The Republican party today said it is now “98% certain” Donald Trump pardoned himself in his own head, before he began his campaign to overturn the 2020 election.
“It’s kinda like a Back to the Future or maybe even a Terminator thing?” a spokesman explained. “Because to follow it, you have to understand that Mr. Trump in his own mind, went back in time to the night when he had the foresight to issue his future self with a full pardon, just to double check it was all fully legal?“
“On that night, a brooding and pensive Mr. Trump, fearing the worst, had one of his minions, I mean his aides, download the text of the Nixon pardon. Then, standing on one leg and holding the constitution of the Mar-a-Lago golf club in his right hand, he recited
‘I, Donald J. Trump, President of the United States pursuant to the pardon power conferred upon me by Article II, Section 2, of the Constitution, have granted and by these presents do grant a full, free, and absolute pardon unto Donald Trump for all past and future offenses against the United States which he may commit during his lifetime. Especially on the golf course’?“
“Anyway, we all know how complex time travel is. If you go back in time and step on a bug, it can change everything which he must have done because when he got back to the present, guess who was still sitting in the White House!”
“So now it turns out, he does need that pardon because Biden has criminalized the entire justice system against him and forced so many ordinary, decent republicans to testify against him”.