.
GOP Unable To Come To The Phone Right Now
A majority of Republican senators contacted for comment on the George Floyd/Black Lives Matter protests, are too tied up to come to the phone right…
(bone) spur of the moment?
“I Like People Who Weren’t Shot Down,” Trump Says After Bush Funeral
After the funeral of George HW Bush, President Trump was overheard saying, "I like people who weren't shot down". His comment recalled his feud with…
#blm?
England Quite Relaxed About White Player Missing Penalty
England appears to have taken an intensely relaxed attitude to Harry Kane's missed penalty against France in the World Cup, compared to the sickening racial…
#OhCrepe
America Agrees To Pay Reparations For Emily In Paris
America has agreed to pay exorbitant compensation to France for the "totally unprovoked abomination" that is Emily In Paris. News of the deal led to…
#smashthepatriarchy
Apparently It’s Empowering For Your Teenage Daughter To Dress Like A Whore
"The worst thing about seeing your 16 year old daughter dressing in a way that makes Victoria's Secret models look like Mary Poppins," Bartley Allen…
1922
Woman Remembers The Good Old Days When Everyone Had TB
Margaret Duffy, who can still recall every single unmarried mother from her parish, celebrated her 100th birthday yesterday. “A lot of the so-called ‘butter wouldn’t…
2012 memo
Biden: I’ll Bet Tony Scott’s ‘Trademark Red Hat’ Is a Lot Redder Now
Donald Trump has declassified a controversial White House memo highlighting Joe Biden's reaction to the death of British director Tony Scott in August 2012. The…
2x2
New Find Puts ‘Noah’s Ark’ Ahead Of ‘Tomb Of Jesus’ In “Most Discovered Biblical Site” Rankings
The latest 'discovery' of the site of Noah's Ark, brings the total number of times it's been found in various different places, to 26. The…
420
Musk Embracing Managerial Incompetence Like It’s An Emerging Art Form
After mass layoffs, wild policy swerves (often followed by swift reversals) and global twitter outages, Elon Musk continues to baffle. Yesterday, he was forced to…
- I Know Just How Ukrainians Must Feel Because I Had A Really Bad Day At Work
- Man Willing To Do That Job Where You Have To Spit Out Wine
- Man Who Looks Like Shroud Of Turin Has No Idea Why He’s Stopped And Searched So Often
9 to 5
Study Finds Only Thing Worse Than Listening To Country Music, Is Listening To German Language Cover Versions Of Country Music
Taking a moment out from singing along to 'Arbeit neun bis füenf,' a feisty German language version of Dolly Parton's 1981 hit about the forty…
a funny thing happened
Oh No I’ve Ruined It, Says Mom Trying To Tell Joke
After her third beer, shy stay-at-home mom Deirdre Waldron decided to try one more time to overcome her tragic record of being unable to tell…
a heinous anus
“Call The Midwife,” Screams Constipated Castlebar Man
The ambulance service refused to take badly constipated Castlebar man Gussy Hoban to Mayo University Hospital last night, after he rang claiming to be suffering…
A la recherche
How Big Jack Taught Us To Love Proust, Speak Softly And Play The Tin Whistle
By Fintan O'Tool Like all of my columns, this one is rooted in "another great but unrecognized paradox of Irish life" which of course, only…
a little help?
Popularity Of Indian Food Proves Ireland ‘Definitely Not Racist’
As the lockdown slowly eases, a new Irish Times poll looks at the wider context of race and diversity in modern Ireland. In reply to…
a rose by any other name...
NUIG To Be Renamed UG – Loss Of Letters ‘N’ And ‘I’ Blamed On “Cutbacks”
During the Celtic Tiger years, in a change that baffled many graduates, UCG expanded to become NUIG. Now however with a cost of living crisis…
a state of chasis
Fruit Sellers Demand End To High Speed Car Chases
The San Francisco Street Vendors Association has called for an end to high-speed car chases that force fruit sellers to display open mouthed astonishment, before…
A Tzar Is Born
Putin Says “Haters Gonna Hate”
Vladimir Putin has quoted Taylor Swift's single 'Shake It Off' to deflect criticisms of his barbaric war with Ukraine. At the end of a press…
A vast emptiness
‘Normal People’ Pollution Reaches Earth’s Last Wilderness
Scientists have confirmed that fawning admiration for the TV adaptation of Sally Rooney's novel, Normal People, has reached the Antartic. A team spent three weeks…
a wooster's word
Boris: ‘More Than Happy’ To Do Andrew Neil Interview Now.
Boris Johnson says he's now ready to follow through on the 'solemn campaign promise' he gave to the people of Great Brexitland, to sit down…
above politics
Shatter Makes Play For Sneering Contempt Portfolio.
As Mr. Shatter's long recovery continues, following his 2014 fall off the highest political horse in Irish history, he has hinted he hopes to once…
Act normal
Castlebar Knew Her ‘When She Was Nobody’
"Oh she's big now these days, right enough," publican Paddy Clancy said today, "and that's a fact, for sure." The former sandwich board man, beer…
actions speak louder
We’re All Ukrainians Now, Says Irishman Refusing To Order Girlfriend A ‘Black Russian’ Cocktail
The notorious Galway bore and legendary tightwad Brendan Coyne, last night refused to order girlfriend Chrissy Joyce a cocktail with the word ‘Russian’ in the…
ad hom
George Santos Angrily Denies He Ever Owned A Book
George Santos has denounced a claim that he owns a book as "a dirty rotten lie" and promised to "sue anyone who says different". He…
adorably tender
No Animals Harmed During Making Of Movie But Three Barbecued Shortly Afterwards
At the wrap barbecue for Charlotte's Web, producer Jordan Kerner confirmed that none of the trio of 'adorably cute' piglets used to portray Wilbur -…
affront to democracy
We May Never Know The Truth, Says Minister Feeding Documents Into Paper Shredder
Green party leader Eamon 'Skullduggery' Ryan, took a journalist's call today, above the roar of an industrial strength paper shredder. The call was about attempts…
Again?
Farmers Not Happy About Something
Reports are coming in that farmers are not happy about something but the precise source of their unhappiness, has yet to be clearly identified. Met…
Again???
Wagner Captures Bakhmut For The Fifth Time
Wagner group leader Yevgeny 'Pinnochio' Prigozhin has again claimed his mercenary army has fully captured the eastern Ukrainian town of Bakhmut. "I know I've said this…
against the grain
Five Years Sober. Can I Bore The Hole Off You About It?
Five years ago today! Rock bottom. That's when I knew? The first step is recognizing you have a problem. One day at a time. The…
AK47 to P45
Alan Kelly Resignation: Public Shocked To Learn He Was Labour Leader
The public have reacted with shock to the news that Alan Kelly has been the Labour leader for the past two years. "I thought he…
ali-moany
‘BitchCoin’ Is Not Another Word For Alimony, Judge Tells Castlebar Man
Boston Family Court judge Jean McGovern told 34 year old Castelebar man Alan McHale today that he is not allowed enter the term ‘Bitchcoin’ on…
all action
Man Ok With AI Risks, So Long As It Delivers A Good Sex Robot
“On balance,” Barry Dwyer mused today, “so long as I get a really top-notch sex robot out of it, AI can run the world however…
all by himself
Musk Says Flight Attendant Never Truly Loved His Scarred, Tattooed Penis
Elon Musk says a flight attendant who claims he exposed himself to her, “never truly loved the little fella or she’d have been able to…
all for one
Call For Unity Amongst Left Sparks Vicious Brawl
A call for unity amongst left wing politicians on the city council, ahead of last week's vote to elect the mayor, resulted in a vicious…
all stars
Fed Says Risk To Economy From Drag Queens “Greatly Overstated”
The Federal Reserve says the risk Drag Queens pose to the US economy has been greatly overstated and that fallout from the banking crisis is…
an assortment
Is It Wrong To Say Miss Bum Bum Has ‘One Hell Of An Ass’?
We only ask because the 'woke jury' is still out on The Miss Bum Bum Pageant and we're not sure of the correct protocol on…
analysis
Man Pretending Not To Be SF Supporter, Replies To Man Pretending Not To Be SF Opponent
Once again, a well known 'single issue columnist' while pretending not to be a Sinn Fein opponent, republished the article that over many years, had…
ancient creek
Attendant Can’t Wait For Gallery To Close, To Begin Licking Exhibits
Lauren St. George, whose friends call her 'Georgie', heaved a sigh of relief last night, as she headed for the New York Metropolitan Museum of…
and that's a fact
Man Breaks Long Silence To Reveal He’s Totally Off His Tits
"Wow!" Stephen Higgins exclaimed this evening, as he roused himself from a forty minute stupor to ask 'fellow traveller,' Francis Lenihan, "Was I gone for…
and then where will they be?
It’s All Fun And Games Until Somebody Gets Murdered, Montessori Teacher Warns
An ugly situation was averted during 'circle time' at Galway city's Busy Bee Montessori yesterday, when three year old Jonathon Tierney briefly disrupted class. Newly…
Another first
British Startup Invents Long-Distance Arse Kissing Machine
A British start-up has invented a long-distance arse kissing machine that transmits users’ kiss data collected through motion sensors hidden in silicon lips, which simultaneously…
anyone who had a heart
DUP Denies It’s In Greater Need Of A Heart Than Boy On Transplant List
Deep inside the most recent hole they've dug for themselves, the DUP insists the party has ‘a perfectly good heart’ but that on no account…
ask roe
Woman Who Thought She Was Dating A Priest, Learns He Was Just A Guy Wearing His Dead Uncle’s Clothes
Two years ago, I began an affair with a Catholic priest I met at a fundraiser for the third world. I fell deeply in love…
baby biffo
Cowen ‘Profoundly Sorry’ He Got Caught
New agriculture minister Barry Cowen said yesterday of his 2016 drink driving ban that "no one is more sorry I got caught than I am".…
babyshambles
Queen To Get Completely Wankered Tonight
Buckingham Palace has informed No 10 that the Queen is to get 'totally fucked up' tonight, to mark the end of a 55 year wait…
Back to the 80s
America Paid Militants To Kill Soldiers But That Was, Like, Back In Olden Times?
WASHINGTON — The White House has conceded that America secretly paid militants bounties to kill Russian troops in Afghanistan but that until time travel is possible,…
back to the future
Muslim Woman Who Was Fined For Covering Her Face, Told To Cover Her Face
Najate Amas, a French Muslim who in 2011 was fined for covering her face, complains she has now been told by police to cover her…
bagatelle
Trump Calls Baghdadi’s Wife ‘Baghmammy’
White House spokeswoman Stephanie Grisham has insisted the president was joking earlier today, when he referred to one of the four wives of former Islamic…
Baked?
Sleepy Joe Smokes America’s Biggest Ham For The Second Time
As the dust of the 2022 midterms settles, it's clear that President Biden has 'smoked' Donald Trump's MAGA world, for the second time. Trump who…
Ballad of BOJO
The Actor Boris ‘Crikey’ Johnson
Boris Johnson's very posh,It doesn't stop him talking tosh.Boris Johnson's upper class,It doesn’t stop him being an ass. If Boris doesn't like your race,He'll make fun…
banal
Papal Anus Getting Millions Of Hits
The Vatican has confirmed the Papal anus is receiving millions of 'hits' by the hour, as the faithful continue to click on a website set…
barbie girl
Paris Hilton Campaign To Prove She’s “Not An Airhead” Has Some Way To Go
After the runaway success of her lengthy campaign to establish her image as an overtly sexual halfwit, Paris Hilton's latest project is faltering. In a…
barf
Putin Says Last Oligarch’s Death “Really Was Accidental”
Vladimir Putin has lodged a complaint about the BBC's coverage of the death of one of his closest allies, Ivan Pechorin, who recently drowned after…
- No Accountant Was Harmed In The Making Of This Movie
Bás in Eirinn
Irish Emigrant Wonders If He Might Be Needed Back Home Anytime Soon
As he sipped on a cold beer in the Australian sunshine, 32 year old Shane McFadden settled down to enjoy Generation Emigration, The Irish Times…
beak
Court Spares Man Who Has Whole Life Of Racism In Front Of Him
An Irish racist wept in court today when told he would not be sentenced for sending vile death threats to former Arsenal player Ian Wright.…
beardy weirdy
Taliban Ask Andrew Tate To Be New Minister For Women’s Welfare
"Mr. Tate is the dream candidate for this role," a jubilant Taliban spokesman said today, “what is there not to like about him!” He was…
beat it
Castlebar Man Not Sold “A Gay Computer”
A local man appearing before Judge Fiona Leyden today at Castlebar District Court, was described as a 'bloody nuisance'. Castlebar man Gerry Beaton explained to the…
- ‘Michael Jackson Done It All The Time,’ No Excuse For Rubbing Your Balls In Public, Judge Tells Man
Beat that
West Clare Hotelier Offers Three Sausages With Every Fried Breakfast To Boost Bookings
A prominent "West Clare Hotelier" has launched a special offer to try and turn business around in the tiny village of Doonbeg, on Ireland's Atlantic…
because you're worth it
Manufacturing Happy To Continue Rape Of Earth So Your TV Snacks Come Individually Wrapped In Plastic
Following a hastily convened meeting, manufacturers have confirmed gouging and despoiling the planet will continue, to protect you from the alliance of Marxists and radical…
- Gov To Double West’s Share Of Unfulfilled Infrastructure Promises By 2025
Beer Goggles?
Ireland Introduces New Alcohol Label Warning “Booze Makes Everyone Look More Attractive Than They Really Are”
Ireland is to become the first country in the world to mandate health labelling on alcoholic drinks to alert people to the fact that "after…
Believe in better
The Revenue Will Cut You Some Slack But Not Sky
American billionaire Brian L. Roberts has confirmed Sky will immediately disconnect customers who can't pay, no matter the circumstances. Even after banks, other financial institutions…
bellend
Boris Voted Britain’s Biggest Cockwomble
A new poll has found a clear majority of the public now view Boris Johnson as a 'total cockwomble'. A cockwomble is defined as a…
berk
Lying, Racist, Morally Bankrupt MP, Surprise Favourite To Lead Tories
In a shock development, the actor & Tory MP Boris Johnson's racist comments have been widely understood by his own party, forcing fellow MPs to…
better to give
Woman Thinks “World Would Be A Far Better Place, If We Were All Just A Little Bit Nicer To Each Other”
As Francis 'Elder Lemon' Lenihan rolled a three skiner tonight, fellow warehouse employee Stephen Higgins was enjoying himself, listing old fashioned 'virtue signalling' slogans he'd…
Big in Japan
A TG4 Newsreader Is Not A Celebrity
A survey has found that on–air staff at Irish language station TG4, have the same public recognition factor as country & western singers and minor…
bile
Foster Says Existence Of Logic Came As ‘Big Shock’ To DUP
Speaking to reporters last night, party leader Arlene Foster accused Dublin of withholding details of 'a way of thinking that is totally alien to unionists'.…
bitter end
“But I’m Churchill,” Wails Boris, “Not Zelenskiy”
Boris Johnson is said to be deeply depressed that Volodomir Zelenskiy is being seen as the modern embodiment of Britain’s wartime leader. In his video…
blowing bubbles
Ireland ‘One Of World’s Five Best Places’ To Survive Next Collapse Of Irish Society
Ireland is one of the five places best to survive the next collapse of Irish society, according to new research that found the UK would…
blue skies
Still No Sign Of German Car Industry ‘Forcing The Bundestag To Capitulate’ Over Brexit
While all three of the UK's 'Brexit economists' agree the German car industry's behaviour is inexplicable, they remain confident it will "force Germany to surrender…
boo
Student Who Made Mockingbird Pie ‘In Honour of Harper Lee’, Admits He Never Read The Book
A young man who recently made a mockingbird pie in honour of Harper Lee – the Pulitzer prize winning author of To Kill a Mockingbird – has admitted he…
boo-hoo
Donald Tantrum Strikes Again!
The president lashed out at the 'fake news media' today for not giving him credit for "keeping Americans safe". "I broke the news that the…
boo, hiss
Bojo’s ‘Hitler Olympics’ Claim, Prompted By Fear Of Rees-Mogg’s ‘Dickensian Landlord’ Appeal
The actor Boris Johnson is now said to believe Rees-Mogg's 'hiss at the poor' image, has greater appeal for the Tory heartlands, than his own…
bookish
There Is No Such Thing As Luminous Prose, Man Screams At The Irish Times
"There is not now and never has been," a man screamed at the Irish Times last weekend, "any such thing as 'luminous' prose!" "Nor ever,"…
borderline
The Ballad Of Brave Sir Jeffrey
Sir Jeffrey du Lagan has announced that he is to lead a quest to find the middle ground of northern Ireland's politics. Once he has…
born to be mild
New Motorcycle Owner Wants Unbelievable Freedom Of Riding In Single File
Recently retired chartered accountant Ken Weller realised a life long dream this week when he took possession of the pre-owned Harley-Davidson motorcycle that was to…
born to gurn
Why Laboratory Assistants Are Social Lepers
It's a question as old as mankind: Why are laboratory assistants social lepers? Aristotle thought it was due to the noxious vapours they inhaled trying…
breaking bad
Finglas Raid – Day Five And The Monkey Still Isn’t Talking
We'll bring you more details as the Finglas 'Monkey Mastermind' story develops. Gardai confident he'll sing like a bird... See also: https://catmelodeonnews.com/war-on-thrugs-to-continue/
brexcitable
We Used To Have An Empire Says Englishman Whose Car Won’t Start
Martin 'You lost, get over it' Fisher 'grinaced' at the next door neighbours, as he failed once again to coax his car engine to life.…
brextraordinary
Brexit Secretary Fought The Facts And The Facts Won
Dominic Raab has admitted that until recently he was unaware Britain is an island. It had been assumed every member of the animal kingdom, never…
britney
Unionist Outraged At Being Reminded NI Not British
Queer-sneer peer Ken Maginnis was apoplectic today after being interrupted railing against calls for an 'all Ireland' virus strategy. The Kilclooney looney was sharply reminded…
brothelgate
World In Shock After Unionist Cracks Passable Joke
World leaders were rocked this week by two astonishing developments in Northern Ireland that neither unionists nor nationalists saw coming. In the first it was…
bubbles
Number Of Houses Not Being Built Needs To Double
Irish landlords have called on the government to "think big this year" and miss a far bigger annual housing target than the ones that have…
bummer
Man Not Sure What He Ever Did To Montezuma
"All I'm saying is," Terry Mitchell moaned, "I sure would like to know what I ever did to Montezuma." At the other end of the…
candle in the wind
Ireland Says Thanks For Putting Us Back In Lockdown, Conspiracy Dicks
Ireland is being urged to Light A Candle For All The Dicks That Put Us Back In Lockdown. The initiative is to honour "all those…
car crash
Truth Is The First Casualty Of Boris Johnson
In war, every bit as much as in peace it transpires, the first casualty of Boris Johnson, is truth. But with his suggestion that the…
cardiology codology
Fianna Fail Paralysed By McShirty Row
Fianna Fail has entered a second day of trying to say nothing about the Marc McShirty row. Last night, having fought with everyone he could,…
cease fire
President’s Wife Says She Wasn’t Elected To Be Silent
President Higgins' wife reignited controversy today by pointing out that Ireland had not elected her twice, to be ‘silent’. Sabina Coyne-Higgins said she was a…
cheaters never prosper
Man Who Slept With ‘No More Than 30 Women,’ Hugely Expands His Contacts List
Lib Dem lothario and former party leader Nick Clegg, says he now has the contact details of all the former lovers who've unfriended him over…
cherchez la femme
Giuliani Calls Narnia For Trump
Former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani has called Narnia for Donald Trump, claiming it takes him "over the line". Responding to press questions outside a…
chez sunak
Unelected Millionaire To Tell Poor They’re Not Doing Poverty Right
After more than a decade of Tory austerity, Britain's unelected millionaire PM is to speak directly to Britain's poor, as part of a bold new…
ching ching
Parish History Omits Time Fr Mike Blew The Bingo Fund At The Galway Races
Over coffee, parish secretary Mary Duddy yesterday conceded her long-awaited 'Brief History Of The Parish' was "not a comprehensive record" of events. The pro-life daily…
chosen then frozen
Donaldson Hoots As Poots Scoots
The daily melee that comprises party manoeuvres by the 'weekend soldiers' of the DUP, continues to hypnotise the world in a Stockholm syndrome type situation.…
circle of cliches
Actress Whose Mother Is Her Best Friend, Tells All
Galway actress India Ó Ceallachain has revealed she recently tore up the rulebook for the hard hitting interview she granted to Western Woman Magazine, in the…
civic spirit
Mayor’s Job “One Step Up From Being Town’s Most Colourful Drunk”
In a rare moment of candour, brought on by the city's coronavirus race-week arrangements, the mayor of Galway was blunt about the importance of his…
clapforthenhs
Ready4Rishi To Restore Trust In Politics By Smashing The Nurses Strike?
Ready4Rishi to crush the evil nurses who now dare bite the hands that clapped their noble sacrifices during Covid? That was the simple question the…
Clare Continuity
‘Lad With A Biro In Dublin’ Must Be Dealt With
Clare Continuity - a shadowy group of hardcore Célidhe music fans and 'pro choice' campaigners - warn they will bring the county to a standstill…
class
Lifelong Marxist Struggling To Cope With Mainstream Approval
Asked to comment on the endorsement of Karl Marx by The New York Times and The Economist, Barry Ellis admitted he was 'still struggling to absorb…
classic hits
“You Won’t Feel It Now Till The Races,” Galway Old Timer Says
Breaking a silence of approximately 3.5 days, pensioner Tony Connolly relieved himself of a classic Galway cliché, to the annoyance of ‘early drinker’ Thomas Joseph…
climactic
Senator Noone To Raise Awareness That “You Can’t Say Anything”
Senator Noone has announced she will compile 'a list of things you can't say anymore' to help women in politics fight sexism. Ms Noone recently…
clue: he's not behind you
Where’s Wally Publishers To Produce A Where’s Boris Edition
Martin Handford, creator of the "Where's Wally?" cartoons, has come out of retirement to create a special edition of his missing cartoon figure, called “Where’s…
confession
-
Priest With A Twinkle In His Eye, Refuses To Say How He’s Going To Vote
Enniskerry housewife Kate O'Meara today confirmed that popular parish priest 'Father Mike' O'Connell, who won't say how he intends to vote in the upcoming referendum,…
congratulations
Woman Stirs Tea ‘Like A Lioness’
A Galway woman who has her own Hotmail account, was this afternoon congratulated for stirring her tea "like a lioness, protecting her cubs?" Trainee life…
Consulting editor Conrad Black
Harvey Weinstein To Write Trump Biography
Donald Trump will pardon Harvey Weinstein, Conrad Black has predicted, "but only if he thinks it will annoy his political opponents enough". Black, the former…
contenders
Candidates Flee Higgeldy Piggledy, From Aras Race With President Miggeldy
Polling on the public's indifference to the tide of B-listers 'whose only wish is to serve,' has prompted a wave of defections from this noble…
Coping with coronavirus
My Nine Year Old Son Is Depressed In His Bedroom. Should I Let Him Out?
Question: The extended lockdown is really affecting my nine-year-old son, who is an only child. He desperately misses his friends, not to mention sports and…
cor blimey?
Senator Wants Child Tax Credits Tied To Adorable Street Urchins Who Can Sing And Dance
Joe Manchin said Tuesday that he now wants Biden's revamped monthly child tax credit restricted to insanely cheerful, adorable street urchins who really know how…
cor!
Man Relieved He Has ‘Boner Fider’ Boner
Having discretely consulted the programme for his 14 year old daughter's swimming gala, 43 year old Dara Humphreys was quietly relieved to learn the blonde,…
core values
DeSantis Only Half The Bastard Our Guy Is, Trump Campaign Warns
Donald Trump’s campaign today issued a stark warning about Ron DeSantis. “This guy is only a ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ character whereas our guy is a…
covfefe
New Trumpadvisor Site To Rate President’s Lunacies
Expedia, owner of the Tripadvisor site, have launched a new service, Trumpadvisor.com, to allow voters to compare and review President Trump's campaign statements. Expedia says…
covidiot proof
Vaccinated Woman Claims Zombies Just Run Past Her Now
Castlebar woman Della Kilroy today confirmed that she hasn't been attacked by screaming zombies once, since she got vaccinated. The 27 year old nurse said…
craggy island
The Arab Islands, The Cliffs Of Moherfucker And Milftown Malbay
“The Arab Islands, that’s what the bloody Aran Islands should be called,” a man who took his family on holiday to the West of Ireland,…
crazy world
We’ve Heard Enough From Experts, Truss Tells IMF
"Never mind the experts," Liz Truss told the IMF today, "because as a wise man once said, 'People in this country have had enough of…
crie de cur
Man’s Affair Is Having An Affair
In a significant blow to the concept of true love, a man discovered yesterday that the married woman he's been cheating on his wife with,…
Crikey, gosh
Brexit Britain ‘Free At Last’ To Frolic In Its Own Filth
The once and future King of Brexit Britain, Boris Stumblefoot, today called on the land to "say nay to the doomsters, gloomsters and party poopers…
- Nobody Warned Me I Was Breaking My Own Rules
Crimeline??
Anyone Pretending To Be A Garda Commissioner Reporting A Missing Phone, Will Be Fined
The Garda Press Office has warned that anyone 'pretending to be a Garda commissioner reporting a missing phone,' can and will be charged with 'making…
cruel and unusual
Annoying Exchange Student Clicks His Fingers To Every Song On The Radio
There was near universal agreement in Cedar Gardens this evening that there's something wrong with the Korean exchange kid staying with the Gillan family. The…
crusty love
Man Blows Noisily Into Tissue Then Demands A Doggy Bag For It
"Can I get that to go..." a diner asked his waiter, after he'd blown long and productively into a tissue, "I'll heat if up later?"…
cry for help
Poser’s Ethnic Hat Generating All The Attention He So Clearly Needs
NUIG student Brian Boran spent Sunday evening in Tigh Coili pub where the consensus among the regulars was that his Tibetan hat was generating as…
crystal ball metrics
The Minister For Lip Service To Broken Promises Will See You Now
The Minister For Best Practice at the Department of Doublespeak & Prevarication is to introduce a bill to make it legal to speak ill of…
cut to the chase
Driverless Police Car, Chases Driverless Car
Hollywood studio bosses have announced the death of the car chase movie, after a self-driving police car chased and caught a self-driving car that had…
cyberia
Martin Blames Housing Crisis On Cyber Attack
Micheál Martin has revealed that the cyber attack on the HSE, is also behind the housing crisis that has priced first time buyers out of…
cyberk
Pentagon Says It Would Be Victim-Shaming To Blame Them For Giving Kid Access To Worldwide Intelligence System
The Pentagon says it would be 'blaming the victim' to explain why it gave a low level 21-year-old employee, full access to its Joint Worldwide…
D'uh!
Actress Who Stopped Shaving Her Legs, Secretly Delighted At ‘Death Threats’
As her friends screamed their approval over drinks at The Last Resort cocktail bar, 'actress, model & supermarket shelf stacker' Olivia Fadwell continued to give…
Dark arts
Slithery Hoors Outraged By Equally Slithery Hoors
'Ah now,' a slithery FF Hoor said in Leinster House this week, as he tried to stifle a chuckle. 'One has to ask where the…
dawn patrol
Head Of Tidy Towns Committee Also Dedicated Fascist
"It will take dedication and and it will take constant vigilance," Jim Moir, told the inaugural meeting of the Birr Tidy Towns committee last night,…
daydream believer
Royal Fantasising About Bloodbath That Would Make Him King
The 2nd Earl of Snowden, 24th in the line of succession, spent yesterday fantasising about the precise circumstances necessary to propel him to the British…
days like this
Wife Says All Husband Does Is ‘Make Carbon Dioxide’
'Architect’s wife and mother of two' Iseult O’Malley made the claim to a telephone pollster while keeping an eye on the 23 year old Brazilian…
Dear Jesus!
Woman Who Was ‘Proud To Be Unmasked, Unmuzzled And Unvaccinated’, Muzzled For Ever Now
Mother of four Kristen Lowery, who proudly boasted she was 'Unmasked, unmuzzled, unvaccinated and unafraid', has died after catching Covid-19 which it turns out she…
Depp sang "He'll have to go"
Shane MacGowan’s Wedding Diaper: First Photos
Former Pogues frontman Shane McGowan shared the first pictures of his wedding diaper on social media this evening. Two days earlier, VIP Magazine published 'exclusive…
depravity
Dawkins: I Refuse To Believe In A God That Would Allow Crystal Swing To Exist
"Any God that could countenance the depravity of Crystal Swing's existence, would be utterly devoid of all mercy," evolutionary biologist and best selling author, Dr.…
difficult woman?
Truthteller Gonna Let One Slide
Keyboard warrior and self-styled 'woman who asks the hard questions' Caitlin Hickey whose real first name is Mary, decided earlier today to let one slide.…
disbelief
-
Rabid Fianna Fáiler Convinced He ‘Wouldn’t Be Your Typical Fianna Fáiler Now’
The staff and clientele of The Ramble Inn were stunned into silence last night by an unlikely after-hours claim, made by a dyed-in-the-wool Fianna Fáiler,…
dog ate my homework
Ombudsman Alarmed By Sharp Decline In Quality Of Police Lies
GSOC, the police ombudsman, said it was appalled at the 'unbelievably poor quality' of recent police lies which fell far short of the high standards…
dolly ditches trolley
Endless Glamour Of Airline Travel Finally Getting To Ryanair Cabin Crew
Ryanair attendant Mary Costello is ready to swap the glamour of international airline travel, for better working conditions as a registration agent at a refugee…
domo arigato
Eamon ‘I, Robot’ Ryan
Green Party leader Eamon Ryan is routinely referred to as "i, robot" in a new WhatsApp group set up by party activists, according to The…
don't you remember
We Built This City On Rock’n’roll Defence Ruled Inadmissible In Court
A court has ruled unfounded allegations about the structural integrity of the city of San Francisco, offer no defence against liability for the collapse of…
Doonbollix
Trump Wins Doonbeg International Haircare Award
The inaugural Doonbeg International Haircare Award has been won by Donald Trump, the manager of the Doonbeg Hotel announced today. Joe Russel was speaking to…
Doonbunkum
Trump Supporter Has Had It With Those JackBooted Thugs From The Vincent De Paul
Doonbeg based Trump supporter PJ Chambers today announced he has "finally had enough" and is now going to "take the fight to the Vinny!" Chambers,…
Doublespeak
Santos CV Shortlisted For The Orwell Political Fiction Prize
Congressman George Santos said today on learning that his CV has made the shortlist for the prestigious Orwell Prize for Political Fiction, that "it was…
Dread softly
Man Thinking Of Buying Expensive Notebook In Case It Ever Turns Out He’s A Writer
As John Blake examined a handsome journal's thick yellow sheets in a gift shop in Amsterdam, he racked his brains for something to write in…
drongo drongo land
Not A Good Idea To Light A Campfire To Pray For Rain, Australians Told.
Religious leaders in Australia have asked 'churchgoers' not to light fires after dark, if they're gathering to pray for rain. "In the name of Jesus,"…
dude perfect
The Guy Did Something Like That In The Bible Once?
I think they were at a party and they ran out? But when the delivery arrived, everyone's cards were maxed out or something and the…
duke of pork
Awky Momo For Royal Yoyo
A palace spokesman was tonight forced to deny rumours that the royal protection squad had changed Prince Andrew's codename to 'Tainted Love', after the Queen…
Dukkha
Coronavirus Moved By Support Received In Fight Against You-Know-Who
New polls reveal an overwhelming majority are praying its most high profile victim to date will survive the virus, so that he can suffer from…
dumb and dumber
People “Way Too Smart To Believe The BBC”, Way Too Stupid To Find It
In a development that took few this side of sanity by surprise yesterday, the people who are "too clever to believe the British Brainwashing Corporation,"…
dumb de dumb
Coffin Ships Were Early Examples Of ‘Shared Living’
Housing Minister Eoghan Murphy says 'shared living' is an old Irish tradition which began during the famine, one that was part of the Irish landscape.…
dump meister
Man On High Fibre Diet, ‘Really Laying Cable’
Returning to his work station this afternoon, after 'laying some cable,' real estate agent Dermot Aherne chuckled ruefully as he sat back down,. The laughter…
easy mistake
Minister Has Nothing Left To Hide Because The Media Have Seen To That
Minister Robert Troy addressed the media this evening with a statement designed to clear the foul air emanating from his property portfolio. “I have absolutely…
eco-blather
Camping In Rain In Forest Not ‘Rainforest Holiday’ Woman Was Promised
Although Shauna 'Shocks' O'Shaughnessy would not divulge precise details of the deal, she said when she met boyfriend Danny 'Budgie' Browne three months ago, "promises…
ecumenical matters
RTE’s Perfect ‘Lovely Bottoms’ Moment
Ireland's comedy stars have hailed The Late, Late Show's decision to invite two catholic priests to discuss the role of women in the church and…
ed
Roger Would Be So Disappointed – Elizabeth Ailes
Elizabeth Ailes, widow of the former CEO of Fox News Roger Ailes, has spoken candidly about the shock dismissal of news anchor Ed Henry whom…
empowering women to enrich him
Playboy Mansion Haunted By Ghost Of Heffner’s Last Erection
A 'former companion' of Hugh 'Hef' Heffner who is also a self-proclaimed 'ghost hunter,' has told The Morning Show that the Playboy Mansion is haunted…
end of an era
It’s All Over For Big Jack Who’s Headed Home After Final Whistle Blown On Game Of Two Halves That Went Into Extra Time It Is Now
It was the end of an era for a larger than life, iconic figure of legend the clichés could never do justice to, patrons of…
epidemic
Ireland In Grip Of Democracy Virus
Micheal Martin has become the latest victim of the democracy virus which the World Health Organisation has confirmed, is sweeping Ireland. "I've always respected democracy,"…
eternal anxiety of being
Spike In Panic Attacks, Following €65m Cannabis Seizure
As news broke of the largest seizure of 'herbal cannabis' in the history of the state, the question 'What is the difference between an anxiety…
étrange
Johnson Accused Of Behaving Like A Frenchman
A Tory backbencher today accused Boris Johnson of 'behaving like a Frenchman' because of the number of meetings he has failed to attend. Tobias Somerset…
eunuch burke?
Nobody Knows More About Contempt Than I Do, Enoch Burke Tells Court
Mayo's bible bashing, ‘young fogey’ Enoch Burke told Justice Conor Dignam today that he knows more about contempt of court than anyone and therefore –…
EUrgent
EU Country Says If EU Was Planning To Blockade Part Of It Then EU Country Would Probably Know About It
"For the love a jayzis," Ireland shrieked at Great Brexitland and the Daily Torygraph this morning, "if there was a plot to blockade the northern…
everybody panic
Where Are Your Children, Don’t You Know The Sally Gap Is Closed?
RTE has urged Ireland to remain calm in the face of the news that a crossroads in the Wicklow mountains, 503 metres above sea level,…
everybody scream
Blueshirt Barrister Besieged By Ivana Batshit
Two kids who came up hard from the streets of D4, continue to slug it out for the right to become the people's servant but…
everyone's gone to the moon
No Hurry With Moon Rocks, World Tells China
The UN today told Beijing there's '"absolutely no rush" with its plans to bring back the first consignment of moon rocks since the 1970s. UN…
excetera
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It’s ‘Specific’ Not ‘Pacific’, Woman Tells Brexiteer
“I don’t need anyone ta interprayette my words,” self-proclaimed 'Brexiteer' Tony Corbett snapped at Olivia Cleary, last night in Galway City’s Ramble Inn. “How I…
Exclusive!!
Residents’ Association Watching You, Asshole!
The Westbrook Residents’ Association - whose motto is "We're watching you, asshole!" - has issued a press release declaring its annual clean-up 'another great success’.…
Extremists
Palestinian Extremists Stooping To Non Violence
Israeli troops have operated in full accordance with the rules of engagement for using live ammunition against unarmed demonstrators, the country's UN envoy said yesterday. Danny…
eyes wide shut
Conspiracy Theorist Just Wants To Know Why 88 Year Old Man Died
"Doesn't it seem at all odd to you, the way Donald Rumsfeld suddenly died, totally out of the blue, like that?" 28 year old conspiracy…
Faith and Fortitude
Serpents Of God Disclose Assets of €57m As Abuse Claims Increase
The Spiritan order which has been called the 'serpents of God' in the wake of a sexual abuse scandal, has revealed congressional assets worth more…
fame game
The Freddie Starr I knew Was A Monster
"The Freddie Starr I knew was a monster, as well as a genius," says the hamster behind the tabloid headline that made the comic a…
family man
I Like To Think Of Us As One Big, Happy Family, Says CEO Who’s About To Fire Everyone.
Speaking from his Napa Valley vineyard home, Cyrus Massevala made a short but emotional speech via conference screen to the 800 telesales employees of VerdenForce,…
fannying about
Buy A ‘Vagina Candle,’ Woman Tells Ex, Because That’s As Near As You’ll Get
Screams of laughter greeted Kate Skehan's account of her broken engagement to 'the third most eligible bachelor in Mayo dentistry,' Ambrose Kelleher. The Westport solicitor…
fapulous
QAnon Renames Itself QOnan After Poll Of Members Favourite Activity
A new poll of QAnon members' hobbies, has found that a substantial majority of the Area 51 types, 'premillennial dispensationalists' and 'insurrectionists' who make up…
fauxy
Ritual Of Bridesmaid Claiming She’s Breaking With Tradition By Making A Speech, Already Underway
Veteran wedding guest 34 year old Stephen Ward texted friends this afternoon, to say the ancient Irish cliche of the 'feisty bridesmaid's speech' had just…
Fear or loathing?
Gardai Say It Was ‘Only Fair’ To Shoot Man Without Gun, With Guns They Were Given To Shoot At People With Guns
The Garda Press Office has refused to say whether a 'small army of gardai' have been traumatised by the sight of a man without a…
festive season
Homeless Man Enjoying Christmas, Unaware He’s Hallucinating
Volunteers trying to manage a homeless man's hallucination, had no idea he was duetting with Imelda May on It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year.…
fight them on the screenplays
Hollywood To Remake Dunkirk As American Success
Director Jonathon Mostow has announced plans for a new movie about Dunkirk which will depict American vessels evacuating British troops under the noses of German…
final countdown
Wedding Planner Referring To Guests As ‘Civilians’ Now
"Civilians can't handle the truth sweetie," increasingly tense wedding planner Sigourney O'Malley snapped at bride-to-be, Jacintha 'Jax' McDonagh last night, during a candid exchange. "In…
first flush
New Doctor First Black Man To See Irish Woman’s Tits
After attending a doctor's appointment this afternoon, Angela Mullarkey met Trish Comerford in a Galway city centre cafe, for a catch up. Thirty eight year…
flake news
Nobody Knows What Colour The Sky Is, On Marjorie Taylor Greene’s World
Scientists are scrambling to gather data on the baffling new planet the rightwing extremist lives on, after Greene's private beliefs began to reach a wider…
flashback
Don’t Make Same Mistakes I Made, Says Alcoholic Who Can’t Recall The Mistakes He Made
"I may have been a borrower or a lender or something like that," Fintan 'Finto' Maguire said, "but all I'm saying is, don't make the…
flatus
Alito Teaches Rednecks Meaning Of “Egregiously” By Using Egregiously Wrong Example
Justice Samuel Alito – an increasingly difficult phrase to say with a straight face – has confused rednecks across the midwest by using the word…
fly away
Ryanair Recognises Pilots, Still Won’t Recognise Passengers
"The day passengers organise along union lines," a spokesman for the airline said, "is the day we'll stop screaming at them about scratch cards and…
focus
Viable Device Found By Husband Who’s Not
The 'leafy suburb' of Knocknacarra on the outskirts of Galway city, was the scene of explosive revelations last week, after the discovery of 'a viable…
food for thought
Big Oil Wants You To Know It’s Hurting Too
Shell CEO Ben Von Burden warned privately last night of 'strange and unimaginable consequences,' if congress does not immediately bailout the oil industry. "Shell alone…
food of love
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Man Whose Wife Told Him ‘You’re Not Getting Pulled Chicken’, Wants To Know If They’re Still Talking About Food
"The ultimate test of a relationship," architect Dave O'Malley read aloud to his wife today, "is whether or not it can survive lockdown?" In reply,…
Footsie
Dinner Invite Said Nothing About Taking Your Shoes Off
Early drinker & Ramble Inn regular Thomas J. Guiney solemnly stared at owner & proprietor Eamon Halligan last night, as he tapped the counter to…
for one night only
Man Silently Praying His Wife Won’t Start Speaking ‘On Behalf Of All Women’
After Mia Delaney's fourth glass of Baileys Irish Cream Liqueur (17% alc/vol), husband Matt closed his eyes and willed her not to claim to know…
freefall
No Matter How Much Weight Susan Boyle Loses, She’s Never Going To “Look Like A Model”
While acknowledging the superficiality behind the idea of a uniform concept of beauty in the first place, hairdresser Nuala Ni Dhomhnail added "Susan Boyle may…
from the bad times to the good
Post Trump Stress Disorder Sweeps America
America is showing worrying signs of deep PTSD in the wake of the news that Joe Biden won the 2020 election. The demob-happy symptoms seen…
ftw!
Dominic Cummings Penis Transplant
No 10 has confirmed Dominic Cummings has been grafted onto Jacob Rees-Mogg who recently lost his penis as a result of an 'asphyxiation incident' in…
full disclosure
What The BBC Doesn’t Want You To Know About The Virus
An Art student whose best friend's father is part of the 'deep state', last night revealed the BBC "knows" undercover British army units are executing…
gahd bless 'em
Trump Support Among Married First Cousins In Freefall
President Trump's ratings continue to fall with the news that he has lost the support of two thirds of the influential married first cousins demographic.…
Gee & T
Woman Would Definitely Ride ‘The Hot Priest’
Timid Credit Union employee Mary 'Mouse' Morton last night swore to friends that if necessary, she'd 'make the beast with that priest' on the altar…
gimme a break
Is The Syrian GP Who Makes Your Oat Milk Latte Still Crying About His Drowned Children?
Anti-immigration group Identity Ireland is asking people to think very carefully about who's making their oat milk latte and whether they're still 'crying' about the loss…
glasshouses
As We Ponder The Palestinian Death Toll, We Should Not Forget Stones Were Thrown At An Israeli Car
Israel tonight warned viewers around the world not to be swayed by 'clever arguments' highlighting the country's typically disproportionate response to what security services call…
Glaugh out gloud
All Aboard The Glug, Glug, Gluas!
"Anyone who thinks Galway's ever going to get it's own Luas, is seeing things in the bottom of their glass," the proprietor of The Ramble Inn…
Glorianna
Truss Tells Families Hit By Energy Crisis To Wrap Themselves In The Flag To Keep Warm
Liz Truss today said families feeling the cold, should "do what I always do and wrap yourself in the flag". She added that, "it even…
glorious food
Hungry Pupils Will Be Taught To Sing Their Troubles Away
Jeremy Hunt has announced hungry children who don't qualify for free school meals, will be taught to sing "Food, Glorious Food" from the musical Oliver…
glory days
Roscommon Gardai Close To Solving 4FM’s CLASSIC SONG INVESTIGATION
During a recent crime wave, Duty Sergeant Mick Buggy revealed he was quietly confident the station had solved 4FM's popular quiz, the 'Classic Song Investigation'.…
Go placidly
Taxi Driver’s Fridge Magnet Wisdom Only Good For Five Minutes
"The secret to getting ahead," taxi driver Dan Hession chuckled to passenger Barry Colgan, "is getting started". Colgan nodded offhandedly, as he buckled his seat…
gobstopper
Behind My Back, My Mouth Was Working For The Prosecution
An anonymous group of Daily Mail readers, known only as "the friends of Katie Hopkins", say they're worried about her mental health, after she lost…
god help us!
Met Éireann Denies El Niño Began In Mayo
Met Éireann, the Irish national meteorological service, has been forced to deny the persistent online rumour that the torrential rain patterns that typify the El…
golden years
British Democracy Safe Johnson Says Because “I Never Let A Woman Urinate On Me Like Trump Did”
Boris Johnson has insisted 'British democracy is not for sale" and that only somebody like 'Jeremy bloody Corbyn' would claim it's already been sold to…
Golly!
Truss Says If Elected She Will Protect The Queen From The Church Of England
In the bidding war to win the Tory leadership contest, front-runner Liz Truss has expanded the list of imaginary threats she will protect Britain from.…
good grief
Johnson Forgives Sue Gray
Serial adulterer, habitual liar & Brexit fantasist Boris Johnson is to pardon 'that bloody woman' Sue Gray for refusing to dilute her findings into "the…
gotcha!
Mary Lou’s Eyebrow Flickers Briefly, In Move Not Sanctioned By IRA Council
Mary Lou’s left eyebrow flickered briefly today in Leinster House, in a move that caused Tánaiste Micheál Martin to suddenly scream "I have you now!" “Who…
gowl
Normally Willie O’Dea Would Defend FF Against Something Like A Failure To Appoint Willie O’Dea But He Can’t…Because He Is Willie O’Dea
The shortest honeymoon in political history came to a shuddering halt this week, almost before it began, when Fianna Fáil's Willie O'Dea, took to the…
gowns & garters
Britain Leads World At Pageantry Because The World Couldn’t Give A Toss About Pageantry
British police have arrested a homeless man for telling a reporter "Britain only leads the world at pageantry because no other country gives a toss…
great expectations
Man Admits That When He Said There Was Good News And Bad News, There Was Only Bad News
In a scenario that wife Elaine claimed had now become standard, newly wed Brian Feeney was forced to answer a humiliating series of yes-or-no questions…
green light?
Spite Is A Renewable Energy
Irish scientists have made a major scientific breakthrough with the discovery that spite is a renewable energy. Professor Eamonn De Bhaldraithe says Ireland could now…
greenwash
Actions Of Three Americans Create Enough Carbon Emissions To Kill One Person, Study Finds, But It’s Never Donald Trump
The actions of three average Americans will create enough planet-heating emissions to kill one person, a new study has found. The analysis draws upon several public…
gridlock
If America’s At A Crossroads Again Who Has The Goddamn Map
US voters are wondering who has the goddamn map, if America's at a crossroads every time there's an election. Meanwhile arguments have broken out about…
gsoh
Melania: ‘I Was Just An Innocent Gold Digger Looking For An Average White Millionaire’
"All I wanted was an elderly white millionaire in poor physical health, some Manhattan real estate and a jewellery line to call my own?" In…
Ha Ha Ha
“Balcony Bingo? Sure It Writes Itself!” Cackles Roddy Doyle
"Jimmy Rabbitte", Roddy Doyle muttered to himself, as he sat up straight, "that's pure Jimmy Rabitte!" Doyle turned the radio up and made notes, as…
hard nosed
People With Bigger Noses Demand A Bigger Mask
Magnum Nesum, the organisation which advocates for those with a larger than average proboscis, staged a mask 'protest' outside Leinster House today. The group are…
Hard talk
Man Usually Gets His Wife’s Way In The End
"He does," Declan Hegarty's wife Catriona snickered into her third glass of Cava, "Father's Day me arse!" Privately, Declan later whispered, that while that he…
Hate Mail
Daily Mail Strongly Supports Rant By Daily Mail
The Daily Mail came out strongly today in support of a rant by the Daily Mail, in which it attacked "smirking Starmer and his sneering…
He loves words too
Man Who ‘Loves Books,’ Going To Wait Until The Movie Comes Out
"Yes I did say nothing can transport us to wonderful, exciting new places, like reading a book," Stephen Ward explained last night to girlfriend Susan…
He's bald and his name is Archie
Baby’s First Proper Dump A Right Royal Success Ma’am!
In an ancient, time-honoured royal ritual, Prince Harry bagged up his son's first, still-hot dump and abruptly chucked it at the queen, yelling 'Catch!' Her…
head in the sand
The Tide Comes In Twice A Day, So A Line In The Sand Only Lasts Twelve Hours
Tory party managers have advised “all MPs” to avoid drawing lines in the sand because sand has a disturbing tendency to shift. (Hence the ancient…
Health
The Gear I Brought Back From ‘The Dam’ In My Ass
“Don't think too hard about how much you can cram up your ass, is my advice," Brian ‘Bong’ O'Halloran cautioned last night. "In fact, don't…
- Mary Lou Gives Martin A ‘Sick Burn’
- Google Says You Have Cancer
- Indian Waiter Faints After Customer Orders Dessert
- Medical Card Will No Longer Cover ‘Pain Of The Blues’
heaven can wait
Man Disappointed Calendar Of Angels Not The Victoria’s Secret Kind
"I'm guessing Heaven wouldn't miss any of these angels if they went missing," Tiernan Feeney observed, as he flicked through the calendar his wife had…
Hello Dolly
Healy-Raes Launch ‘No Drink Left Behind’ Initiative
"Pwaat I'm thrrryin' ta tell tha minishthur if ohnee he'd lishen," Kerry TD Michael Healy-Rae said last night, "is that he will be reemimburred for…
Hennessy
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Corporate Ireland The Original “Dead Poet’s Society”
Prior to being gently removed from The Ramble Inn, poet Richard Sheridan issued yet another blistering, 'final manifesto statement' against Ireland's 'Dead Poet's Society'. The…
here's one i made earlier
Institute Of Axe Grinders Warns Against Bringing The Profession Into Disrepute
The Institute Of Axe Grinders has intervened in the presidential election to rebuke businessman Peter Casey for claiming he 'has no axe to grind'. A…
Here's to distance!
Johnson Says He Thought Party Was Work Because He Doesn’t Know What Work Looks Like
Boris 'Crikey' Johnson said today that "in hindsight" he's sorry now he never had a real job before he got into politics. "How was I…
Herr Johnson
Boris Killed Londoners Faster Than Hitler
"Crikey, that's a tough one", Boris 'Crikey' Johnson said yesterday when asked if it was true that enforcing the lockdown a week earlier would have…
high hopes
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Man Who’s ‘Not Getting Anything Off This New Weed’, Just Passed Out
"I'm still not getting anything," Stephen Higgins complained, as he continued pulling heavily on a bong filled with a special batch of new weed. "No?"…
his gonads are nomads
Paschal Donohoe ‘Still On’ Puberty Blockers He Was Prescribed As A Teen
Elfin finance Minister Paschal Donohoe has admitted to The Examiner he is 'still on' the puberty blockers he was prescribed as a teen. Donohoe's youthful…
Hocus Scotus
Trump: “I Win Anyway Because I Stuffed The Supreme Court!”
Donald Trump gloated last night that “it doesn’t matter that Mike Pence stole the election from me because I crushed the libs when I packed…
hogwash
Turmoil After Covid Rejects A Pig Like Trump But Accepts A Swine like Johnson
The race to find a vaccine for Covid has been thrown into complete turmoil, after the virus was found to be able to infect swine,…
hokey cokey govey
“Experts Will Be Asking Us To Believe We’re Descended From Monkeys Next” Warns Gove
Brexit's Michael Gove, today outlined some of the reasons why the British public are still suspicious of 'so-called experts'. "They tell us things like, 'You…
holy god
Church ‘No Place For Moralising’
Mass goers in Ballyconnell, Co Cavan last Sunday, were stunned when their parish priest tried to introduce morality into a sermon. Fr Oliver O'Reilly condemned…
honestly
I Too Was Sceptical When I First Heard About This Amazing New Product, Says Salesman Selling New Product
I like to think I'm as sceptical as the next guy because if life has taught me anything, it's that if a thing seems too…
Honesty
‘Mission Accomplished,’ Man Who Never Courted Popularity Told
Civil servant Ken Durcan sat back on the Dart to Greystones and began to read the cards he'd earlier received from colleagues, during a special…
honesty is such a simple word
Ireland In Danger Of Missing Out On Another World War
Fine Gael MEP Brian Hayes issued a stark warning to supporters of Irish neutrality today when he reminded them that "if Ireland can't be bombed…
Horribilus!
Man Recalls Time The Queen Said Something
A man today recalled the time he heard the Queen say something although he couldn't be quite sure what she said or where he was…
horse and carriage
Man Whose Wife Is His Best Friend, “Definitely Having An Affair”
'Architect’s wife and mother of two' Iseult O’Malley, (who is also a sister, a daughter and a niece), raised her eyes at next door neighbour…
horsh
Gov Urges Public To Enjoy Orgy Of Drinking & Gambling, Responsibly
A government spokesman whose salary is paid for by the drinks industry, has urged the public to remember that "alcohol doesn't just make you irresistible…
Howdy
Texan Who Takes His Mobile Everywhere, Refuses To Be “Tracked By The Vaccine”
Texan roofing contractor Don Jordan pointed his mobile at a Covid-19 vaccine poster this morning and shouted "Hell if imma let Joe Biden track me…
Howl at the moon
DUP Sectioned After Warning Of Dangers Of Intransigence
In a bizarre development, the entire Democratic Unionist Party (DUP) has been sectioned after warning the EU and Dublin governments against 'intransigence' in the Brexit…
hoy noy
Tory Hunger Games Move To Northern Ireland
Liz 'Katniss' Truss and Rishi 'Peeta' Sunak arrived in Northern Ireland yesterday, determined to minimise the embarrassment of having their ignorance revealed about what is…
- Grateful World Thanks DUP For Its Silence
huzza!
55 Year Old Actor Who Still Dyes His Hair Blonde Elected PM
The actor Boris 'Crikey' Johnson says he's delighted he no longer has to ruffle his hair before every public appearance. "Frankly," the new PM told…
- Never Mind About Syria’s Butchered Children, The Sun Has Rescued A Donkey
Huzzah!
Britain Leads World’s Slowest Crackdown On Oligarchs
Russian dirty money is said to be hurting very badly tonight at the news that Boris Johnson still hopes to "someday" carry out his long…
I believe I can fly
Man Who Fled Trial, Willing To Give Jury Benefit Of The Doubt
"You can't live your life second guessing a jury," Headford man Fursey Danaher explained this week, in a thoughtful and sensitive note to the jury…
I can't drive when I am merry
I Am Lord Ross Of Enniskerry
I am Lord Ross of Enniskerry I'm partial to a glass of sherry Only one ( or things get blurry ) I can't drive when…
i don't want any fuss
Don’t Go Getting Me Anything Expensive For Mother’s Day, Irish Woman Insists
"Listen to me now," Breda Cranny announced severely over Sunday lunch, exactly one week from Mother's Day, "I have an announcement to make?" "I don't…
I say!
Woman Watching The Crown Wants Her Tea Served Just Like That
As she was handed her nine o'clock cuppa last night, Irene Collins paused The Crown, pointed at the screen and said, "In future, I want…
I was fast!
I’d Forgotten What A Whore I Was, Says Woman Reunited With Purse She Lost 65 Years Ago
In 1954, Marty Ingham Everett’s black purse containing her checkbook, lipstick, school dance photos and letters from three boys — including a junior prom invite…
I worry?
Democrats Too Busy Worrying If They’re Being Unfair To Somebody, To Get Their Act Together
Democrats across America today continue to play the liberal's favourite parlour game: But Are We Being Unfair To Somebody, Somewhere? Senators are meeting in private…
icy dead people
Man Who Sees Dead People Everywhere Reminded He Works In A Morgue
Part time morgue attendant Martin Sweeney stared blankly at himself in the mirror behind the bar of The Ramble Inn this afternoon, having been woken…
Il Duce
McShirty Seen Screaming Into Liffey
The newly formed Friends of Marc McShirty – by their own admission, ‘a very small group indeed’ – are calling for an intervention after reports…
in the kingdom of the blind...
Man Just Following His Pecker Around
Rob Dalton confirmed today that he had absolutely no plans for the weekend and would probably just follow his pecker around as usual. Dalton said…
inch by inch
Man Blockading Refugee Hostel ‘Definitely Not A Racist’
“And I don’t know anyone here who is racist,” Anthony O’Brien said, gesturing at the motley crew of vigilantes parked on the access road to…
incroyable
Woman Beating Man At Something In Movie, As Unexpected As The Kid Who Has Cancer Being Elected Class President
"Wow," Dave O'Malley said dryly last night, "I certainly didn't expect that!" 'Architect's wife & mother of two' Iseult O'Malley, who is married to Dave,…
IndepenDENSE
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McSharry No Longer Speaking To Himself
A furious Marc McSharry said tonight he was no longer speaking to himself, after his most recent outburst. "I at least expected McSharry to give…
into every life...
Woman Was Under The Impression She Owned A Waterproof Jacket
As Angela Morton removed her water logged anorak, she realized that 'water resistant' does not mean waterproof. As she peeled off her 'rain trousers', she…
Is Facebook calling?
Eamon ‘Skullduggery’ Ryan FTW
The Green Party leader's latest PR disaster has led to him being dubbed Eamon 'Skulduggery' Ryan. Last year, in a WhatsApp group set up by…
is it?
Putin Joins Truth Social After Trump Reassures Him About The Truth Part
The Trump Organisation has announced that Vladimir Putin is to be a “global ambassador for Truth”, the former president’s failing social media network. A statement…
Is that even journalism?
Nobody Cares Where Journalist Bought First Album
A new poll has found that a mere 3% of the public care where newspaper journalists bought their first vinyl album. However, since the results…
is that orthodox
Say What You Like About Putin But At Least He’s A Christian Who Firmly Believes In The Death Penalty
Donald Trump praised Mr Putin for the fourth day running and blamed President Biden for "causing the invasion by siding with the Ukrainians". Trump said…
it doesn't pay
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Garda Who’s Never Been Asked To Appear On Crimecall, ‘Wouldn’t Go Near Those Donnybrook Queers Anyway’
"If a rank-and-file garda caught Jack the Ripper," Garda Tom Lohan claimed this evening, "he still wouldn't get on Crimecall." Lohan, known as 'moonboots' on…
it is rocket science
Flat-Earther Makes Earth A Little Flatter
Against all odds, another attempt to prove the earth is flat, has dramatically failed. Prior to launching his homemade steam-powered rocket, 'Mad' Mike Hughes told…
It isn't?
‘Guardian Reader’ Is Not An Occupation, Jobseeker Told
“Guardian reader is not an occupation,” Derry benefits officer Sharon Ferguson coldly informed jobseeker Fonsie Maguire today. “Au contraire,” he replied amicably, “it’s a full…
it's a bitch
Man Laughs Insanely As He Buys ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’ CD For ‘Bastard Brother-In-Law’
"If you fuck with Joe Tiernan," Joe Tiernan said, pointing at momentarily startled sales assistant Alan Ford, "then Joe Tiernan will fuck with you!" Customers…
It's a chance to grow!
What To Do When Your Ex Makes A 40-Under-40 List
The sharp empty pain that overtakes you when your ex makes a 40-under-40 list, is as nothing to the gnawing self-loathing you're left with, after…
it's a fact
83% Of Nurses Who Work In Empty Hospitals Don’t Believe In The Virus
Health officials are reeling from the news that a shocking 83% of 'nurses who work in empty hospitals', don't believe the virus exists. An emergency…
It's a knockout!
Wagatha: Winner To Meet Amber Heard In The Final
Rebekah Vardy, clear favourite against Colleen Rooney in the final of Britain's Got Crazy, has announced that if successful, she will take on Amber Heard…
It's Brinsanity!
People Complaining About Jobs Moving To Europe, Don’t Understand That’s Just How Brexit Works
An English businessman says employees who are unhappy because they lost their jobs when he moved his factory to Europe, "simply don't understand how Brexit…
It's de-Frost-ed!
Rees–Mogg: “I Didn’t Know What ‘Oven–Ready’ Brexit Meant Because Nanny Does All The Cooking”
Jacob Rees–Mogg said today that he thought ‘oven–ready' meant something that had just come out of the oven. "Which is presumably why the PM said…
It's Him!
Bishop Sick Of All This Turn The Other Cheek Crap
Bishop Dermot Clifford today hit out at "all the woke nonsense at the heart of the Catholic church, stuff that's destroying the Old Testament Christianity…
It's protocol
Her Majesty Will Be Offended If I Don’t Get A Window Seat, Donaldson Tells Stewardess
Boarding a flight at Belfast airport yesterday, Sir Jeffrey Donaldson frowned as he saw the only seat left was a middle one between the window…
Jailbird
Obama’s Pussy Riot Plea: “At least Free The Hot Chick?”
Donald Trump has declassified a controversial memo from the Barrack Obama administration revealing he pleaded with Vladimir Putin to release the group, jailed over an…
jaw jaw jaw
“Why I’ll Always Be A Straight Talker,” By The Actor Boris Johnson
"It's not for me to invite comparisons with Winston Churchill," a smirking Boris Johnson told a Brexit press conference today, "simply to remind you that…
jesus wept
Maskhole “Just Wants To Know What They’re Not Telling Us?”
"Why won't they just level with us? That's what I want to know," Yellow Vest maskhole Raymo Begley said today. "Maybe if the government did…
johnny foreigner's oily tricks
DUP Want UK To Withdraw From The Enlightenment
DUP attack dog Sammy Wilson MP has called on No 10 to withdraw the UK from The Enlightenment because its core values are being used…
joint pain
War On Thrugs To Continue
The "war on thrugs will continya," a Castlebar garda said last night, "as long as I have any say in it". The garda who did…
judge dread
The Law Is An Ass (hole)
Life sometimes throws up a situation so absurd, it’s beyond satire. The world briefly ‘corpses’ and then moves on. But not today. On this day,…
just 7
7 Things Zelenskiy And Putin Have In Common
Both love a good farce. Both have been filmed shirtless. Both have sky high public approval ratings. Both have filmed hilarious but unbelievable stories. Both…
just add water
Male Birth Control Pill 100% Effective For Men Who Aren’t Lying About Taking It
A new drug that temporarily paralyzes sperm for more than two hours, was found to be 100% effective in men who definitely aren't lying when…
just an ordinary hero
In His Own Mind, Council Worker Cleaning Up After Storm Playing Vital Role In Search & Rescue Operations
Reflecting on how little the public really knows about the role of a council worker in the aftermath of a major weather event, Pascal Deane…
just another wigger
Student Calls Every Black Guy He Meets ‘Man’
A socially awkward first Arts student has been referred to counselling for 'cultural sensitivity issues,' as part of a full blown identity crisis. Friends of…
Just for the hugs...
Woman Agrees To Life Of Premeditated Sex
Kerry Gleeson thrilled close friends and family earlier today when she finally said goodbye to the random propositioning of passing strangers that had led to…
just say maybe
Man Thinking Of Giving Up Alcohol For November Soon
Local man Tom Howard confirmed to his Polish taxi driver last night, that he was 'definitely' thinking of giving up alcohol for the month of…
justice for johnny
Amber Heard Found Guilty Of Witchcraft
The high court has ruled that a secretly taken surveillance photo ( shown above ) proves the actor Johnny Depp's wife, Amber Heard, miniaturized the…
karma?
Asian Couple Name Son “CEO Amir Patel” To Give Him ‘Headstart In Business’
No sooner had Indu & Ranjan Patel finished crying tears of joy over the arrival of their beautiful first born yesterday morning, than Ranjan's mother…
Keano
‘Awful’ Irishman Makes Mr. Bean Cry
Former Labour party leader Ed Miliband, aka Milibean, broke down recently after listening to an 'awful' Irishman. Roy Keane had just been explaining to him…
knackers
Where Do You Stand On The Whole Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Swollen Balls Debate?
A clearly surprised Dr Anthony Faucci was drawn into the Nicki Minaj swollen balls controversy last night when he was forced to make a statement…
langlee
Former FBI Agent Fully Expects To Be Called Out Of Retirement To Solve Some Baffling Crime
Retired FBI agent Daniel Hardy says he expects 'a call from'the Bureau any day now', to help a strong but 'totally smoking' NYPD detective with…
languorous langur
Celebrity Chefs Race To Be First To Cook New Species Of Monkey
Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay claims he has won 'the bidding war' to be the first to cook one of the new species of monkey discovered…
lead on
Woman Who Refuses To Follow, Accused Of Failing To Lead
Brexit thinktank Rose-Tinted Glasses says Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon is "unable to lead because she won't follow" Teresa May's advice. An RTG spokesman also…
lean on me
White Woman Who “Knows” She Has To Be Better Than A Man To Succeed, Not So Sure A Black Woman Has To Be Better Than Her To Succeed
"I do think the average woman has to be ten times better than the average man to succeed," Camilla Whelan said, "no doubt about that".…
leave it all on the pitch
It’s All To Play For, Man Warns Ahead Of Sunday’s Match
Addressing the back of the only other patron of the Ramble Inn this afternoon, legendary Galway bore Brendan Coyne observed, it was 'all to play…
legend
Death Of Dairy Farmer’s Son Who Milked Ireland
Seán "Seánie" FitzPatrick, the dairy farmer's son who milked Ireland, was to fiscal responsibility, what Charlie Haughey was - a relative stranger. Like Haughey, he…
lemon aid 4 fugees
That Little Girl Was Me, Kamala Harris Screams At Little Girl Selling Lemonade
In the still air of a warm afternoon in East Hampton today, a little girl selling homemade lemonade was reduced to tears. Onlookers said the…
lesboner
Teen Explains ‘Lesbian Jesus’ To Granny
"Granny, you like Ellen and Glee, right?" 17 year old Holly Maher eagerly asked her grandmother, over her younger sister's first communion lunch, at Finnegan's of…
lessons in love
Woman Will Only Read Book She Objects To When It’s Banned
Although the world has changed unimaginably since the global pandemic began, one glorious tradition continues unabated. Global warming may be playing havoc with the seasons…
- Hollywood Narcissists Split Up, Citing Wisdom Gained From Short, Bitter Marriage
let's not?
Patriarchy Objects To Stereotyping By Women Who Should Be At Home Rearing Their Children
"It never ceases to amaze us," the patriarchy observed today, "how people who really should know better, somehow still have time to criticize those who…
Lidl was never this 'fresh'
Queen Eithne Mooney To Meet Doctor Decky Sheehy After School, In Lidl Carpark Dance Off
Doctor Decky Sheehy released a statement tonight, during a fifteen minute study break, in response to widespread reports of Queen Eithne's pre-match trash talk. The…
life in the fast food lane
Man Who Gets Hard-On Every Time A Woman Cries, Can’t Break Up With Girlfriend
Tony Logue this morning confirmed his fourth attempt to end his 6 month romance with a sales assistant, had once again ended in failure. Speaking…
life on the road
Keith Richards Never Had To Throw A Flat Screen TV Out Of His Hotel Window
“Back in the day it was a simple matter, even for a major smack addict like Keef, to chuck an old fashioned TV out a…
lit fic clique
Minor Award Turns Midlist Author Into Grumpy Bore
Don’t read the reviews. Never have! No decent reviewers left anyway, simply hacks. I mean the only requirement for being a competent reviewer, is being…
live free
“Must You Ruin Everything?” Man Asks Wife Who Just Saved Him From Accidentally Electrocuting Himself
Hopelessly inept DIY fanatic Gerry Adams whose wife privately refers to him as a 'Destroy It Yourself' fanatic, was saved from accidentally killing himself earlier…
lockdown love
Single Woman Who Likes A Good Cry, Looking Forward To Bawling Eyes Out On Valentine’s Night
Librarian Joan 'home alone' Malone who freely admits to liking a good cry, has announced she's especially looking forward to this year's Valentine's night when…
loco parentis
Children Refuse To Confirm Boris Johnson Their Father
The five adult children of barrister Marina Wheeler refused yesterday to confirm the identity of their father. A statement released on behalf of Lara, Milo,…
Look into my eyes
Boris Johnson ‘About As Convincing As A Hypnotist Who Smokes’
A poll reveals 41% of the public find Boris Johnson lacks the charm of Jimmy Saville' while 10% believe him 'less trustworthy than Saville'. But…
lovely day
Despite What The Song Says, Husband Tells Wife, There’s Plenty Of Sunshine When You’re Gone
"Ain't no sunshine when she's gone," Julie Wilson sang into her loving husband Craig's still sleep-filled eyes, as she prepared to give him a list…
lovely leitrim?
Syrian Man Uses Music To Overcome Challenge Of Living In Leitrim
Syrian refugees face many challenges including family separation, the trauma of war and poor English language skills but none of these compare to the challenge…
lying eyes
“I Know A Liar When I See One,” Johnson To Tell Putin
"He doesn't fool me for one minute," Boris Johnson told Joe Biden on a zoom call today, "because I know a bloody liar when I…
- If You Break Your Leg Under A Labour Government, It’ll Hurt More, Boris Claims
Mad for it
Hardly Worth A Landlord’s While Being In Politics These Days
Robert Troy has resigned as a junior minister, after warning that “landlords are now exiting politics in record numbers”. The embattled Longford–Westmeath deputy complained that…
madman
Committee Set Up To Establish Which Part Of Ireland Kanye West’s Ancestors Come From In Case Of White House Run
Irish Central publisher Niall O'Dowd is to head up a committee to research Kanye West's Irish roots, in case he announces a bid for the…
Magic
America Remembers Last White Guy Who Could Cancel A Riot
The makers of a Netflix documentary about the life of Robert Fitzgerald Kennedy, have been forced to deny it's a "magic white man" story they…
Magic!
Trump Classifies Entire Democratic Party Ahead Of Midterms
Donald Trump today warned the media that he has classified the entire Democratic party 'just by thinking about it', from now until after the midterms.…
maintenance
“If You’d Listened While I Was ‘Mansplaining’ How Not To Flood The Engine Honey, You’d Be Home By Now”
"All I'm trying to say," a clearly exasperated Dominic Tanyon said this afternoon, "is that explaining can't always be 'mansplaining'?" Mr. Tanyon was taking a…
major tom
America Would Prefer A Faster Microwave To A Mars Mission
A new survey shows that 63% of Americans would prefer a faster microwave to a Mars Mission and that while they can't prove anything, Hillary…
- NASA Engineer Admits Programming Mars Explorer To Carve His Initials Into Rock
mambo no five
-
How Many Drinks Should I Buy A Mother-Daughter-Sister-Lover-Woman?
"My question was meant to be a jokey but compelling exploration of all things female", legendary Galway bore Brendan Coyle, said awkwardly, in The Ramble…
man down
-
Old Man Used To Be A New Man
“I used to think I was a new man,” Dave O’Malley reminisced to postman Tomislav Horvat this morning, “when I was a young man? But…
man in the middle
Cowen Forced To Deny He Was Man Gardai Found Being Whipped On Buttocks
Barry Cowen's denial that he did a U-turn before a Garda checkpoint in 2016, have led both government colleagues and opposition parties to question whether…
Manhunt underway for Quasimodo
Hunchback Emerges As Main Suspect In Notre Dame Fire
We'll bring you more news on this breaking story, as it comes in. Police have warned the public not to approach Quasimodo, even if they…
mantrap
Mansplaining Continues, Despite Rising Panic In Woman’s Eyes
Amateur stand up Fiona Spender was inadvertently caught up in a hostage situation last night in Galway's Róisín Dubh, after taking part in the pub's…
Maybe even a music festival
Everest Base Camp To Get Pret a Manger Store
Everest climber Nirmal 'Nirms' Purja has confirmed he's been hired to select a suitable site for fashionable sandwich chain Prêt à Manger's first Nepalese outlet.…
me old mucus
Irish Prime Minister’s Coronation ‘Quick Pick’
The symbolic gesture of Irish Prime Minister Leo Varadkar’s attendance at the coronation of King Charles III, was surpassed by the nonchalance with which he…
Megharry
Harry To Oprah: ‘I Have No Idea What Our Dreams Are, Only Meghan Knows’
CBS has released a teaser of the pre-recorded Oprah Winfrey interview with Mr & Mrs Markle, in which Harry says 'only Meghan knows' what their…
Mick 'micturate' Turey
Taxi Driver In Court Over ‘Wee Wee Tax’
Castlebar taxi driver Mick Turey has denied trying to charge elderly ladies a "wee wee tax", in the run up to the Christmas festivities. Turey…
Mickturation
Quarantine Means “The Terrorists Have Won”
The airline industry's angriest man was beside himself this evening, as he chained himself to the Mannekin Pis sculpture in Brussels. "Yes, I know it's…
milk snatcher
Liverpool Man Planning To Mark Anniversary Of Thatcher’s Death By Replaying Video Of Her Funeral
“April 8th is a very special day,” Peter Whelan smiled fondly, “full of wonderful memories and little chuckles of glee? I like to kick it…
milking it
What To Do If You Feel Raped After Following A Woman Onto The Upper Deck Of A Bus To Watch Her Breastfeed
Have you ever felt violated by being forced to watch a woman you've followed onto the upper deck of a bus, breastfeed in public? If…
Mindlessness
Dog Shunned By Partner For Trying To Do It ‘Human Style’
Canine sex therapist 'Doctor Angela', reveals she is seeing a huge increase in dogs attending her weekly clinic with this issue. "It is like an…
miracle on mainstreet
Little Girl’s Blindness Cured By Saying Michelle Obama’s Name Three Times
A Ballinasloe woman whose 6 year old daughter recently regained her sight, has attributed the miracle cure to 'rock star wonder woman' Michelle Obama. Chloe…
mister ed
Wife Telling Husband She’s ‘Just As Bad A Communicator’ As He Is, Pretty Fucking Sure She’s Not
“I cannot believe,” architect’s wife and mother of two Iseult O’Malley said to next door neighbour Margaret Carberry, “that he actually agreed with me when I…
monumental
Town Slightly Nearer To Dublin Looks Down On Town Slightly Farther From Dublin
The inhabitants of Birr remain steadfast in their certainty today, that being slightly closer to the capital, entitles them to look down on the nearby…
moonraker
WWII Bomber On Moon Stolen By China
The Lancaster bomber discovered on the moon in 1988, has been illegally removed by China's Chang'e-5 lunar mission, it was announced today. In a sensational…
Most trusted?
Ordinary Decent Liars of Fox News Furious With High-Profile Liars Of Fox News
The reputations of “ordinary, decent liars" at Fox News have been dragged through the mud by the buffoonish and dangerous actions of a few. This…
mothers' milk
If Even One Person Can Learn From Woman’s Mistake, She’ll Be Happy
After Mia Delaney’s eighth glass of Baileys Irish Cream Liqueur (17% alc/vol), she was carried upstairs by her husband Matt, still insisting that if only one person…
mountain to climb
Man’s Wife Won’t Let Him Be A Coeliac
A man whose wife won't let him be a coeliac or say 'Namaste' to Indian waiters, has confirmed she also refuses to let him become…
mr bean
Varadkar : “Telling The Truth Is Mandatory But Not Compulsory”
Asked if "mandatory but not compulsory", was as meaningless a phrase as 'Brexit means Brexit,' Taoiseach Leo Varadkar said that wasn't for him to say.…
mummy knows best
-
Millionth Woman Seeking Validation Asks Mumsnet ‘Am I Being Unreasonable?’
"Should I start with 'There were always three people in this marriage'," Siobhain Cantor wondered, "or should I go with 'The umbilical cord was never…
my way
Self-Made Man Eager To Share That Information
Self-made man Eric Devlin (41), according to friends & neighbours, remains eager to share that information with as many people as possible. A straw poll…
nailed
Ireland Asks What Went Wrong, As Country’s Only Alcohol-Free Bar Closes
Ireland was in shock yesterday, as The Virgin Mary, the country's only alcohol-free bar closed its doors for good. The owners immediately issued a press…
national emergency
Martin Addresses Covid Issue On Everyone’s Lips: St Patrick’s Day Trip To White House
Micheál Martin electrified Ireland today, after a stark warning was issued about 'unsustainably high levels of infection on the island of Ireland'. The Taoiseach immediately…
Nature
Jagger Denies ‘Satisfaction’ To Be Used In Viagra Commercial
Mick Jagger has been forced to 'categorically' deny reports that a deal has been signed to allow the Stones iconic hit 'Satisfaction,' to be used…
- Irish Language Act Would Force Protestant Men To Give Their ‘John Thomases,’ A Gaelic Name
nature abhors
Northern Ireland Warned Of ‘Dangerous Political Vacuum’ In Boris Johnson
A cross party group of 9 senior politicians has warned of the danger that the political vacuum known as Boris Johnson, represents to the Good…
naughty tory
Given Rape Is No Longer An Offence In England & Wales, Is There Any Chance A Cell Could Be Found For A Sex Pest MP?
The Centre for Women’s Justice has warned against raising false hopes the sex pest and former Conservative MP for Kent, Charlie Elphicke, might go to…
New age sage
What To Do When A Himalayan Salt Lamp Doesn’t Cure Your Depression
Have you shelled out €30 for a Himalayan Salt Lamp recently? Or maybe just €20 for a red coral bracelet that "absorbs negative energy and…
new fatwa
Fifa Confirms Players In WC Final Must Convert To Islam
Fifa's morally invertebrate president Gianni Infantino has praised Qatar's announcement that all players taking part in the tournament final, must first convert to Islam or…
News
Sinéad O’Connor Reportedly Strong Enough To Contemplate Another Two Week Marriage
Fans of the iconic Irish singer were intrigued to hear she has put her six bedroom home up for sale but the news has led…
- Without The Alcohol That Prevented Him Realizing All His Ambitions, Man Discovers He No Longer Has Any Ambitions
- Stones Admit ‘Satisfaction’ Will Be Used To Advertise Viagra
- Woman Who Stepped Out Of Her Style Comfort Zone, Nominated For Bravery Award
- I Hope I Die Before Celine Dion Does
- Student Joins Poetry Society After ‘Falling In With The Wrong Crowd’
nibbles
Hospital Food “Did Not Kill Mouse”
A hospital has angrily denied that a mouse found dead in its main kitchen, died after eating hospital food. At a press conference this morning,…
nice work
Man Longs For Day When He Can Resent Intrusion Into Private Life That Fame Brings
Earlier today while waiting for the kettle to boil, Tyler 'The Daddy' McEvaddy briefly allowed himself to savour a favourite daydream. The 28-year-old smiled, as…
nimby
TD To Ask Dragons’ Den To Invest In His Political Dogwhistle
Fresh from his Trump-like intervention in Oughterard's campaign against a planned asylum hostel, Independent TD Noel 'Atticus' Grievance, will ask the Dragons Den to fund…
no bants
Shop Assistant Too Wasted For Small Talk
Shop assistant Carmel Comerford nodded distantly at customers this afternoon but spectacularly failed to respond to small talk, close friend Irene Quigley noted. The English…
no denying it
Auschwitz Offers Free Onsite Cremation To Former Inmate Who Died While Visiting Camp
The Auschwitz Museum has retracted its offer of an onsite cremation for a former inmate who died last Thursday, during her annual visit to the…
No going back now
Your Dog Has Seen Me Naked
You ask me why I left in such a hurry this morning, Alison. Well, for one thing, I'd like to point out that your dog…
no sweat
Prince Andrew Swears He Won’t Be A ‘Handsy’ Santa This Christmas
Prince Andrew who will again be playing Santa for the Royal Family this Christmas, has assured everyone that whatever else certain people may say, he…
no way!
Turns Out Mass Death Is Worse For Economy Than Mass Unemployment
President Trump's view that "We cannot let the cure be worse than the problem" has taken a battering lately with a growing awareness that mass…
No!
People Who Once Objected To Presidential Visits, Now Demanding Presidential Visits
The fire that broke out at DUP headquarters - Northern Ireland’s largest manufacturer of synthetic outrage - has now spread to the warehouse where prefabricated…
not even a soupcon
No ‘Pee’ In Chickpea Soup, Waitress Guarantees Castlebar Man
"Theese is the one I haven't heard before," Croatian waitress Tonka Matkovic, said today, commenting on a customer's soup query. "And don't forget," the 28…
not in the face?
Judaeo-Christian God So Weak He Needs GOP’s Protection
Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell has warned Republicans the Judaeo-Christian God of the bible is a "complete pussy," who desperately needs the party's fulltime 'protection'.…
not so fast
Senior Using Divider At Checkout Wise To Your Game, Buddy!
"I suppose he thinks I'm some kinda mug," OAP Angela Broughan loudly announced to no one in particular, as she waited at the checkout in Tescos.…
nothing left to lose
Motorcyclist Thrown Over Handlebars Still Experiencing Amazing Sense Of Freedom
Observers confirmed that motorcyclist Trevor McGuire still appeared to be enjoying the "amazing sense of freedom" that comes from riding a motorbike, even after a…
nothing says I love you like...
Mother Keeps Asking To See ‘Pearl Necklace’ Daughter Got For Valentine’s Day
Waterford mother of two, Margaret Carty, 48, tonight couldn't understand why eldest daughter Caroline wouldn't show her the pearl necklace she says new boyfriend Rob…
nothing to see here
Bright Side Of The Road Closed Until Further Notice
The bright side of the road has been closed until further notice, the Bureau of Plausible Deniability announced today, despite repeated protests from Van Morrison.…
- Gov Using A Torch To Search For Darkness
notorious
‘Why Does Everything Happen To Me?’ Wonders Simon ‘Calamity’ Coveney
“How can I turn this controversy into another Coveney calamity?” is not a question I ask myself every day, the country's gaffe-meister supreme explained today.…
numbers game
NI Census: Still More Pricks Than Kicks
Although census data has revealed more people now identify as Catholic than Protestant in Northern Ireland, the north still has a major image problem around…
numbnuts
Try This Simple Trick To Eliminate Dust – Turn On The Vacuum Cleaner
You'll have amazing results in minutes with this one simple, ingenious trick, everyone should know. Find out how an old lady keeps her carpet perfectly…
oddball
Nigel ‘Fool Me Twice’ Farage, Fooled Twice
Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage who last week vowed he 'wouldn't be fooled twice' into recording a pro-IRA voice message, has this week been fooled…
Oh lordy!
Florida Principal Accused Of Showering Naked
Tallahassee school chairman Barney Bishop said today he threw up when he learned the school principal fired for exposing children to Michelangelo's David, showers naked…
oink, oink
From Ryanair To Swineair – Carrier Voted Worst Short-Haul Airline
Ryanair passengers say the airline's name should be changed to Swineair to reflect its lousy Covid-19 refunds policy. A poll found more than one in…
oink, oink!
Doctors Hoping To Put A Human Heart Into Boris Johnson
Doctors hoping to put a human heart into Boris Johnson have been told the idea runs counter to basic Tory principles. The idea was sparked…
old school
Mayo To Get Dial-Up Internet Access
Taoiseach Micheal Martin has announced emergency funding of €5,000 to bring dial-up internet access to County Mayo, "whether they want it or not!" Martin said…
on this day...
Petition To Euthanize Enda Kenny Gaining Ground With Crucial Mayo Embalmers Demographic
ON THIS DAY...November 6, 2014: A new poll reveals the Taoiseach has lost the support of the key Mayo Embalmers demographic, a constituency that now…
one in the eye
Specsavers Offer Jim Allister Free Eye Test
TUV leader Jim Allister has reacted angrily to a new Specsavers advert, offering him a free eye test. Allister ( who left the DUP to…
One is humbled
Queen Praises Britain, Britain Praises Queen
An ancient ritual unfolded yesterday across Great British Great Britain. The greatest Briton in all of Great British Great Britain, praised all the other Great…
one is not amusing
Queen’s Joke “Proves” She Hasn’t Lost Her Sense Of Humour
Her majesty last night proved she hasn't lost her 'famous' sense of humour, according to the British press. Fleet St eagerly reported the latest example…
one jar leads to another
Woman Just Putting That Ballymaloe Sauce On Everything Now
Self described 'foodie' Deirdre Taylor last night revealed she no longer cooks anything, preferring instead to watch cookery shows while smearing Ballymaloe Original Relish over whatever's in…
Opinion
Tears Will Be Shed, Hairdressers Thanked
We all remember where we were when we heard our first hairdresser being thanked for helping some scrote take Best Supporting Truss at the Oscars.…
- Debasement of Oscars Fetish Starting Earlier Every Year
- Nobody Gave Me A Handout When I Was On Welfare
owner: vladimir putin
It Isn’t. Are You?
The once-great British newspaper The Independent, was the only English language paper in the world to support Trump's call for the US election to be…
oy vey!
“Nazis” Working Closely With Israel To Evacuate Jews
Human rights observers say the "Nazis" that Vladamir Putin claims are running the Ukraine, appear to be working very closely with the Israeli government to…
Pafo!
You May Have No Work-Life Balance, Drunk Tells A&E Staff But I Have No Balance At all
As he stitched a wound in A&E 'regular' Jimmy Mitchell's forehead without anaesthetic, Oliver Hartman explained that as a surgical intern, he averaged 104 hours…
pants
-
Local Man Donates His Old Underwear To Ukraine
Local man Ned Giblin who has donated all of his old underwear to Ukrainian refugees, says he would 'probably' refuse any attempt to give him…
pants-on-fire
Man Says Nostradamus Predicted He’d Get Flu
Called on to explain why he wasn't at his desk this morning, Dan Barrett explained that he'd gotten the flu "just like Nostradamus predicted"? The…
paper tiger
Irish Times Wins ‘Natural Home Of Middle-Class Angst’ Award For A Record Breaking 36th Year
Resigning Irish Times editor Paul O'Neill today accepted the 'Natural Home Of Middle-Class Angst' award on behalf of the paper. The accolade has been won…
pappa don't preach
Rapper TI Promises Daughter’s Hymen Check Will Be Biannual From Now On
The rapper TI (whose real name is Clifford Joseph Harris Jr.), has tweeted an "unequivocal apology" for the bizarre and disturbing comments he recently made…
parity of esteem?
Support For A Border Poll To Be Made A Hate Crime
Taoiseach Micheál Martin today accused Leo Varadkar of 'hate crime' for speaking about a border poll and a United Ireland. And he warned the Fine Gael…
park life
Former Governor Of Bank Of England Would “Rather Be Seen In Prison Than In Pontins”
Mark Carney, who served as Governor of the Bank of England, has three Irish grandparents and holds an Irish passport, said tonight he would "rather…
part of what we are
-
Man Who Crashed Into Police Station Is The Real Victim
Darius Beausang blamed his collision with the railings around his local police station at 3am last night, on "Ireland's unhealthy relationship with alcohol". Still sitting…
patriot games?
Navy Seal Will Take No More Female Prisoners
The scandal haunted former Missouri governor Eric Greitens has spoken movingly of the ordeal that forced him to resign in June 2018, after only 18…
Paws fur thought
Couple Planning Family Newsletter From Dog’s Point Of View
Alison and Dave Courtney are staking everything on a classic 'family dog's point of view' format for their popular annual newsletter. Although "sincerely humbled and…
pestminster polecat affair
For Once, Boris Pulls Out!
The actor Boris Johnson who has fathered more children than he can apparently count, shocked Britain yesterday when he admitted he'd finally managed to pull…
Phil
Penniless Outsider Who Adapted Well To A Life Of Great Wealth And Privilege
Into each life, some rain must fall - Longfellow Alas! And so it was that Philip Batterburger sacrificed the dream he never actually had of…
philosophy
-
Marriage Is ‘A Controlling Relationship’
'Early drinker' Thos J. Guiney landed himself in hot water Sunday evening at the Ramble Inn when he inadvertently answered a question he hadn't been…
Pig out
Dead Pig’s Brain To Break Its Silence On David Cameron Initiation Ritual
Scientists who've 'rebooted' a dead pig's brain, say they were surprised when it told them it wants to talk about "the whole Cameron thing". The…
pikey prince
Thames Valley Police Deny They Mistook Prince Harry For An Irish Traveller
The Chief Constable of Thames Valley Police, John Campbell, has been forced to deny members of the force had 'briefly mistaken Prince Harry for an…
pinball wizard
Teenager Recalls ‘Golden Age’ Of Twitter
Teenager Dara Reynolds wistfully recalled 'a more radical era,' as he played an 'old school' fruit machine at Barney's Casino this afternoon. Reynolds, speaking only under…
Pinocchio
Zuckerberg: “It Was Like That When I Got Here”.
Following his testimony before Congress earlier today, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg leapt into the air to mime a slam dunk, while screaming 'Boom shakalaka, muthafuckas!' Members…
Planet of the Apes
Billionaire Reluctantly Accepts He’ll Have To Go Into Space To Get The Respect He Deserves
Billionaire fizzy drinks manufacturer Kenneth Kendry is reported to have reluctantly conceded he'll have to undertake a vanity space flight, before he can tell the…
plausible deniability
Man Drinking In Airport Bar Has Seen Things He Doesn’t Want To Talk About, Ok?
"Not only seen but...done things," a middle aged American told barman Mathew Dolan, last night, "if you know what I mean?" "Righto," 28 year old…
playful
Man ‘Totally Guarantees’ There Will Be No Gratuitous Nudity In His Screenplay
Amateur film maker Mark Begley, last night hoarsely sketched out a screenplay he thought a 19-year-old Czech fitness instructor would be 'absolutely adorable' in. Begley,…
Please release me
Coveney Rock-Hard After Meeting Minor Royal
Tánaiste Simon Coveney has acknowledged he's still suffering from 'a very painful erection', having shaken hands with a minor royal yesterday. "Not that Nicholas Medforth-Mills…
poll axed?
Truss Says She’s Now Prepared To Be Popular
In her biggest U-turn to date, Liz Truss has conceded that politics isn’t just about being unpopular with parliament, the markets, financial institutions and the…
positive thinking
Man With No Shoes, Unmoved By Sight Of Man With No Feet
Barefoot homeless man Paul Brazil, threw cold water today on the notion that those who lack footwear, can always take some comfort from the sight…
- Kid Who Had To Wait A Year For A Wheelchair, Would Probably Have Grown Out Of It By Now Anyway
- ‘I blame The Parents,’ Says Alcoholic Woken By Crying Baby
potty talk
Trump’s Shithole Is Hurting Him
Democrats and Republicans agreed last night that Trump's "shithole" was hurting him while the clearly uncomfortable President, folded his arms and angrily denied the charge.…
power shower
Man Singing In Shower Pretty Sure He’s Multitasking
As he sang in the shower this morning, trainee estate agent Doney Russell suddenly realized this was exactly the kind of multitasking, longtime girlfriend and…
pray you catch me
Are You On Vodafone’s ‘Pray As You Go’ Plan?
Are you paying Vodafone €30 a month for ten minutes of coverage every 30 days? If so, you must be on its new 'Pray As…
predator
You Won’t Believe What Happened Next, Drone Operator Chuckles
Drone Operator Christopher Shay chuckled, as he recalled a strike he'd earlier labelled 'You Won't Believe What Happened Next'. ( "You Won't Believe What Happened…
pretty
Man Reveals How ‘Fairytale Of New York’ Was Recorded, To Rapidly Emptying Bar
Despite increasingly desperate hints about saturation coverage of the timeless hit’s 30th anniversary, legendary Galway bore Brendan Coyne, ignored all the warning signs. Around him,…
pretty woman
Woman Singing Tina Turner’s “Private Dancer” Quite Confident She’d Make An Excellent Prostitute, If She Absolutely Had To
"All the men come in these plaaaces," Melissa sang, as she drunkenly danced around her sitting room, "And the men are all the same". In…
prison sprinkler system
Warder Has ‘Nothing To Show’ For Urinating In Miscarriage Of Justice Victim’s Food
A tearful prison officer has confessed he is heart broken, after learning a prisoner whose food he urinated on every day for 11 years, is…
Priti vacant
Asylum Seekers To Be Flown To Africa To “Save Them From Trafficking”
"Muahahaha," laughed the cartoonishly evil Home Secretary Priti Patel after she'd announced asylum seekers would be forced onto planes and flown 4,000 miles away, "to…
pro bono
Man Who Claims His Public Relations Work Doesn’t Compromise His Integrity, Sadly Correct
PR "Executive" Steve Collins last night told friends he doesn't believe his PR work for Shell, compromises his ethics. "I see myself as more of…
pro-test
Anti-abortion Advocate Wants Right To Choose When It Comes To Vaccine
"My body, my choice," anti-abortion, anti-vax troll Gavin Doyle shouted outside a vaccination centre yesterday morning. Doyle and two friends were mounting an impromptu protest…
protect & serve
We Are All Guilty In Kerry Babies Case, Say People Who Were Actually Guilty
We may never know the truth, retired garda inspector Gerry "the Sheriff" O'Carroll said recently, while simultaneously assuring the public of the guilt of Joanna…
protocall
Brexiters Outraged The King Has Met A Politician
The blowhards of Brexit are outraged that the King who has met politicians all his life, has been forced to meet another one. "It's despicable…
proud boy
-
Second Confirmed Case Of Coronavirus In A Pig
President Trump, pictured above working on his legacy, has tested positive in what is believed to be only the second case of a pig succumbing…
Proud of yourself?
How To Cope With The Lingering Sense Of Bereavement That Follows A ‘Son Of Satan Christmas Shit’
The first step is to recognise the importance of what just happened, therapist Siobhan Hurley advises, to take stock of the moment and try to…
Psychiatry
Man Who Didn’t Suffer Fools Gladly, Was ‘Just Another Dick’
Speaking off-the-record at his father-in-law's funeral, Dominic 'Dicey' Reilly, told close friend Martin Ryan, he was 'happy to see the back of the fucker'. Adding…
- Woman Prepares Best Non-threatening Smile For Office Photo
- Family ‘Thrilled’ Daughter Has Lost Her Irish Accent
- Watching TV With The Curtains Open, Voted Ireland’s Pet Peeve
- Taylor Swift To Record Banjo Album Of Marvin Gaye Covers
- Woman Refuses To Accept Belief In Aliens And Astrology Incompatible
puppy love
Dog Tries To Hump Woman More Than Husband Does
'Architect’s wife and mother of two' Iseult O’Malley made the claim this morning, to next door neighbour and close friend Margaret Carberry who has an…
pushing the envelope
Sean Gallagher Accused Of Stirring Up Apathy
A row has broken out after a poll conducted by The Irish Times found the public failed to notice the absence or presence of Sean…
quack quack
Fat Cat In Flat Cap, Makes Another Fake Flap
‘Fat cat in a flat cap’ Michael Healy-Rae, made yet another fake flap in Leinster House yesterday. Ireland’s second wealthiest TD who masquerades as ‘an…
quid pro quo
Varadkar Appears In Zorro Costume For Dáil Statement
Tánaiste Leo Varadkar took the chamber by surprise today when he strode in wearing a Zorro costume, to confess to the nation that his only…
quis seperabit
Irish Times Poll Finds Strong Support For Rejoining The Union
The country remains bemused by an Irish Times poll that found strong support for rejoining the Union with Britain. The poll also found a majority…
rain dance
Kerryman Delighted It’s Raining In Dublin
Kerryman Paudie O'Sullivan spat with relish yesterday morning, after learning it was teeming down in Dublin while the sun was shining in Kerry. "Tis about…
Rat pack
White House Pardons All Of Trump’s Allies
The White House last night conceded that it goes without saying any ally of the president needs a pardon for something. Nixon did far less…
raw courage
Shooting Fish In A Barrel Takes America By Storm
The South African trophy hunting industry has started offering 'shopping mall safaris' to Americans who want to kill something defenceless but can't afford an overseas…
reaching out
SF Offer Hunger Strike Musical For NI Celebration
SF have offered to stage a musical re-enactment of the 1981 Hunger Strike, in response to the news that the centenary celebrations will include a…
real class
The Special Meaning Behind Biden’s Inauguration Outfit
The fashion industry, desperate as ever for relevance whenever it's relegated to second place by events of real significance, yesterday poured over inauguration attendees' outfits…
Referendump
Man Shat So Hard, He Changed His Mind About Referendum
As he gratefully accepted a Together for Yes leaflet, Galwegian Donal Falvey explained to a glassy eyed canvasser that just before she knocked, he'd undergone…
regime change?
Scotland ‘Top Target’ For Political Interference By Johnson Regime
Nicola Sturgeon has condemned the UK's 'malicious cyber activity', otherwise known as the 'not yet gold-standard' track & trace app. As Johnson crossed the border,…
rejoice!
Bojo’s Lost His Mojo
"No sooner had he won than the lies came as thick and as fast as usual," one MP said, "but it just wasn't the same."…
release the hounds!
Commerce Secretary Denies Reports ‘He Pads Around Washington In $600 Embroidered Slippers’
Commerce Secretary Wilbur Louis Ross Jr. has rebuked The New York Times for claiming he was 'out of touch with how ordinary Americans live'. The…
Remoaner?
Stoner Loner’s Painful Boner, Leads To Prolonged Epic Moaner
Stoner loner Barry Croner experienced a painful boner after prolonged weed smoking Saturday evening, that led to a lengthy bout of violent masturbation, after which…
Respect
He Told Them He Was Finished But Then They Asked Him To Do ‘One Last Job’
After 30 years working for 'a well known syndicate,' Bruce Mayhem was more than ready to call it a day. But then, he told CatMelodeonNews…
rich man's world
“My Personal Healthcare Choices Should Be As Private As My Wife’s Tax Affairs Once Were” – Sunak
By refusing to confirm he uses public healthcare, the PM yesterday confirmed that he uses private healthcare. But he pointed out that his current healthcare…
rictus idioticus
Middle Aged Couple Who Hold Hands In Public Viewed With Suspicion By Neighbours
"Here comes puppy love," architect's wife & mother of two Iseult O'Malley warned next door neighbour and best friend Margaret Carberry, as they strolled through…
ride on
Derry Girls Dictionary: All The Slang Explained
Derry Girls slang has you baffled because you've never heard any of these strange words and phrases before, right? So to help you all out,…
rocket man
Trump Says He Will Ask His Boss Not To Invade Ukraine
Donald Trump today promised to ask his boss to “go easy on Ukraine, at least until I can get back into the White House?” “He’s…
Rome rule?
Party That Won’t Accept A Catholic Monarch Accepts A Catholic PM
Never knowingly not in search of an argument - or for that matter, short of a contradiction - the DUP appears indifferent to being ruled…
room with a view of the roundabout
Win A Magical Weekend For Two At The Red Cow Inn
Red Cow, proud sponsors of the Miss Bikini Ireland competition and Majestic Sandalwood Shaving Cream for Women, have dreamt up a deal that will have…
roots
Granny’s Disappearance Will Make Great Episode Of ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’ Care Home Advises
While conceding that 'Granny may never be found,' Galway's Full Confidence Retirement Home urged her family to "take the long view of a life packed…
rough trade
Local Paper Exposes Cruelty Behind Christmas Tree Farming
A commercial Christmas tree “farm” where thousands of trees were being kept in cold, wet and crowded conditions, has been uncovered by a local newspaper.…
rules waved again
Spending On Union Flags To Double In Response To Fall Of Kabul
Boris Johnson has agreed to double his government's budget for union jack flags as a result of the crisis, after stinging criticism from Tory MPs,…
Saddle Up
‘Ruthless’ RubberBandits Behind Collapse Of Mitsubishi Secondhand Car Market
Gardai have revealed the Limerick duo’s hit single, ‘Horse Outside,’ was cleverly calibrated to cause a near total collapse in Limerick’s second hand Mitsubishi car…
sail away with me
Flood-Weary Farmer Switches To Freshwater Prawn Production
Flood-weary Clare farmer Gerry Murtagh has applied for a licence to convert his 20 acre holding into a freshwater prawn farm. Murtagh said he expected…
santa baby
Santa Would Prefer If You Didn’t Sit On His Lap?
Under a sign saying, 'Please do NOT sit on Santa's lap,' David Goldsmith tried to convince a drunken Shauna 'Shocks on the Rocks' O'Shaughnessy, to…
scary-hairy?
Spanish Woman’s Pubic Hair Growing So Fast, It’s Not Worth Her While Getting A Brazilian
“Puta Madre!”, Mercedes García Ramírez de López exclaimed, as she surveyed the rug-like growth on her thighs, “I have only the four and twenty hours…
Scooby-Do?
Putin Threatens To Go Scuba Diving Again To Restore Russian Army’s Reputation
A spokesman for Vladimir Putin warned today that he might have to go scuba diving again, after the Russian army was forced to withdraw from…
scoop
Editor Praying Academic Conference Will “Pull Something Out Of Its Arse,” In Time For Six O’Clock News
LMFM's News Editor Tom Kenny, whom staff freely concede does not smell good in warm weather, earlier today expressed alarm at the dire shortage of…
scratch that
Woman’s Boss Has ‘A Flea Up His Hole’ This Morning
“He definitely has a major flea up his hole about something”, PA Mary Kinsella told a colleague this morning. Kinsella was speaking to office database…
screw that
Horse Eager To Distance Itself From Asshole Who Rode In On It
Speaking through local horse whisperer Tom Grealish today, a horse strongly objected to undergoing the traditional fate suggested for assholes and the horses they'd ridden…
scrumpy jack
-
Loyalists Confuse EU Flag With Isis Flag…Again
PSNI officers called to investigate the flying of an Islamic terrorist flag in Belfast tonight, explained to the small protest outside the European Commission Offices…
Secrets & Lies
President Accused Of Breaking Official Secrets Act By Referring To Housing Crisis
President Michael D. Higgins has been accused of breaking section four of the official secrets act by referring to the housing crisis. Section four says…
See?
Johnny Skunk And Mary Gargle’s Romance ‘Is Growing All The Time’
On-street drinkers Johnny Skunk and Mary Gargle "really love and care for each other", the pair revealed today and their relationship is currently in a…
self help
Man Hoping Prosthetic Hand Will Feel Like Somebody Else’s When He Jacks Off
After transplant hopeful Joe Tracey revealed his 'dearest wish' to their friends about his new hand, his stony-faced partner Maria Byrne, scornfully declared it to…
self service
Man Found Masturbating In Aldi, “Very Comfortable With His Sexuality”
A man found masturbating in Aldi last Friday afternoon, today told Castlebar district court he was "very comfortable with his sexuality". Asked by Judge Fiona…
self-help
Man Planning Selfless Act Surprised By How Much Self He Actually Has
"Initially I thought I'd do something kinda heroic? Maybe donate a kidney to a smoking hot chick who'd be like, totally beholden to me for…
self-made?
Millionaires Say Focus On Billionaires Damaging Their Self-Esteem
Ireland's millionaires have warned about the damaging effects of constantly overlooking them, in favour of even wealthier individuals. The move comes on the heels of…
semper fatalis
New Marine Can’t Wait To Torch A Village For America
Recently graduated US Marine Walter 'Toerag' Toey said last night he "couldn't wait to smoke a Haji village for America'" Toerag also said he thought…
Send in the gunboats
Man Eating Beans From Tin, “Taking Back Control”
Part time supermarket worker Adam Walley (27), ate beans out of a tin this afternoon, in a display of Great British defiance of the Brussels…
set my people free
BLM Ennis Threaten To Make Town ‘Ungovernable’ If America Does Not Change
BLM Ennis has vowed to 'take back the streets' of this pretty market town — in the West of Ireland — if America doesn't immediately reform its racist…
shame
People Who Clap When The Plane Lands Unable To Distinguish Between Paediatricians And ‘Peedeeyafiles’
A new study has found that people who clap when the plane lands are a special group who suffer from a distinct range of disadvantages…
Shame!
Varadkar Accuses Doherty Of Mitching, Stealing Apples & Smoking Behind School Bike Shed
"Cancel him!” Leo Varadkar screamed excitedly today, pointing at SF's Pearse Doherty. The Witchfinder General then declared "I have it on the highest authority that…
sharona
Halfway Through Famine Report, Newsreader Expresses Alarm Over Dry Skin
The National Broadcaster has temporarily suspended a newsreader who inadvertently swore on air this evening, until a free publicity-generating inquiry has exonerated her. RTE executives are…
she'll get medieval on your ass
Re-enactment Society Just Cover For Bondage Club
Software developer Tony Mulryan was taken aback to discover just how relaxed about historical accuracy, a ‘re-enactment’ society can be. As he scanned the invitation-only…
she's got the look
Bimbos Evolved “Puppy Dog Eyes” To Communicate With Us
There’s a reason we call them 'puppy dog eyes' — those soulful, innocent expressions can sway men and sometimes women too. That’s no accident, a…
Sheeyite!
“Your Chagall’s Worth Shag All,” Woman Told
A woman who paid $90,000 for a Marc Chagall painting at a Sotheby’s auction in 1994, has been told it’s a fake that must be…
shocker
UK Aghast Weapons It Sold To Pariah State Used In Coup
The British government was 'stunned and aghast' to learn that another of the many pariah regimes it regularly sells arms to, is using those same…
shoot me now
Harry Styles Feels Most Beautiful When He’s Asleep
This is not about Harry Styles or even what Harry Styles means when he says he feels beautiful in his sleep. This is about what…
shoots from the hip
Uvalde: Kids May Not Have Been Safe From Shooter But Totally Protected From Books
A year after a gunman shot and killed 19 children and two adults in a Uvalde, Texas, elementary school, Governor Gregg Abott (R) had some words…
showbiz
Kevin The Carrot Breaks His Silence
Kevin, the celebrity root vegetable, responded to press speculation over his future last night with a statement that expressed his sadness at the growing rift…
sicko
Police Reject Candidate Who Isn’t Turned On By Corpse Pics
Leaked documents have revealed Hendon Police College was forced to reject a candidate, after a last minute check revealed he was unable to become aroused…
- Local Man Would Really Like To Punch HR Guy’s Lights Out
sidekick
Woman Caught Kicking Man Tells Court “It Was Just A Berocca Boost”
A woman filmed kicking a man who had just bought an engagement ring for his fiancé, has denied she is a stalker. Trainee beautician Laura…
Siege of Troy
Robert Troy: “If I Didn’t Read The Rules, How Can I Be Accused Of Breaking Them?”
Robert Troy, the latest ‘saighdiúir’ in Fianna Fáil’s long tradition of struggling with ethics in public life, continues to defend his eclectic, undeclared property portfolio.…
simba
Obese Hunter ‘Tests His Courage’ Against Distant, Limping, Near Blind Lion
"We meet again Simba, my old friend" Boston dentist John "Jumbo" Ryan whispered, before firing an armour-piercing round through an old, near-blind lion heading in…
simply the best
And Then I Told The NHS It Was The Best We Could Do!
Deploying the supposedly 'razor sharp wit' that Tory sycophants implausibly claim is his unique trademark, Bodger Johnson had his chums "in stitches" over the NHS.…
- AstraZeneca CEO Says It’s Amazing What You Can Find Down The Back Of A Sofa
skin deep
If The Deep State Really Exists, Then Why Couldn’t It Prevent Trump Impeachment Trial
Retired Boston policeman Brian Sheehy's Super Bowl party was ruined by his son-in-law who kept asking the close band of patriots gathered for the event,…
slammin' & bammin'
Florida School Bans The Bible Over “Scenes Of Rape, Incest And Adultery”
A school in Florida says it will in future require the written permission of parents, before pupils can read the bible as, “Sadly, it contains…
slebridee
Famous People Are Never Happy, Says Man Who’s Watched ‘A Star Is Born’ 8 Times
"Crying on the inside is how I'd put it," legendary Galway bore Brendan Coyne remarked of famous people last night. Coyne was watching A Star…
sliding doors
Fair City Extra Recalls Time Gaybo Completely Ignored Him In A Lift
"I remember it like it was yesterday," Fair City extra Donal Healey told everyone he met this week. The 51 year old, (seen above in…
smell the coffee
I Don’t Know What A Brothel Smells Like Either, Says Jeffrey Donaldson
DUP leader Jeffrey Donaldson today summed up his position over whether he applied to rejoin the UUP last summer by saying he doesn't know what…
smh
German Woman Whose Letters Never Arrived, Now Knows Why It’s Pronounced ‘Un Post’
Frieda Schmidt whose last two letters to Berlin never arrived, said today she now knows why the Irish language name for Ireland's postal system 'An…
smother and farther
Fucking Your Kids Up, Still No 1 Parenting Mistake
A new survey reveals the most common parenting mistake is not 'helicopter parenting' but screwing your kids up without meaning to. The second most common one…
Smother's Day is next!
-
“You’re Not An International Woman” No Excuse For Ignoring International Women’s Day
International Women’s Day briefly emerged as an unlikely topic of conversation amongst some of the Ramble Inn’s teatime drinkers this evening. Facing into the Mother’s Day weekend, Thos J. Guiney…
snore no more
Incredible New Anti-Snoring Device Takes Ireland By Storm
My husband David is the perfect husband. And we just clicked in bed from our first night together! He’s such a funny guy, the man…
snout
We Smoked Ourselves To Death And It Never Did Us Any Harm, Man With Only half A Lung Tells Grandson
“When I was young,” 65-year-old Desmond Scully wheezed to his eight-year-old grandson Kyle Duffy, “we smoked our lungs out and it didn’t do us any…
snow laughing matter
International Relief Agencies Warned About Irish Snow
International relief agencies have been notified of the scale of the tragedy enfolding here, as news of a possible fall of light snow on high…
so low not solo
Ed Sheeran Announces Arrival Of First Hobbit Born In Captivity
Mewling pubic hairball Ed Sheeran and his pretentiously named wife Cherry Seaborn, have announced the birth of the first hobbit child to be born in…
so not racist
Oughterard Campaign To Improve Asylum System Fails
The inhabitants of the picturesque County Galway town of Oughterard were nursing a special hurt last night, after learning their campaign to fix Ireland's broken…
So there!
Pat Kenny’s Wife Confirms He’s Very Much His Own Man
Pat Kenny's wife Kathy today wheeled her glamorous husband out before the media, to prove that he is 'very much his own man'. But before…
soft soap
Entourage Of Sycophants Helping Actor ‘Keep It Real’
Fair City actor Stephen Ball's extended entourage is helping him keep it real, a member of his 'posse' has revealed. The Cratloe, Limerick actor's 'crew'…
Softly, softly
Finglas Raid – The Monkey Hasn’t Typed A Single Line Of Shakespeare
Gardai now believe the marmoset captured in the Finglas raid to be the 'monkey mastermind' behind a local gang's operations. Despite being offered a new…
sole mate
-
Man’s Penis Feeling More Like A Swinger Than A Soulmate Tonight
"In my heart, I still love her deeply," newly married Tod Evans told best friend Cliff Hayman, "but I feel like my penis doesn't". "Has…
Some crack...
Jump In Price Of Mica Sends Cost Of Children’s Hospital Soaring
A huge jump in the price of mica - the mineral builders use to make defective construction blocks - means the final bill for the…
soul searching
Battle For Soul Of GOP Delayed By Last Minute Search For Soul Of GOP
A last minute obstacle to Wednesday's planned showdown over Liz Cheney emerged today, with the news that party managers have been unable to locate the…
Speech defect
Postman Still Calling It The Gurmet Tart Co
Almost a year after the Gourmet Tart Co opened it's latest branch, locals say postman Danny Gillespie still can't get his tongue around the name.…
spit-it-out
-
Ukrainian Town’s Name Sounds Like An Old Man Trying To Clear His Throat
'Early drinker' & Ramble Inn regular Thomas J. Guiney closed his eyes and listened intently to the pronunciation of the name of an obscure town…
state your position
-
SF Asking Voters To Swap Northern Failure For Southern Failure
At a Sinn Fein press conference today, a man wearing a Communist Party of Ireland t-shirt, accused the party of asking voters to switch allegiance…
stay alert
Met Éireann Blames Status Yellow Rain Warning On “Covid-19”
Proof that the virus has officially become the catch-all excuse for every possible problem arrived today, with the news that Met Éireann has blamed incoming…
stay alert?
UK Like ‘A Leper Threatening To Shun Flu Victims’
Johnny Foreigner was up to his oily tricks again this evening, as he got together with the huns, the frogs, the dagos and the eyeties…
stay on point
Rees-Mogg Urges Leadership Contenders To “Keep It Creepy”
Jacob Rees-Mogg has urged Tory leadership contenders to avoid personal attacks and instead "remind the public how creepy we are"? Rees-Mogg, aka 'the child catcher',…
stay safe
-
Man Wearing Mask Under Nose Blames Students For Spread Of Virus
"Like, I don't wanna wear a mask anymore than you do," Martin 'Gilly' Gilligan said tonight, "but all our sacrifices is for nuthin' if students…
stealer's wheel
Demand Surges After Ferris Wheel Breaks Down
"I seen it on the news lasht night," Liam Finn bayed at reporters this morning, "Galway looked mightaa on the tellaa, so it did". Finn…
sticky situation
Boy Hanging From Window Ledge Can’t Wait To See Which Superhero Saves Him
As he dangled from his Manhattan hotel window ledge, Dara Whelan giggled excitedly while he tried to guess which superhero was at that very moment,…
stitch up
A Beginner’s Guide To Embroidery By George Santos
“Embroidery, embellishment, call it what you will,” George Santos said today, “everyone should learn the basics of this essential, life-enhancing skill”. Santos openly admitted he…
stone cold
-
Stegosaurus’ Sour Guest
Ramble Inn regular, 'early drinker' & crossword fanatic Thomas J. Guiney, gazed at the barely touched cryptic grid, for the third evening in a row.…
street life
Homeless Irishwoman Applies For Ukrainian Citizenship
A homeless Irishwoman has applied for Ukrainian citizenship in order to force the government to house her. I've got nothing against the Ukrainians," she told…
Strewf
Neutrality: We’ve Tried Everything Else, Coveney Says, We Might As Well Try Honesty
Simon Coveney made an astonishing admission yesterday about the need for an 'honest' debate about Ireland's neutrality. The Foreign Affairs minister said the war in…
Suits you!
Ram Jam Bromance
On This Day...Nov 6, 2017 Canadian Premiere Justin Trudeau and Leo Varadkar discussed how to ram a controversial trade deal past objectors concerns While most…
Sunburned!
True Value Of The Sun Was Always Zero
Rupert Murdoch, aka the 'Dirty Digger,' today announced The Sun is worth nothing, news which largely came as a surprise to absolutely no one. The…
supermasticator
Supermac’s To Meet Cost Of Forged Letter Cover Up
Supermac’s has agreed to meet the cost of the cover up of its own campaign of fake support for a motorway services area near Ennis.…
Sure twas on expenses!
Deputy Noel Grievance ‘Still Waiting’ For Clarification On Inaccurate World Bank Figures
Deputy Noel 'Sleeveen' Grievance - aka 'the Lion of Oughterard' - remains distraught he might be seen as racist by cynical people. 'Atticus', as he's…
Swear ta God!
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Enoch Burke Fails To Get Court Order Cancelling Free Speech
Enoch Burke has failed in his bid to secure a High Court ruling cancelling 'the opinions of those who are trying to limit the church's…
sweary mary
Fuck The Lot A Ye, Screams Mary Coughlan
"No, no, I'm only jokin sure amn't I cured now!" Galway chanteuse Mary Coughlan laughed as she received a lifetime achievement award yesterday from mayor…
sweet baby jesus
Tell Me Again The Difference Between Homiesexual, Homosexual and Metrosexual, Mother Asks Teenage Son
"Is everyone gay nowadays," Myra Kyne asked her 17 year old son Christy over breakfast, "is that it?" Ignoring the absence of even an attempt…
Swinetrek
PIGS In Space With First Irish Satellite
A dream will come true for elderly Muppet Show fans next year, when the European Space Agency launches Ireland's first satellite. The move will mean…
T&Cs apply
Sincerity Rears Its Ugly Head
Ulster Bank said today it was more than happy to pay a hefty banking fine, if that was the price of "making amends for an…
take away the shame
New Brexit Deodorant Removes The Stench Of Racism
The personal grooming products manufacturer Brut, has launched a 'Brexit deodorant' it claims will conceal the smell of racism and sexism. Pure Brute was launched…
take my breath away
Wife Cancelled Date Night Even Though Husband Had Already Brushed Teeth
A serious breach of date night etiquette occurred in the Gilligan household last night, according to an anonymous local tip off from the next door…
take my hand
Man Singing “Leave A Light On For Me” To Warn Wife He’ll Be Legless When He Gets In
Mobile phone salesman & 80s music fan Kenny Griffin, this evening made a calculated appeal to his wife Angela's fondness for the music of Belinda…
taking the piss?
Those Who Always Said The Innocent Have Nothing To Worry About, Not Saying It Now
The people who never tire of telling us, "the innocent have nothing to worry about," are exhibiting worrying signs of fatigue. The main Garda staff…
Tales of the Unexpected
Shock As Democrats Choose Another Wealthy Irish-American With A Great Shit-Eating Smile
Texas Democrats are still grappling with the surprise news that a wealthy Irish-American who names Robert F. Kennedy as his political hero, has emerged as…
talking heads
Man Will Lamp Next One To Mention 1918 Flu Pandemic
Self styled 'angry man' John Quinn today told Joe Duffy that he will 'lamp the next fucker to mention the 1918 flu pandemic'. Duffy and…
taste bud
Man Waiting Anxiously To See If He Qualifies For Level 8 Tripadvisor Badge
"Qualifications are what it's all about these days," 20 year old Castlebar man Derek Comer said last night, feigning a relaxed air he didn't possess.…
tax and spend
Man’s Taxes Paid For National Children’s Hospital, Airport Runway And Port Tunnel
Taxi driver and ‘professional Dub’ Tommy Mullins pensively stroked his bouffant moustache, as he listened to a radio programme about how taxes are collected and…
tear down this wall
Police Break Up Fight Between Eight Women All Claiming To Be Breaking The Taboo About The Menopause
Police broke up a brawl outside a radio station today between eight women claiming to be "breaking the taboo around talking about the menopause". The…
technocrass
Work Underway On Covid Website That Will Crash When Public Try To Use It
Micheál Martin says a government website allowing people to register for a Covid-19 vaccine will be available from the third week in April but that…
Teed off!
Putin Says UK Needs A Democratically Elected PM, Not A ‘Golf Club President’
Vladamir Putin has accused the new British Prime Minister of having less of a political mandate than the president of a Shetland Islands golf club.…
that dares not speak its name
Breda O’Brien: Sometimes I Have Impure Thoughts About Pope Francis
Some images linger in the mind, long after the moment has passed. A pope walks slowly, stylishly onto a balcony in front of a rain-slicked…
The 'Manspreading Master'
Man Unsure If Bruce Lee Can Continue To Defeat Larger And Larger Groups Of Opponents
Shifting nervously as he watched the 1971 Kung Fu classic Fists of Fury for the first time last night, Martin Cotter took a rest from…
the bare facts
Naked Hypocrisy Of “Wee” Sammy
The day began, as so many in northern Ireland do, with an Olympic Gold medal-level exercise in hubris by Sammy Wilson. Fresh from foaming at…
the bastards
Poll Finds All Politicians Hate The Public
A new poll has found politicians are filled with loathing at the very thought of the public. When asked if it was fair to tar…
the bollywood fart
Woman Looking At Methane Capture System For Husband
Lourda McInerny confirmed last night that she was 'seriously looking at' a methane capture system for her husband, Castlebar man Bernard 'Burnurd' Brennan. McInerny revealed…
The Dear Leader
UK Declares Nth Korea’s Jong-un A “Wrong ‘Un” After ICBM Launch
The UK has officially declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-un a "wrong 'un" after he launched his largest intercontinental ballistic missile to date. This is…
the devil made them do it
Coronavirus “God’s Punishment” For Letting Gay Couple On DWTS
Gerry Corcoran and Tommy Spaz were sitting on the rocks near the harbour, watching the sunset, as they gently came down. Corky observed that it…
The Dolores I never met
Dolores Taught Me How To Make Wings Out Of My Own Dandruff
"When I first heard Dolores sing about being hammered, it was so amazing," Trish Durcan, performance artist and lead singer of The Muirsheen Durkins said,…
the elvis of bland
Credibility of Irish Times Still Damaged By 2007 Inclusion Of Michael Bublé In “What’s Hot List”
The Irish Times has finally issued a formal retraction of its 2007 inclusion of Michael Bublé on the paper's ever popular "What's Hot' list. A…
the empire strikes back
May Won’t Countenance Dividing The UK, The Way The UK Divided Ireland
Prime minister Teresa May yesterday reminded her party's annual conference that when it comes to partition, Britain's too bloody good for that sort of thing.…
the good life
Marie Kondo To Spend More Time With Her Money
The ‘decluttering queen’ Marie Kondo, burst out laughing yesterday, when asked why she’d decided to abandon ‘the regime’ that made her famous. "Because when you…
the hard neck
Man Who Spent Career Dodging Questions, Spends Evenings Demanding Answers
Audience research for Virgin Media One's Tonight Show, has revealed 3 out of 5 viewers say they smile when a man who spent his life…
the law won
Doheny & Nesbitt School Of Economics, Badly Hit By Economics
The prestigious Doheny & Nesbitt School of Economics - a long-time favourite of politicians, lawyers and economists - has been hit by a devastating attack…
the little people?
Telegraph Columnist Who Had No Problem With Ireland Giving Queen Ecstatic Reception, Outraged It Gave Biden One
It’s all very well and good if the bloody Irish want to indulge in a bit of paddywhackery whenever British royalty’s in town, a Daily…
The meaning of life
Cancer: My Battle With Gay Byrne
Cancer made a rare public appearance at the Curragh yesterday with a host of other glamorous diseases, to "thank the public for their tremendous support,…
the moron's oxymoron
European Research Group Admits It’s Never Done Any European Research
The ERG it is to change its name after confirming to a parliamentary inquiry that the only research it ever carried out, was into plotting…
the new journalism
How Does Kate Middleton Manage To Be So Stylish, with Just A Small Army Of Bootlicking Fashion Advisers Jockeying To Give Her Free Advice?
From the Insight Team In the first of a unique series of radical fashion articles, we go inside the Royal Circle to solve a longstanding…
the non-apology apology
The State’s Next Apology
In hindsight. With 20/20 vision and in the fullness of time. At this late stage. We may never know the truth. And who can say,…
the oldest swinger
Man Who Was Never ‘One Of Those Weirdos Who Wanted Kids,’ Suddenly Realizes He Needs Kids Not To Look Like A Weirdo
Post-catholic, post office worker Paddy 'the skunk' McGrath, faced up last Sunday evening to an unsettling realization. Sitting on a garden swing, listening to the…
the oven ready one?
Habeas Brexit
Opposition politicians chanted 'Habeas Brexit' at the government today, demanding it produce the Brexit that was repeatedly promised by the Tory party. On the very…
the thin blue line
‘Calm Down Love,’ Journalist Told After Asking ‘Hello, Is That The Garda Press Office?’
Within seconds of taking a call from Sunday World Crime Correspondent Nicola Tallant, a Garda Press Office specialist advised her to 'calm down love' before…
the thing is
This Kind Of Thing Never Happens Round Here, Say Residents Of Area Where Thing Just Happened
“This kind of thing never happens round here,” residents insisted after the thing that never happens, had just happened. “He kept himself to himself,” they…
the twilight zone
“Have You Tried The Wire Brush?” Trump Asks Birx
At an early morning briefing today, Donald Trump turned to the task force response coordinator Dr Deborah Birx and asked "Have you tried the wire…
The way you make me feel
Turns Out Michael Jackson Actually Was “Really, Really Bad”
Forty two year old Jimmy Walker paused today while shaving, as he reflected on new reports that Michael Jackson sexually abused two children. Walker was…
the west's awake
Man Feared For His Life When UFO Lights Dragged His Car Towards Dogging Spot
Castlebar man Martin Bogue was driving home last Friday night at approximately 11.50pm when his car was "bathed in light and drawn magnetically" towards a…
the wisdom of crowds
Bored Teen Looking For Twitter Lynch Mob To Join
Ignoring reminders to do his homework, 15 year old David Musgrave instead searched for a twitter lynch mob to join, before choosing one pursuing feminist…
thegoat!
People Don’t Understand What Football Means To Local Alcoholic
Local alcoholic Declan Tuohy today told his local newspaper, "People just don't understand what football means to someone like me?" “This is an emotional time,”…
there ain't no cure
DUP Adopts “We Don’t Have To Take Our Clothes Off To Have A Good Time,” Ahead Of Abortion Referendum
In a controversial move that has taken seasoned observers by surprise, the DUP has dropped its opposition to ‘the Devil’s music’ and adopted a Top…
think of the children
Foster Urges Loyalists To Move Their Sectarian Hatred Online In Order To Meet Virus Restrictions
Northern Ireland First Minister Snarlene Foster has won plaudits for urging loyalists to vent their sectarian hatred online, in order to meet social distancing requirements.…
This Christmas
Peter Sick Of Being Robbed To Pay Paul
A man who says he may have to sell his house this Christmas in order to pay someone else's debts, has called on the minister…
this was all foretold
‘Orange Snow’ Riot In Connemara
A riot broke out in the Connemara village of Ballyconneely overnight, after a local radio announcer misread a 'Status Orange snow warning'. Having inadvertently spilled…
three is a magic no
‘Ménage à Twat’ Is Not A French Expression
Dear Mr & Mrs Skinner, We would greatly appreciate if Robert spent half as much time on his studies, as he apparently does on searching…
three lions
Apparently Jeremy Corbyn’s Not A Statesman On A Par With These Three Goobers?
A YouGov poll has confirmed the average voter's too clever to think Corbyn's on a par with somebody of the calibre of David Cameron who…
three times a lady
New Press Secretary Caught Lying On First Day
White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany set a new record for the job when she took her first question from a reporter. The question was,…
To boldly go
NUIG ‘Klingon’ Row Splits Board
A proposal to offer Klingon as an option on the NUIG BA in Global Languages degree, has split board members and provoked a bitter row…
tone deaf
Sean Fleming Opens Up About His Learning Disability
Are you tone deaf? Do you struggle to understand conversations around you? So did I until I bought Tin Ear, the revolutionary new hearing aid…
Too far gone!
Greedy Nurses Want A Pay Rise On Top Of All The Clapping
Health Secretary Steve "Steve" Barclay has explained that when the government organised "claps for carers, it was made quite clear the clapping was meant to…
too shy shy
Why Christmas Is A Special Time For Ian Bailey
"I'll probably start with the Tiger King," Ian Bailey laughs when I ask him how he'll spend Christmas Day, "because that man is such a…
top marx
Mayo To Be Renamed ‘Rooney Country’
Mayo County Council has unanimously approved a resolution to rebrand the county 'Rooney Country,' after one councillor pointed out that "They're milking it over in…
total eclipse
-
Man Singing ‘My Heart Will Go On’ Suffers Cardiac Arrest
Patrons of Galway's Ramble Inn were stunned this evening by an unexpected turn of events, involving elderly local character, Johnny 'bang-bang' Lydon. Bang-bang, so nicknamed…
totally rad
Student Journalist Considering Using ‘Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves’ As Headline
“That might actually work!” 19-year-old student journalist Rhianna Buckley mused aloud earlier today, as she put the finishing touches to her assignment on student social life,…
Trumpstein
Epstein Cover Up Finds He Hanged Himself
The conspiracy to murder the disgraced child trafficker Jeffrey Epstein has concluded he hanged himself. It also found there is no evidence whatsoever to suggest…
truthiness
First Time The Truth Travelled Faster Than A Lie
The Massachusetts Institute of Technology says it has discovered a rare instance of the truth traveling faster than a lie. MIT said it may even…
- No 10 To Support Free Speech By Censoring Critics
Turner
Truss Latest To Be Voted Out Of The House
Host Sir Graham '1922' Brady today revealed that Liz Truss has been voted out of the house, after 14 MPs publicly called for her to…
tweak or twerp?
Turf Burning To Be Restricted To Areas Where Turf Is Burned
A proposed ban on burning turf in the areas where most turf is burned, is not going ahead, after Eamon Ryan 'tweaked' it. Opponents of…
twice shy
Man Who Bit Off Player’s Ear “Done An Awful Lot For Under-21 Football”
Castlebar District court today heard that a local man who bit off part of a player's ear during an argument over who was Mayo's greatest…
two turtledoves
Harder To Dispose Of A Body Over The Festive Season Than You’d Think, Wife Tells Best Friend
'Architect’s wife & mother of two' Iseult O’Malley was in a pensive mood, as she explored how she felt about her first Covid Christmas over…
two way street
-
Anything Man Knows About Women He Learned The Hard Way
"Bitter experience taught me all I know about women," local man Gerry Burke announced coldly, to the Ramble Inn's teatime trade. The 38 year old…
Uncategorized
-
West Clare Hotelier Offers Three Sausages With Every Fried Breakfast To Boost Bookings
A prominent "West Clare Hotelier" has launched a special offer to try and turn business around in the tiny village of Doonbeg, on Ireland's Atlantic…
- Man Blows Noisily Into Tissue Then Demands A Doggy Bag For It
- 7 Things Zelenskiy And Putin Have In Common
- Slithery Hoors Outraged By Equally Slithery Hoors
under a cloyed
Bonfire Builder To Be Cremated Atop Pyre He Died Helping To Build
In an unlikely move that has united both sides of the north’s divide, a bonfire builder who fell to his death off a pyre he…
undercooked
Meat Loaf Told ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ Not Appropriate As Charity Single For Covid Research
Meat Loaf, aka Michael Lee Aday, gasped earlier today, like a horrified maiden aunt. Then he dabbed at his mouth with a heavily perfumed silk…
unspeakable
Death Of First Man To Say Shite On The Radio
The death has occurred of Dan 'Bunker' Cleary of Taghmon, County Wexford, the first man to say 'shite' on Irish radio. His family have requested…
until proven otherwise...
“There’s No Such Thing,” Woman Shouts At Busker Singing ‘Innocent Man’
An outpatient discharged from A&E yesterday evening, spent the day recovering in "a rundown little tavern back in old Galway town," before later wandering outside…
Upchuck
My Second Best Vomit
"It wasn't like that time I got sick all over your mother at our wedding reception but still..." a nostalgic Scott Doyle recalled, as he…
virtue signalling?
Man Carried Same Unused Poop Bag On Every Dog Walk Since 2012
Neighbours confirm Stephen Ryke (58), has walked the dog with the same poop bag for seven years but never once used it. The 'eco' bag…
vox populi
Musk Says Voter Fraud Cost Him Twitter Poll
Elon Musk said today that voter fraud cost him the poll on whether he should resign as CEO. On Sunday, Musk asked Twitter users to…
Wad
Your Landlord Will Be Forced To Evict You, If He Has To Fix The Toilet Leaking Into Your Kitchen
The Association of Landlords, Moneylenders & Greedy Bastards say they will be left with no choice but to evict tenants, "if we have to fix…
wanchor
Acid Reflux: What It Is And How To Avoid Ryan Tubridy
Common symptoms of acid reflux include a burning feeling in the chest, a lump in the throat and regurgitation into the mouth of highly acidic,…
war games
Eric Trump Claims His Father Fought For His Country In Two Wars
Eric Trump has boasted that his father fought for the US in two wars and 'plays for Team America' in a video he posted online.…
- Trump Jr. Rips Son For Asking “What Did You Do In The War Daddy?”
we are all individuals
Good Irish Times Review Ruins Another Restaurant
Locals protested outside the Corner Cafe in Stoneybatter last night, a week after a good Irish Times review doubled the prices, halved the portions and…
we are not alone
Fish Put Back In Water After Being ‘Abducted By Aliens’
A brown trout, described by acquaintances as a 'loner and serial exaggerator' last night claimed he was 'abducted by aliens who probed him in the…
we may never know
All Man Wants To Know Is Why Faucci Released The Virus
“All I want to know is why Faucci released the virus in the first place,” roofing contractor Mike Hogan said on Sunday night, at his…
We may never know...
Queen’s Death: Were The Jews Responsible?
Conspiracy theorists are today asking a simple question: “How can we be sure the Jews weren’t behind the Queen’s death?” The question has been strongly…
we've grown apart
Woman Who Married Herself Files For Divorce, Citing ‘Irreconcilable Differences’
Sophie Denton who married herself two years ago, has announced she wants a divorce because yet again she feels "let down by this patriarchal institution".…
wee and free
Stephen Collins Accuses Newton Emerson Of Being ‘Soft On Sinn Féin’
Insiders say the long simmering feud between Irish Times columnists Stephen Collins and Newton Emerson finally broke out into the open today, with a ferocity…
wee newty
Newton Optimist: I can make anything ‘look bad’ for Sinn Fein
When, oh when will Sinn Féin realise the appearance of a group of Innuit throat singers at West Belfast's Féile an Phobail festival, is a…
what a circus
-
Hocus Potus Sunk By Scotus
US Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says history will remember Donald Trump as 'the hocus Potus, sunk by scotus," after the court rejected his…
What are the chances
Woman’s Unlucky Streak Of Finding Tiny Imperfections In Restaurant Meals, Continues Unbroken
Against all odds, recruitment consultant Dolores Ryan's run of flukishly bad luck in finding miniscule flaws in otherwise perfectly acceptable restaurant meals, continues unbroken. Diners…
what are the odds?
Police Confirm No Suspects In Death Of Angela Lansbury
Fans of Murder, She Wrote star Angela Lansbury are outraged LA police didn’t arrest the wrong person, after her death. Given the number of episodes…
what does it mean?
City Stunned By Teen’s Refusal To ‘Dress Like A Whore’ For Nightclub Visit
Galway city was stunned last night by the sensational news that a local teen had refused to dress like a whore to go clubbing. Called…
what next!
Irish Times Amazed By Irishman Living Abroad
"Are you really living abroad," an Irish Time reporter today asked a man who is living abroad. "Yes, I am," the man replied. "How long…
Whee
Colossal Earthquake Obviously God’s Punishment For Some Minor Rule Breach
Followers of the One True God agreed today that the enormous death toll caused by Monday's twin earthquakes in the Middle East, was probably provoked…
When Doves Cry
Scientists Prove That If A Tree Falls In Trinity, It Makes Noise At Cabinet Table
Scenes of high emotion dominated a special meeting of the cabinet Monday morning, called to discuss the collapse of an ancient, disease-ridden tree in Trinity…
whiskey didn't kill the pain
Cage Fighting Is The Loser In The End
Close Trump ally and UFC president Dana White has spoken of his "great sorrow" over allegations that the ugly finish to the McGregor-Nurmagomedov cage fight,…
whiskey tango foxtrot
Now Look What You Made Me Do, Man Screams At Wife
Last night Laurence O'Malley hit his thumb while trying to hang a picture and immediately screamed at his wife, "Now look what you made me…
white lie
Trump’s Biggest Lie Visible From International Space Station
NASA Astronaut Captain Christopher J. Cassidy (U.S. Navy) today warned that Donald Trump's biggest lie to-date, is "clearly visible from space". Cassidy confirmed the lie in…
white power
If Necessary I Will Raise My Fist Again, Hawley Warns
The well known sprinter and political contortionist Senator Joshua "Josh" Hawley, has warned that if all charges against Donald Trump are not immediately dismissed, "I…
wild west
Judge Refuses To ‘Blame It On The Boogie’
At Castlebar District Court today, Judge Fiona Leyden refused to dismiss a charge of urinating in public by blaming it 'on the boogie'. The court…
will it hurt?
The Carry On Cockney Pearly Queen With A Heart Of Gold Who Shagged A Kray And One Of The Bee Gees
Dame Barbara Windsor, the blonde, buxom, brassy pub landlady with a heart of gold, has gone to that great Inn in the Sky that never…
win
Churchill Made Sense Of Chaos, Johnson Is Chaos
Boris Johnson’s constant references to Churchill, inevitably invite comparisons between the two men. Such that it is now almost impossible to contemplate Churchill without thinking…
winging it
Film Critic Unmoved By Pre-Flight Safety Video
Film critic Maynard Druckert tonight panned the robotic delivery exhibited during the pre-flight demonstration video for his evening flight from Newark to Boston. “Even…
winsome
There Are No Losers Here Today, Winner Tells Losers
"There are no losers here today," winner Mark Heffernan screamed at the losers of the King of the MacGillicuddy's adventure race, "only winners!" "I had…
wispas
Soldier Recalls Iraqi Kids He Gave Chocolate To Had ‘Ugly Sense Of Entitlement’
Reminiscing about his days 'reconstructing Iraq', Staff Sergeant Tom Craig recalled his disillusionment with a group of Iraqi kids he'd once given free chocolate. "I…
work it good
-
Dog Dragging Its Balls Along Carpet ‘Understands Every Word Woman Says’
"Hamilton is such a good friend to me," Bostonian Sarah Bingley claimed this afternoon, as her 4 year old Jack Russell terrier ground itself into…
wrath of god
Nation Fully Backs Hysterical Response To Weather Forecast
"Well I'm sorry, I must be old fashioned," volcanic tempered mother-of-three Eileen Maher snapped after reading an Irish weather forecast than contained a colour-coded 'Status…
- Study Finds Most Americans Killed By ‘Acts Of God,’ Live In Bible Belt States
wreck job
I Worry About America, Says Rape Accused
A man accused of at least 25 rapes, sexual assaults and sexual harassments since the 1970s, has said his only concern is 'for America'. Despite…
wtf
Man Planning To Pretend FTX Gift Vouchers Still Worth Something
Offaly man Gerry Coffee decided today he'll pretend he didn’t realize the FTX gift voucher he bought as a Christmas present last month, is worthless.…
Xposé
12 Celebrities You Didn’t Know Owned A Green Hat
Celebrities are notorious for sharing details of their wardrobes but did you know some have chosen to hide the fact that they own a green…
yesterday's papers
Last Week’s Controversies Overtaken By New Ones, Just In Time For Angry Newspaper Columnists
In an extraordinary development, the explosive 'my beautiful (dead) racehorse' controversy - which last week shook the country - has been overtaken by newer, even…
You can't handle the truth
Teen Suspects ‘Misogyny To Blame,’ After Failing Audition
London-Irish teen Amber Maher's hopes of becoming 'a nightclub dancer with only a drawstring to hide the bald truth,' have again been dashed. Parents Tom…
you can't make the farmers happy
Fabric Of Rural Ireland To Be Turned Into Irish Dancing Costumes
The Failte Ireland-sponsored, Christy Mahon-impersonator, Danny Healy-Rae has issued a dramatic warning about Irish exports. The Kerry TD called on the Irish Consumer Association to…
you choose
“Is This A Hill You Want To Die On?” Priest Asks 5-Year-Old Having Tantrum
"Actors labour to build moments," Fr Jim Clery patiently explained to hysterically sobbing five year old, Malachy Ryan (above left), who plays a Roman centurion…
you hum it
Monkey Hotly Denies It Doesn’t Know Any Bowie Songs
Pager, the monkey with brain chip implants seen recently playing a video game, has hotly denied an Associated Press report it doesn’t know a single…
You need me on that wall!
Teen’s Mother Has ‘No Idea’ How Dark The World Really Is
Jake Berry (17) revealed tonight that when recently questioned, his mother Saibh (43), appeared to be 'as naive as ever'. The Repossesions manager for a…
you really got me
Call Me If Anyone Says Something Funny About Trump
Stressing he wasn't to be disturbed while giving a patient a fatal cancer diagnosis, oncologist Brian 'Bong' O'Halloran paused before adding, 'unless somebody says something…
young love
Rupert Murdoch Says He Will Live To Be 184
92 year old Rupert Murdoch says he will marry his fiancé this summer and “We’re both looking forward to spending the second half of our…
ziggy played geee-taw
Man Arrested For Calling 999 To Report Theft of Air Guitar
Legendary Galway bore Brendan Coyne has confirmed he may be facing charges over a series of 999 calls he made, to report the theft of…
Zoned
Woman Steps Outside Her Comfort Zone To Laugh Extra Hard At Boss’s Inane Joke
As Lisa Crowley waited to get into the lift with her boss, Ulster Bank Head of Compliance Bob Darien, he asked if she needed anything…
싱글벙글
North Korea Furious As America Retakes No 1 ‘Joke-Leader’ Slot
Reports say Kim Yong-un is livid at the news that America has once again retaken the widely sought after 'greatest joke-leader of all time' ranking.…