparks larks.
If he knows what's good for him.
They say it best, when they say nothing at all...
Growing fears it may have been sold...
Holy guacamole, this gringo's feeling lowly.
Did the president call?
No-show Bojo, continues to lie low.
Whether they want it or not!
Musk says there won't be any 'Life on Mars' on Mars.
In keeping with best international practice.
But could have had a career in the navy instead...
Red Hand of Ulster, caught in the till of protestant probity.
Not just a 'bend in the road'.
And none were harmed in the making of this commercial.
Still no word on the manuscript then...
Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot?
Reckons he probably did it his way but...not entirely sure about that either?
Angels don't need money.
That was a close one!
Rejects suggestion the Green party is "just Fine Gael on bikes".
Meghan details couple's extensive wish list.
It's the way you tell 'em.
Judging by unconvincing tabloid accounts of its 'famous' sharpness.
Prison looks more comfortable.
Members feeling 'green about the gills' over museum row.
Forty going on four and a half.
But then everyone 'Brexited' from it!
Difficult to reach group raising concerns.
Planning to call her mother first and get that out of the way early.
Deep state of disbelief required.
Shaken but not stirred.
Doesn't realize they're just maskholes.
Judge doesn't know Wright from wrong.
Could she be the new Trump?
From the millionaire who criticised 'me first' attitude of some.
Beaton around the bush.
If it really has to be said.
Seen as a clown, not a Churchill.
Members advised they can 'stop when they need glasses'.
It just feels longer.
One that sent a powerful message to the world.
Insiders say White House photocopiers were printing pardons late into the night.
And everyone said he was legend.
It's not easy being a bum, especially in this contest.
News pushes covid death toll off the front pages.
It works every time!
Why won't they tell us what they won't tell us?
Because if not, that wouldn't be funny.
Produce the 'sunny uplands'.
Racism 'played no part' in decision to execute black guy who wasn't carrying a firearm.
The first cut is the deepest.
But still, probably much less than most people...
The Barbara Windsor I knew zzzzzz.
You just never see that on tv?
Trump said to be incandescent - even if he can't spell it.
The Kilclooney looney.
Take all the time you need!
Those worms that eat plastic will sort it all out, won't they?
Natives say the meat on this monkey's ass tastes better than the meat on any other type of monkey's ass.
It's called special pleading.
Because acting isn't hard, dying is hard.
It ain't called driving rain for nothing.
The Orange Order is over but its effects will long be felt.
Says its 2,141 electoral college votes will carry him over the line.
Vows he will apologize to no one for his exceptional humility.
Give yourselves a big pat on the back.
Because you can be anything you want?
Also convinced the gov is clueless.
The 'lapdog Lebedevs' should be Putin jail.
It's called 'scooting'.
Main stumbling block is its subject.
Too early to tell if it will be successful.
GOP thought to be at particular risk of developing porcine respiratory coronavirus.
He couldn't lie straight in bed.
In the end, it just makes you bitter.
'Money won't make you happy' & and other excruciating banalities.
Pinocchio PM strikes again!
A boy can dream, can't he!
This blue 'line' is pretty thin.
Unable to sleep with worry.
He 'never lies'?
Romance has broke down.
The Lord works in mysterious ways...the bastard!
World first for Britain.
Why not try it on your husband tonight?
Public being treated like mushrooms...
Top Ten Things To Do To Stop Him.
A little push never hurt anyone.
Fashionable Dublin 2 watering hole, no longer watering holes like it used to.
Whatsapp group also dubs Green leader 'Autopilot Eamon'.
Ulster says "No?"
Never upset people who can count to 11 on their fingers.
It will always go on until it doesn't.
Or the Black Knight saying 'None shall pass' in the Holy Grail.
There's a first time for everything.
Because there ought to be plenty of room...
Virtual mayoralty even worse than actual mayoralty.
Private lives and high fives of Galway's suburban housewives.
Fat cats (pictured) say democracy in Moscow-on-Thames, safe as their off-shore accounts.
High ground vs high horse.
Who'd a thunk it!
Johnson personality cult brooks no opposition.
Decisive win for Trump over 'barking' North Korean leader, after extended period of leapfrogging in international ratings.
For which we apologize unreservedly.
But still doesn't understand what all the fuss is about.
By Fintan O'Tool.
Says he wasn't the man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo either.
We must move forward without forgetting the past.
The Jack Charlton I knew off the telly.
Ennis says no to 'status quo'.
Explosive Sun trial revelation!
In 'all sincerity'.
Probably somewhere near Birr.
Willie O'Dj plays the blues.
But Fox News is the real victim here.
So maybe it's time to talk about 'supporting democracy'?
Remember these guys?
Only kidding, says Shantalla chanteuse.
Father's Day confession.
The road has a way of making you crazy.
Churchill wannabe worse than Adolf.
They have a thing going on?
Which character are you & other idiotic toss.
Parenting during the lockdown
Is it one of the hardest things he's ever had to do? We may never know.
PandeMick O'Leary is really quite sweary.
It's called Dacryphilia
Singer considering legal action.
"I'm starting to crown!"
But manages to keep a straight face
If she absolutely had to?
You need to get it before the other two guys.
Ask not what he did for his country...
It's a cover up!
That neither of us, would ever act upon.
That's how it works.
Because we care.
He's not hamming it up now though, is he!
A licence to print
Company's meaningless motto - "Believe in better" - a perfect cipher for the times we live in.
Or take his own life!
The British Fraudcasting Corporation?
Same as it ever was.
It can only be a matter of time.
You have to go with the flow.
So...not a danger mouse
Most live in a social leper colony.
Pilot a hot contender for this year's Ig Noble prize.
A candle in the wind?
Micheál Martin latest party leader to become infected.
Another historic first for Brexit
And nobody knows it better.
Not even homo or knacker!
Mrs Baghdaddi, pictured on the right, out shopping with friends.
"I'm living abroad," he confirms.
Hear her call
For the love of Jesus!
And robbed twice at Christmas.
Emergency services issue advisory notice declaring the incident a 'legitimate excuse to leave work early and get pissed on the way home' event.
'As I always said I would'.
PM overheard lying to pensioner
Claims Princess Diana was a known fan of Jackson's 'crotch grab' manoeuvre.
One who wants to know if you've been working out lately?
It's good to have a goal.
Public's reaction on a par with the winter vomiting bug.
You couldn't make it up!
Sideways, never mind 'front and back'!
How DOES she do it!
On a knife edge
You learn a lot about yourself when you have to decide how much of anything you can shove up your rectum.
Prone to pique and pissfits.
The Husbands of Sinead O'Connor group warn against any further expansion of their number without extra funding
Firmly rejects any suggestion of causal link between other people's disabilities and his own mood
He's not entirely sure he has a personality either, if he's completely honest.
Because a wink is as good as a grudge.
All the tory newspapers say so...
She just wants your honest opinion.
They may deny it but it's true.
Protestors heartbroken by decision to continue 'inhumane system'
'Clappers' thought to be in the lower IQ percentiles
In other news, Castlebar man to marry his penis.
"Sure they're all riding each other in there".
Even 'Ebony and Ivory'
Translation: won't somebody think of the children.
Help him move on by reducing his tip - it's what Margaret would have wanted.
Probably something to do with a sniper or a serial killer?
You have to get up early to do this job
Can't see himself buying a round though
Nothing to see here
You may be suffering from PTSD
And definitely not a kick up the ass.
Because these days, that would pretty much guarantee him a seat in congress.
You can always fall back on 'Feng shui', reiki or 'aligning your chakras'.
Be careful what you wish for
The bag that deflects all suspicion.
She won't let him say 'namaste' to indian waiters either.
Court rejects his bogus focus
Museum apologises for error
In five years time?
Missing cartoon figure.
Should have been on the "What's Snot" list
And other common idiocies
Scientists discover eye muscle that causes 'bimbo erruptions'
Why do they hate us so!
Family keen for him to spend more time with politics
There's no place like home anymore.
The peoples' friend and only champion
Banksy expected any day
Farts like it's been eating game
Just in case...
Openly describes himself as "an inside out Oreo"
By the hamster who made him.
Archibald will grow up 'just like a normal boy because he won't have a royal title'?
And then he won't have to read it
Busker wonders if it's an Irish thing
You should hear him trying to pronounce Irish names!
Arts student pretty sure he's giving 'the normos' something to think about.
'Rebooted dead pig' says it expected the future PM to put an apple in its mouth
Public warned not to approach him, even if his face 'rings a bell'.
Former first lady moves a step closer to sainthood
Despite having been given a typewriter on day one.
Gardai confident he'll crack before weekend and start to...sing like a bird?
No piss in the pistachio ice cream either.
In a way, it's kinda sweet?
Don't say you weren't warned!
Sure don't mind me...
Boner's owner was a greedy loner
There's no 'excaping' it.
Could rename themselves the English Research Group...if they actually did any research
It's not all 'Ring-a-ring-a-rosie'
My milkshake brought all the boys to the yard, recalls sprightly pensioner
The Magic Roundabout?
Prison Officers Association to demand compensation
I do if you do.
And the Oscar for drunken blubbering goes to...
Didn't stop till he 'got enough'
Better to live free for a day in a poundland Britain than a thousand years under the yoke of EU prosperity.
A good necklace is nothing to be ashamed of!
She always knew that some day, it would all come to an end.
MIND how you go or you may go out of your mind
He's usually carried in a sedan chair.
We have problems, they have 'demons'.
Delivery men who carry large sheets of glass, expected to support call.
Because why else would they not pick her?
Or needs to make a note about something really, really, really important.
Bar the features editor.
Nobody will see that coming!
The face that says you can't eat just yet.
Say hello, wave goodbye
Haven't they suffered enough...
And I'm pretty sure he's judging me?
They're not called 'the wee small hours' for nothing
Defendant is such an ugly word
A commander-in-chief who is strong on offense.
Otherwise, oncologist warns, I'm not to be interrupted
Announcement followed prolonged period of chin stroking
If you're happy in your ethical diaper, clap your hands...
It's never too late until it is.
The Queen condenses, while the Doc dispenses, ahead of 'make or break' show down
The smile that says 'Don't worry, I'm just like you!'
Party of the 'frozen chosen' also suspicious of the New Testament
No pun intended
We may never know whether or not they had 'furries' in medieval times
Team 'waiting in the long grass' for opponents
Judge finds music played no part in building's collapse
It is what it is and we are where we are, so it means what it means
Royal Cork Yacht Club members 'ready to pop,' as they await minister's account of meeting
Must be the satnav
But forgets to wash the soap out of his ass
I'm partial to a glass of sherry
Macnas torchbearer's acting, described as 'luminous'
Public failed to notice his absence or presence during presidential debates
Don't cry for me, the truth is, I never left you
Fair City actor's band of fart-catchers
The sauce that's even better than drugs.
The front line
Song 'perfectly encapsulates' party's attitude to dancing
Nobody in pub wants to win 'the McGregor way'
Peter Casey accused of 'trying to take the axe out of Irish politics'
But the 'Dancing Queen' would love to partition the Tory party
Galway Light Rail clearly visible in the bottom of your glass
The 'willing suspension of disbelief,' suspended willingly
Welfare tourists block O'Connell St
Verdict is 'PC gone mad'!
Paper saves Murdoch's ass
Because you're also a library card holder and a cyclist?
Veep's leaked response to news of 'Crimson Tide' director's 2012 death
Claims 'this would never have happened under Bertie'
If you're not careful, you'll end up on tobacco?
Rainy forest not the same as 'a rainforest'
Support for the public at at it's lowest since polls were introduced
Already agreed to cover the cost of forging the letters.
Turns out the 'top heavy' kid on daughter’s swim team over 18 after all
Popular anchor's dermal disaster.
After a long day spent telling people not to touch the art, she really needs that
Bookies astonished party set to pick another pig to lead it
Promises any intimate scenes will be 'integral to the storyline'
Keep looking for a mark, mister, because you've struck out here.
Your bouche won't be 'amuse' when you see the price of this ruse.
Sales of Supermac's 'shnack box' expected to set new record
Extremely rare sighting of 'Black seagull' turned out to be a crow
Noel Whelan gets all niggledy
Legendary Galway bore, 'the preacher of platitudes,' strikes again
Men 'just can't handle it'
Neighbours agree this type of guilt-fuelled gush, a surefire give-away
Ivan 'the terrible'.
You didn't mean to but you did.
Battle of Britain next in line to receive the 'special relationship' treatment!
Nothing, if not a man of his word
Fish are stalked under the relentless glare of artificial strip lighting.
2012 transcript shows president argued "Jail ain't no place for fine laydeez"
The disease says its been overwhelmed by messages of goodwill & support for its struggle
And then she told me where to fly.
Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor
FF leader's condition not thought to be serious, after undergoing tests in the burns unit
Why does America have to pay for everything?
Brothers forced to deny 'pig-in-the-parlour' pronunciation, is an electoral gimmick
My enemy's anomie, is my friend
Trinity graduates around the world make traditional preening noise, at mention of alma mater
Colleagues unanimously agree, retiring co-worker totally nailed that one
Observers say Mrs Maher Snr's eyes remained as glazed as the ham, throughout first communion lunch.
But you have to work at it...
Cathartic experience led to decision
Or else you're pregnant?
Little Red Rooster belatedly confirms band is in bed with 'little blue tablet maker'
Not selling Sympathy for the Devil to The Church of Satan either, publicist says
"I no longer think of myself as Irish," 22 year old who moved to London six weeks ago simpers, "I now regard myself as English!"
On This Day...Nov 6, 2017 Canadian Premiere Justin Trudeau and Leo Varadkar discussed how to ram free trade deal through
Gardai also say the ‘horse outside’ failed a drug test on its way home on the night in question
The 'thin blue line' has gone dead...
Maintains he was cultivating orchids when trouble came looking for him
Destruction of Israel 'narrowly avoided' by shooting unarmed, peaceful protestors dead.
Therapist says dog's mate feels demeaned by 'unnatural' request
The night America burned
Minister says delay is a 'swings and roundabouts' scenario that will 'save money' in longterm
Watching 'the family Fritzl' way, judged deeply disturbing
Everyone knows how he's going to vote, parishoner confirms, but it's 'gas altogether' the way he won't say how
Critics dismiss singer's banjo based version of 'September', as "worse than Take That's cover of 'Smells Like Teen Spirit'"
Disgraced rocket scientist admits, 'It's not exactly rocket science'
MEP warns 'we could miss out on all the action, next time the balloon goes up'.
Tells Congress 'Look, I'm a victim in all this too, ok??'
On the 20th anniversary of the GFA, Arlene Foster says Sinn Fein tried to 'force it down my throat'.
Last week she couldn't get arrested but this week she can get a table anywhere in town.
Democratic voters stunned party has chosen a candidate who's regularly described as 'Kennedyesque'.
Because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want her on that wall – you need her on that wall.
Romantic Ireland's (still) dead and gone.
An anxiety attack stems from the fear that your supply may be interrupted, whereas a full blown panic attack flows from the knowledge that it has been.
Child should be at home in its bed, instead of waking ordinary decent citizens in broad daylight
I treated them like my own children, producer explained, right up until I didn't.
The actor Boris Johnson is said to be worried he's been eclipsed as the Tory party’s favourite caricature.
Because frankly, a ‘talking horse' could communicate better than he does,
Reflects on pose he should strike, if Irish Times contacts him about emigration.
Friends of 26 year old Laura Bradley cleared to reveal details of a 'daring' new black dress
Coworker agrees it's hard to beat a good shit, especially when you've been 'cooking it for a while'
Cream of Irish comedy ecstatic at station's 'inadvertent tribute' to Dermot Morgan, on 20th anniversary of his death
Insists planetary orbits within our solar system, govern daily life in distant galaxies
Transplant hopeful 'cautiously optimistic' about potential side effect of ‘new’ hand.
Manager confirms unprecedented event
In the fullness of time and with the benefit of hindsight, the people who actually caused this diabolical screw up, would now prefer if you agreed it's as much your fault, as it is theirs?
Polls finds 81% of PAYE sector thinking of ordering a curry
Responding to a simplistic newspaper analysis, Sinn Fein supporter Frank Moran calmly pointed out its obvious flaws, while pretending to accept it was sincerely offered.
Star of Aldi’s Christmas TV commercial reaches out with emotional plea, following Advertising Standards Authority Ban.
Newly wed Brian Feeney earlier moved to correct record over failure to do 'the one little thing he was asked to do'.
Because you're worth it, Taoiseach tells the West.
The Galway crawl.
Consensus is, she's no 'silk purse'.
Failing that, he hopes she lives for ever.
FGM narrowly avoided by bouncer when woman took violent swing at his groin with a large clutch bag.
God prefers to 'kill them all and let Himself sort it out later'.
The walking dead.
Nowadays he'd need a screwdriver and a ladder.
"NUIG have told me I must accept he'll probably never become a productive member of society," his mother sobbed.
Not even the Bullfrog blues!
In a way that validates the originality of the customer's overall vision.
Claims any God that could countenance such horror, would be utterly devoid of all mercy.
Claims she has a mullet.
Then he has an essay to finish, entitled, 'What it means to be a moral citizen'.
Called out of retirement to cover the sensational development, RTE veteran reporter Jim Fahy was lost for words.
Spokesman recalls high standards of 'the golden age' of police porkies.
Beg your pardon?
Like Brexit thinktank?
Just like every other morning.
It doesn't sit well with him.
It definitely didn't make him any happier.
Legendary Galway bore Brendan Coyne strikes again.
Sometimes it's just explaining...
An elderly one at that...
He can 'speak in tongues' though?
It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!
Three lions could live off this bloater for a whole week...
I mean, are there any decent reviewers left!
Leave a little room for the holy ghost?
More in sorrow than anger.
They wish they didn't know now, what they didn't know then?
Not keen on sharing traditional reward suggested for assholes AND the horses they'd ridden into town on.
The 'experience' of a lifetime.
Christmas party spirits.
It was 'pure murder' to solve.
More Billy Connolly than Ballyconneely.
Walking on glass.
The rare oul times.
Secrets & lies?
Cruel & unusual.
But it was 'somewhere out in Howth'...
Just an ordinary wannabe-hero.
Halligan will have to go!
The girl who never gets asked to dance.
A High Protestant on a high horse?
Leave the light off for me?