In an unlikely move that has united both sides of the north’s divide, a bonfire builder who fell to his death off a pyre he was helping to build, is to be cremated atop it tonight.
The man died in the run up to the annual sectarian orgy known as ‘the marching season’ during which drunken loyalists roam the streets howling bloodthirsty anthems, accompanied by out of tune flute bands of a neo-fascist nature. The start date for this annual rampage of sectarian, triumphalist, supremacist behaviour, kicks off today on ‘the glorious twalfth’, as the anniversary of the Battle of the Boyne is also known.
Sammy Wilson – his 70s porn moustache as bewitchingly oiled as ever – acknowledged the pain the death had caused.
“The fact that it was an act of God makes it doubly hard to take,” he explained, “because it means we can’t even claim Sinn Fein was somehow behind it? Although there’s no doubt in my mind, they were somehow behind it.”
Meanwhile the nationalist community confirmed it was ‘one hundred percent’ behind the proposal to cremate the man atop the bonfire, “along with all the tricolours, campaign posters of prominent nationalists and signs bearing anti-Catholic slogans that ‘couldn’t be repeated in a family newspaper’.”
Meanwhile, around the world, the news was enthusiastically greeted as “a rare win for Northern Ireland”.