Timid Credit Union employee Mary ‘Mouse’ Morton last night swore to friends that if necessary, she’d ‘make the beast with that priest’ on the altar of the local church. This statement was greeted with a chorus of the now standard fake-screams of mock-horror that have made their way from Graham Norton’s sofa into every corner of the land.
Privately however, two of Morton’s friends expressed doubt about the longstanding celibate’s capacity to become aroused by anything other than pizza or cake. “Mouse wouldn’t ride a rocking horse,” one said, “so I’m not surprised she has a priest fetish?”
Morton – who was referencing Irish actor Andrew Scott’s clerical character in Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s hit BBC Two show, Fleabag – detected their scepticism however. The 28 year old cashier immediately began nibbling on a chocolate penis while stressing that in real life, priests were ‘about as sexy as root canal surgery’.