America has agreed to pay exorbitant compensation to France for the “totally unprovoked abomination” that is Emily In Paris. News of the deal led to street parties in the French capital, on a scale previously seen only after WWII ended.
The deal is contingent, President Macron of France has stressed, on the White House imposing a lifetime travel ban on Lily Collins who plays the part of the crass American in Paris. “Purely,” he suggested, “for her own safety?” A spokesman for Macron warned that “If she appears once more on our soil in a dress with a bow the size of a dead pig on the front, we will not be responsible!”
French police say they have already foiled two attempts on Collins’ life. One of these was described as a “Day of the Jackal” style plot, after the film of the same name. In the movie, a rooftop sniper tries to assassinate President De Gaulle, while he presents medals to war veterans on Boulevard Montparnasse.
In an eerie parallel, French police arrested a hitman on a ledge high above the boulevard, who was “cackling madly”, as he waited for filming of Emily to begin. Police say the elderly man who was on the verge of retirement, confessed to taking on the hit as a bit of ‘pro-bono’ work.
Detectives say he wept like a motherless child, claiming “This one little job would have wiped out all the bad karma for a lifetime of terrible deeds”.