“If a rank-and-file garda caught Jack the Ripper,” Garda Tom Lohan claimed this evening, “he still wouldn’t get on Crimecall.”
Lohan, known as ‘moonboots’ on account of his unnaturally large shoe size, was addressing local pensioner Mary Minnihan beside the monument in Birr’s Emmet Square.
“Shockin’,” Minihan replied, shaking her head slowly from side to side, to emphasize the depth of her shock.
Lohan then explained that ‘a crew like that wouldn’t let you in anyway Mary, if you’re not one of them, if you know what I mean’.
“Oh ‘deed an’ I do,” Minihan replied, piously throwing her eyes up to heaven, at the same time as she crossed herself for ‘protection’ against the unimaginable depravity implied by Lohan.
Minihan then inquired if there was any sign of a breakthrough in the local crime wave that had seen ‘perverts putting condoms into the poorbox of St Brendan’s Church every week’?
“Solve that one Tom,” she solemnly advised, “and the Offaly Independent will put your name up in lights.
“The Montrose arse mafi won’t be able to stop you crashin’ their party then,” she added.