Labour leader Keir Starmer has announced Labour is to adopt the Tory manifesto for the next election, in order to give the British public a clear choice at the ballot box. Starmer made the announcement at a press conference today, after cancelling yet another core Labour policy.
“Have we broken promises? Technically, yes we have. But only because we said they were promises? If we hadn’t said they were promises, there wouldn’t be any problem.”
“’How can people know we’ll keep the Tory manifesto promises?’ Well that’s easy, no one expects the Tories to keep their promises or makes any fuss when they break them. And they never actually say they’re breaking them? They simply announce they’re ‘dropping a pledge’. In a casual way that suggests a long and difficult process of reflection has exposed hidden weaknesses that couldn’t possibly have been foreseen but which Labour are probably to blame for anyway. And all this is then reverentially repeated by the Tory press, which of course, is pretty much 95% of the British press.”
As aides signalled the conference was over and reporters began to shout questions at him, the Labour leader added, “So you can take it from us, voters can safely back Labour in the next election without any fear of a Labour government? It’s the only sure way to get rid of this Tory government!”