“Civilians can’t handle the truth sweetie,” increasingly tense wedding planner Sigourney O’Malley snapped at bride-to-be, Jacintha ‘Jax’ McDonagh last night, during a candid exchange.
“In an ideal world I’d love if anyone could make a speech or propose a toast, ok? But unless you want all your friends to be sniggering at you behind your back, I strongly advise following the ‘Ultimate Wedding Countdown Checklist‘ because that is guaranteed to provide the dream day you specifically tasked me with delivering.”
As McDonagh attempted to speak, O’Malley cut her off, sensing the moment was hers.
“Besides,” she said, contemptuously, “you can’t have a ‘traditional’ wedding and make a right-on speech about ‘the patriarchy’. Because once the hooch kicks in, it can get nasty? Older wives don’t enjoy being implicitly criticised by younger ‘sisters’ honey – no matter what The Irish Times says.”
When asked why it was necessary to adopt such a regimented approach to the preparations, O’Malley again drew on her all time favourite movie character Col Nathan Jessop in A Few Good Men. Taking a deep breath, she turned to O’Malley and growled, “Because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall – you need me on that wall!”
A by then thoroughly chastened McDonagh readily agreed she’d be ready for another read through of her speech, “at 1600 hours sharp”.