Following a hastily convened meeting, manufacturers have confirmed gouging and despoiling the planet will continue, to protect you from the alliance of Marxists and radical feminists who want to ‘save the earth’.
“You don’t want to fade halfway through The Crown,” a spokesman warned, “just to keep the bloody Guardian readers happy”.
This is why, he explained, all your TV snacks come individually wrapped in plastic – so everyone of your favourite treats stays fresh and able to provide the sugary boost you need to stay on top of all the twists and turns of your favourite programs.
Which means, he noted, you won’t go short of ‘brain food’ to power you through working out exactly how Prince Philip had Lady Di killed?
“Everyone knows the children are our future,” he warned, “but we need to think about the kind of world we’re going to leave them. Hopefully it will be one as bright and as fun filled as the tasty snacks we enjoy today.”
He later confirmed there was no need to worry about packaging because “those worms that eat plastic will sort it all out, won’t they?”