British Startup Invents Long-Distance Arse Kissing Machine

A British start-up has invented a long-distance arse kissing machine that transmits users’ kiss data collected through motion sensors hidden in silicon lips, which simultaneously move when replaying kisses received.

The invention was inspired by lockdown isolation when a young Tory activist, frustrated at the cancellation of the annual party conference, couldn’t satisfy his urge to grovel and kiss the arses of his rightwing political heroes. The machine resembles a mobile stand with colourless pursed lips protruding from the front. Users must first download an app on to their smartphones and pair their arse kissing machines.

The device is available in several colours with the same unisex lips. It has received mixed reviews, with some senior Tories saying it was intriguing whereas others said it made them feel uncomfortable. Among the top complaints was its lack of tongue.

“It’s quite uncomfortable,” Michael Gove said, because it doesn’t really feel like your arse is being sincerely kissed,” Jacob Rees-Mogg however, warmed to the news. “I’ve always wanted to kiss my own arse,” he revealed, “and thanks to this new device, I’ll finally be able to realize my dream”.