Kwazi ‘Kamikaze’ Kwarteng is to speak directly to Britain’s poor, as part of a bold new approach to the welfare sector. His speech has been written for him by the same raving rightwing ‘advisors’ that recommended he abolish the top rate of tax.
A spokesman for the chancellor – openly exhibiting the kind of repressed sexual excitement he’d only ever experienced while watching a public caning at boarding school – gasped “He’s really going to give it to them!” After a short break to allow his breathing return to normal, he was able to continue the briefing. “The thrust of the speech will be that they’ll have to get on their bikes,” he added, “if they want to get the kind of jobs that will eradicate poverty.”
“Basically,” he explained, “he’s taking it to the next level but this time in an area the markets can’t possibly dick with?” A subsequent press release revealed the speech will also include ‘Kwarteng’s Top Ten Tips To Avoid Looking Poor’ section. Two of the tips were included in the press release. No 1: ‘Don’t throw your clothes away after Paris fashion week? If you keep them long enough, they’ll be fashionable again, saving you an absolute bundle!’
No 2: ‘Keep the complementary soaps & shampoos from your hotel bathroom to use at home.’