Study Finds Most Americans Killed By ‘Acts Of God,’ Live In Bible Belt States

Study Finds Most Americans Killed By ‘Acts Of God,’ Live In Bible Belt States

Latest research appears to confirm the theory that He prefers a simple ‘kill them all and let Himself sort it out later’ approach.

A Center for Biblical Scale Disasters study has found that when our maker sends a ‘punishment hurricane,’ He views the deaths of ‘good’ victims, as unavoidable collateral damage.

CBSD study author Adam Smith pointed out that “although He brought forth trillions of gallons of water from the Gulf of Mexico and the Atlantic Ocean and ‘reluctantly poured it onto American cities,’ He would much rather use the water to grow crops and bring prosperity”.

Smith also defended his study’s findings which have been hotly contested by Fox News.

“The point is,” Smith added, “Fox has a clear conflict of interest here. He has to get our attention if He is going to give us eternal life and rule over the entire universe. And He simply can’t do that if everybody’s watching The Walking Dead on Sky, now can he?”

MetLife, America’s largest personal insurer, said it would adjust its policy rates, in keeping with the new findings.